A crush before Jackie

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Still, basically, I am now almost glad God removed my ex, and I hope, perhaps wrong hope, He'll eventually let me marry the friend I've had a crush on since like July of 2007, even though right now I know that's wrong to hope for currently and I can't say anything to her because that too is wrong. I don't wish her the sadness I went through, but I wish I were married to her.

So, nobody has anything really to say on the actual topic? Not even "thou shalt not covet"? Good grief people. I get it, I do, I've whined about my ex-wife too much. I doubt my friend would ever really have an interest in me apart from friendship, though her being ENFP makes her seem flirty that is just her personality -- she's nice to everyone. I probably just have a crush on her because she has always been kind, though we do disagree on statism and taxation and such, herself having been raised in Canada where big government is more accepted. Either way, I still have never said anything to her about having a crush on her, and wont unless we're ever both not married at the same time.

It's sort of sadly funny, I didn't know it at the time, but around the same time when Jackie bit the kid and was accused of some way worse stuff and I was ready to divorce Jackie, my friend had broken up with her fiancée because of how he was mocking her religion and other stuff. We were almost both single at the same time then. Not that I'd think anything more would have become of it, she probably has way more stupid orbiters than just me, it's just an interesting coincidence.

I had a crush on her 8 months before I even met Jackie, yet I figured she would never be interested in me and Jackie would be more likely to be interested in me so I never said anything to her but considered only Jackie a possibility. That assessment is still probably right really, there's no likelihood I would ever be more to her than a distant friend in terms of merely human probability, but if I could send a message back to myself it would be something like "722, not 1026; Jackie is a pathological liar, potentially pedophilic, uses you to pay her legal fees and abandons right after her probation is over, uses words on forum to pretend excuse, don't say anything."

It's funny how things go, it's like there's no freedom of speech. I'm just expressing meaningless feelings I partly wish would go away, though partly I do wish I were actually married to my friend whom I've had a crush on occasionally for the past 11 years. I know that sounds horrible, and I did love Jackie and did my best to ignore any other feelings while she was with me, "forsaking all others" regardless of emotion. It's funny how idiots seem to think words are the same as actions though, they're not. As it is I would honor my lifelong vows to my ex if she returned before I married again, if I ever do, but I rather marry my friend instead if ever that somehow were to be.

Do you really want a new love?

Not really, I just don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to be married to a liar who might be a pedophile either. In workplaces where it's difficult not to develop crushes on fellow coworkers, women which are nice to me and not lazy, it's easier to focus on my crush on my friend since 2007 than on my ex who I far more easily remember the bad times than the good. To some extent, I focus on my crush in order to avoid relationships I don't want, ones which would actually be likely, partially while waiting for Jackie but also partially because I really wish I were her husband somehow someday.

You know what, I don't want my ex-wife back anymore. Via Mark 10:11-12 I might still be married to her that way, but Jackie is gone. I hope my friend that I have had a crush on since back in 2007 (though I surpressed it while I was in a relationship with Jacklyn), won't ever lose her husband. Though his previous mockery of her and difficulties of her life with CFS will probably lead to that, but if she does I will be there for her.

I may have complained about doing all the work when married to Jackie, but Jackie had no affliction, no reason to not help, but my friend has CFS and it makes life difficult for her. I hate the thought of her being abandoned, especially in that condition. I might as well stay single just because of Christ' words in Mark 10:11-12 & Luke 16:18, but if ever I could marry my friend I probably would risk Hell to be married to her, though most likely we'll never meet and she'll remarry someone closer by to her than me.

I will at least be there for her to comfort her with words and help her stay sane like she did for me when I was suicidal after Jackie left, though I'd probably be too shy to ever suggest any sort of romantic relationship even then when it would be okayish to. I guess for now, I will hope shei never goes through that horrible sadness I went through, but if she does I will be there for her because I do care about her.

I would be glad to be her husband if ever that were to be, and knowing her problems which developed after she married her husband I would be entering the relationship eyes wide open rather than wishing for things to be like they were before. I've always liked her, I can't get enough of reading everything she's said to me and her debating with atheists and standing up for her beliefs is what first attracted me to her back in 2007.

It's sad though, I feel like such a hypocrite for coveting her, but then again I'm not going to persue a romantic relationship with her while she's in a relationship still. Conditionally, if her husband goes the way of Jacklyn, I will be there for her, in words anyway, though I'd probably be too scared of losing her to suggest a romantic relationship even then, but I wish that could be if so. I wish I had married her instead of Jacklyn, but she is too out of my league, then and now.

