Extermely depressed, +8 month isolation taking toll

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you've been through and are going through a lot. that's experience. you're not going to suicide, so you might as well try to be at least content. how about getting a pet? when i lost my medical license, i had to move away from my friends and back in with my parents. they weren't happy. i got a cat to be affectionate with. (they aren't all affectionate, so when i went to the shelter, i specifically asked for that.)

your experience can be a source of wisdom with which to help others. being able to help (like you were willing to do with my photo downloading problem) can boost self-esteem.

our aspie disability can improve with (sober) time. i learned small talk at age 50. it's a bit mechanical, but it passes.

"man looks at the outward appearance, but god looks upon the heart." god, if he exists, doesn't care what others think about you. heck, people hated him so much they crucified him. i think he would want to comfort you. yes, i used to be a christian.

got to go to bed. we'll talk more tomorrow if you like.

Well I suppose we could mellow this topic out a bit but yes I was going to get a pet, I am in an apt so my choices are limited. I was going to get a fish aquarium setup to help with the depression and to have something else living in these four walls. I have actually poured a lot of time into making my apt prefect, I have cleaned it to the point its completely prefect in an attempt to help depression. It looks nicer then when I moved in. I thought maybe a nicer environment would make me feel more at home. Which is another reason I stopped smoking weed because I had this entire floor and the floor above me and below me smelling like weed lol. I don't know how I haven't been totally screwed yet but I guess living in a low income area no one cares. My neighbors are into far far FAR FAAAAAR worse then I was so I guess if they are going to let them live here then they can't complain much.

Goodnight for the time being I guess,

when you go to sleep, dwell on what you most want.

That would be to have a normal life and not be autistic or depressed or have anxiety. With a career and maybe a significant other but none of that will ever happen.

no harm in window-shopping it in your reveries. that which you dwell on amplifies. better to dwell on those things than on things that cause you discomfort.

The solution is more isolation, I don't know why I never realized I can just ban myself. I program and do networking all day, I can easily block forums.

The wall shall be my friend,

That was easy...



Goodbye,

Now I won't bother anyone and when I am upset, I can't upset the wall and my gaming rig.

i hope that block wasn't a permanent decision. you weren't upsetting me. just checking in between classes. free to talk more this evening.

I hope you don't leave....

A big long hug from me

Goddamit, I wish I had half the talent you have, DCJ!

Yep...isolation like this DOES takes its toll. That's inevitable.

The only solution, Sir, is to buck the recent trend. Break out of it dramatically.

And don't destroy anything in the process.

As Poe put it at the beginning of "The Pit and the Pendulum":

"I am sick to death." Of people revolving around in vicious cycles.

You have great talents.....man!

It's hard to feel like an awesome person if you don't have opportunities to do good things. The trouble with such absolute isolation: how can someone ever do anything good? OK, they can't do anything really bad either, but still. I can't even imagine how awful that sort of isolation would be.

Well I wasn't coming back actually but I did partake in my usual extra curricular activities and it seems I can only function in this state of mind. I think I am having some type of break down in my normal state of mind but I have a bit of control over it now. Sucks because I wanted to pass the next mental health controling and abusive punish me for being different jerk's next drug test. I guess I'll have to tell those people to go to hell again because it is what it is. I can't say I am that upset at that, still I am thinking maybe I need to stop having such negitive thoughts, they help to a degree that if I think in what I would call an "evil" way then I careless for others and can justify my mistakes by just living out of selfish reasons and for the very feeling I have now or just live for the things I enjoy. The problem with that line of thinking is has the obvious effect of feeling bad for being quote on quote "evil" and a selfish person. It seems that in my normal state of mind I have established this all or nothing attitude for my mistakes in that I am either good or bad with no netrual. It seems I can't accept the reality that I am not prefect. Sounds funny but thats how I think, I think this must have come from my childhood in which I believed that people were either good or evil with no in between. I think the reason it hurts so much is I have been hurt from so many other people that I can't accept the fact that I have hurt people as well.

Truth is I am abusive person and at the same time I have been very abused. The way I need to look at this is we are all imprefect and forgive and forget and hope that maybe people forgive as well. The problem is I don't think people do forgive because because of some of the abuse. I think this is grossly complicated by PTSD from homelessness, I dread the thought that if people really have felt the way that I have felt when people have hurt me that they may have some of the same problems I have. Life is actually a very cruel cycle of abuse and that actually gives creedence to what God has to say. Still that is a very hard reality to face and just as I cry over the people I hurt, I cry over those whos poor decisions have hurt me as well.

This is my logical stoned reaction, I think to be a more positive person I need to have some type of censorship over my thoughts. That includes what I post here so what I am thinking is that if I am to contine to post here, I should have the mods wipe this user out or ban it or whatever and post under a new name. This would be to create a virtual character that is just positive and I try and ignore any negative thoughts and create a filter from what I say and what I think. That way I can eliminate the fear of being judged because as inappropriate as it might be to vent here or anywhere else for that matter and the risk of running people off. That seems healthy to me but I have to admit I fear that I am just further ignoring negative emotions instead of dealing with the core problem and that is I am a very broken person from rejection after rejection and with each rejection I became a worse and worse person to be around because of the brokenness. I need a social safe place though free from the mistakes I might make trying to become a better person because I have been hurt so much in the past. I don't know where to find such a place and if wrong planet is a good place for it. Still it seems my only safe place is being high or gaming at this point and that is just how broken I am. I see now why I avoid being sober but this can't be allowed to happen. If I can't deal with reality then I am not stable and will never be stable. Almost every post that are overwhelmingly negative I made sober, if I am to remain sane this can't be allowed to happen.

See that is why I smoke because nothing in this thread is coherent except this post, anyway I appreciate the support.

Last edited by dcj123 on 25 Aug 2016, 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If you were going to be a better person, even just a little bit better, what would that look like?

Is it possible that you were having severe withdrawal?

It's definitely true that abuse can lead to even more abuse, and someone has to break the cycle somewhere.

Why do you have drug tests? How do they work?

Why do you distrust mental health professionals so much?

glad to see you back. wrong planet isn't perfect, but it's good. i don't think you need to deny your negativity. you need to work on it. posting here and getting feedback is one way to work on it. your fear of running people off is holding you back. your posts, clean and high ALL made sense considering your past.

i hope that, in the future, just because folks don't respond right away, you don't assume they've been offended. people are sometimes away from their computers.

i hope you get your fish. they will need you.

i think you've been much more wronged than wronging. victims often feel as if they deserve abuse. they don't. you don't.

i think you'd make progress faster without the weed, but if that's just plain too painful, you've got to do what you've got to do. weed isn't evil and people who use it aren't evil. ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.