How can I get over a shameful past and forgive myself?

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I find the above to be very useful advice---even if it seems "simplistic" on the surface.

You did stuff to yourself; that's in the past. Make sure you don't do the same things in the future. Be vigilant, rather than regretful.

Just think of the past as an injury; most injuries heal by themselves, even without intervention.

Why should this lead to despair? If you have done something wrong to others you could always compensate by doing something good to either the same person or someone else. I think it is selfish for example to regret not having started martial arts earlier, so that you might have had the chance to get much better. Is it just about fame or being able to win a competition? All personal aims are for me just like an intermediary to be better able to do something good, and something good implies something good for others. Any martial art person will be less good than before from a certain age on, in addition there is always the risk of an accident or an illness that might maybe not cripple you, but alter your physical conditions to the negative. Then there are too many things that - started earlier - would lead to better results. So there are too many things to regret: not having learned a musical instrument, not having done some Latin dances, not having learned a language, not having played chess as a child ---? Isnt it rather idiot to practice a sport too much, after all it prevents you from doing others things, just like you computer gaming did. Isnt it more about being in a good shape and a little bit more graceful in your movements in order to be better at doing what is really important, and also being more attractive to others with whatever you want to promote?

Maybe your computer gaming was also useful for some purpose, even if you dont see it, at least to some extent: cognitive development, some hibernation period that prepared you for a more social life, some insights that you wouldnt have got otherwise but that might proof useful later, it might have kept you away from more harmful ways of spending your time.

What I can understand better is the regret of not being able to communicate well enough (though what would "well enough" be?) or that you might have less opportunities to develop your gift for film making and to convey your message or to tell the story that is worth being told. That has some relation to others and is not an aim in itself, so there is a lower risk of vanity.

Dont feel bothered too much about the Christian vocabulary in my previous comment. I just wanted to convey some ideas that religions do sometimes get more or less right. (I am agnostic btw).

In general I would say that human beings (both Aspies and NTs) have quite a long period of developing and rounding up their personality and tentatively seeking for the right thing, and even if it appears like a prolonged puberty, this is quite normal and good for most people. (Gertrud Stein has once expressed this idea in a much more sophisticated way, if I come across that quote I might add it). Those people that are very focused from a young age on, often get something like a crisis in their forties, and the overall outcome (even if it might appear like success for people not so close to them) is worse. Many people take them as models, in particular if they see only their drive and not their drivenness, but actually it is often maniac-depressed people, or/and narcissistic people with some kind of minority complex, that do also some harm to others and to themselves. Steve Jobs might be an example. People who know from a very young age what they are supposed to do, and remain happy with it, are the big exception to the rule, and often also a little single-track. Martha Agerich for example, good musician, but a little deficient as a mother (Her daughter has made a documentary about it).

Judging oneself less severely is based on seeing better the shortcomings of others. I think that many aspies have bigger difficulties with this.

Okay thanks. You are saying that unlike me, people who bloom early are the ones having mid-life crises, is that right?

Cause I feel like I am having a life crisis by waiting so long and not doing anything with my life. People are even telling me that I am and that I am throwing all my money away on deciding to make a feature film, and that I have delusions of grandeur, all because I hate my career and jobs, and can no longer live with it it.

Ditto


I just read this article tonight and it made me felt like s**t

Sorry I don't mean to make other people feel like s**t. It's just others are telling me I have delusions of grandeur and that I should spend my money on therapists, rather than wasting it all on making a movie, which will suck I have no experience and trying to make up for empty goals in my past.

You're not the one who made me feel like s**t. I just spent Christmas with my family, some of whom are much, much more successful than me.

If seeing a movie makes you feel better than I think it's better than a therapist.

Oh sorry I read it wrong and misunderstood.

I talked to these problems with my friends and my friends have this attitude that I am so young and that it's never too late to do what you wanna do. But at my age I get turned down for acting parts cause I am too old, since I wanted to get into acting.

I also looked into the possibilities of becoming a police officer, but they said that I was too old to apply. So I just find this it's never too late attitude, to be highly incorrect, and find it very discouraging.

Me too. It's like people are living in movieland instead of reality. In movieland, the hero always prevails against impossible odds. In reality, that almost never happens.

Be present and you'll be focused on the present moment with no time or ability to dwell on the past or worry about the future.

Read Eckhart Tolle's books for an in-depth "how to."

Well I feel that if I had something in the present to be proud of, and live for, then I wouldn't think about the bad memories of the past so much. I am thinking of quitting my job for example, cause I feel that the past reflects it, and I wouldn't hav had this job I loathe, if it wasn't for the past.

But I want to make money too and that makes it tough to quit. But if I quit, I feel like I will get some of my sanity and mental health back. But that is just an example. And people tell me not to make a feature film to sell myself as a filmmaker, cause they say it will be a waste of money, and no one is going to want to distribute or even help make a movie from a newcomer, with not much experience under his belt.

But at the same time, I feel I got to go something to be proud of in the present to get my mental health back.

So spend your time finding a new job to move on to before quitting the one you have.

Also, spend your free time working on small film projects to learn from in order to build yourself up to making a feature film in the future. Rome wasn't built in a day. There's a reason why feature film makers have made countless small projects before being selected to create something bigger & a reason why you're getting that advice from those in the know. Dream BIG, but start small and build up.

Comparing yourself to other people is always a death trap. I do it all the time (and always unfavorably-- I'm not as spiritual as this one, not as domestic as that one, not as crafty as the other one-- and always, always not as feminine and socially skillful as any of them). I have a cousin who is a really bad person. She's a slut (will sleep with anything, whether it's available or not, and irrespective of the fact that she's married with kids), a drug addict, a shameless user and taker, a pusher, a thief and a fence, lazy, selfish, uncompassionate, and seriously mentally ill and unwilling to do anything about it other than drink and drug more. Her mother doesn't even like her any more, and her mother's pretty tolerant. What do I see?? That she's incredibly socially skillful, can make anyone do or feel anything she wants, and I'm an inferior person because I'm not like her.

Compare yourself to nothing and no one but yourself. Are you better than you were?? If so, yay for you.

I don't know how to tell you how to get over hating yourself for who you've been. I have made myself over several times. I still hate autism and hate me, and would like to kill myself to get away from the memories of never being good enough, ever. Sometimes I think, "I'm not that bad," and think about the things other people have said and done as originating from their own pathologies instead of from my deserving inadequacy. Then I hate them, though, and those people are my second-degree relatives and the other parent or the grandparents of my children, so it's generally easier to just hate myself and assume I must deserve to be given s**t.

And no, a job is a job. Getting yourself unemployed reaching for grandiosity is just something else you can hate yourself for. By all means, look for a better job if you want a better job-- but it's easier to find a job when you have a job.

But because of all the overtime in my job, I do not have near enough time to look for another one. Everytime other job's want to schedule an interview, I have to take time off work, to go to the interview, but the more time I take off, the more I get put behind in my current job, hence more required overtime. So I am having a lot of trouble looking for a new job, and going to interviews, cause there is hardly any time with my current job.

When I think about how I was just five years ago, it makes me sad. I have to think about the good life I'm starting to make for myself now and think of the example of Denis Istomin, who overcame obstacles people thought were impossible to overcome. I realize that progress will be a bit slower at my age than it might have been had I matured normally, but I have made great strides forward in just the last four years.

Well I am trying to create the type of life I want now, it just feels like it's taking so much time, and I have no idea why I wasted so much time. My mom says it's because I am autistic, and I had trouble adjusting and I blame myself too much when it wasn't my fault. But I feel like I still could have taken more interest and tried... I didn't even try.

Plus I am told now that I am too old do certain things which really discourages me. I got so jealous of my friends having more accomplished than me that I put off hanging out with them for a quite a while cause I feel like I can't talk to them any more without getting really upset.