Yes though, in revised answer I suppose I would want a "new" love, eventually, if the conditions are right so that at least Old Testament wise it isn't sin. I hate myself for wanting her to eventually be my wife, but if things ever work out that way I hope I shall be her husband someday. I hope she doesn't leave her husband though, I don't want to be afraid she'd do the same to me. If it happens, it would likely be her husband leaving like Jackie had left me, without any blame residing on her for his actions.

Ideally, they'll stay together and they'll have peace, but if it sadly happens to be that she is abandoned I will be there for her. It's sad she's having to go through so much already. I hope she will have a normal life someday and be free of CFS, but if she and I married and it never went away, I would do everything for her as I did for Jackie, but knowing what I'm getting into I would not complain about her but love her even more instead.

I wish I weren't so horrible in hoping to someday marry her if possible, but part of it is just in caring for her. She could probably find someone better than me easily, but I will still be there for her at least. If she did actually want to marry me though, I would do whatever it takes to see us through, but I'm probably never going to suggest it even when the time is right, just like I never bothered saying anything to her back in 2007 when we still both were single then. I wish I had tried then, but I figured she would never be interested in me so I never tried.

So, yes, I do. If ever the conditions are right, I do. It will have to be God that works out the details so this somehow isn't sinful, but I've wished I were married to her for years. I would have reconciled with Jacklyn and surpressed this crush again if I had to, but since there is no other hope for me anyway I will just wait patiently, hoping for her sake she never has to endure the sadness I went through, but standing by there to comfort her when sadness falls like rain for her as it did for me. I probably will never marry her, but now I think she is the only one I want to be married to. I probably will remain single the rest of my life, but I probably should anyway, but given the chance to marry my friend I would.

I seem so horrible, don't I? I know I am, but this is what I want. I pray she never has to go through that sadness, but I will be there for her if she does.

Am I horrible?

Still no real reply on this. I probably am horrible. Whatever.

I get it, there is nothing but silence to be said, right? No advice other than, "stop talking about your ex-wife", oy. I sorta wish I could be told I'm not horrible, but I sorta know I am. Yet for the possibility that I could be helpful in my friend's life if/when depression hits I still want to help.

I did compose a reply, but then I deleted it because I didn’t think it was helpful. I think it’s awesome that you’re moving on, and I wish you luck in that. Take care.

Well, thank you for saying this at least.

For if/when the lady I have a crush on is abandoned as I sadly think she eventually may be, this message is for her and it might as well go here with the rest of this insanity of mine.

Heavenly,

I hope that you may never go though the pain I went through when Jackie left me -- but you were there for me then and gave me reason not to commit suicide, and I'm here for you now. I hope you won't delete me when I tell you what I'm about to, but I am saying this partially to help you feel better, because, if things go the way I suppose they, sadly, likely will, you need to know that you are worthy of compassion and valuable as a person, but also because I really regret never having said anything back in 2007 (well, except when I saw your Hot or Not picture and I clicked 10 or whatever the max rating was) and in 2013 also, though I hadn't even noticed that you had broken up until after I decided not to divorce Jacklyn despite what she had done and all those details I whine about too often.

Sorry if I may upset you, but I want you to know this now. Please stay my friend even if what I say may annoy you, I don't mean to say this too soon, but I fear I may never get another chance and I don't want you to hurt yourself as I know how much it hurt when the person whom I thought was the love of my life left me, and if it weren't for you I would be dead.

Please forgive me if this is wrong to say, or still too soon to say it, Heavenly, but I have waited for years:

I had a crush on you back in 2007... and it's never fully gone away. I really wish I had bothered saying anything back then, but I didn't see the point, you were waaaaaaaaay out of my league, and still are, and I had nothing to offer you but feelings. I hope at this point I may be able to offer you more, it is my goal to work toward being able to do whatever needs to be done to support you and your dreams. I may not be the richest man on Earth, but, forgive me if it's too early to say this but I know I mean it: I love you Heavenly.

I'm okay with being friendzoned, please may we always be friends, and I'm sure you have many other orbiters far better and richer than me, but I know how I feel about you and I would do anything for you. I was able to mostly ignore my crush on you when I loved Jackie, but since 2015 it hasn't gone away again. I know that's horrible of me, to have a crush on you while you're still married, but I had that crush on you since before either of us met the other ones we married first. I have loved you for so long, and I can't stop loving you. Please don't hate me, Heavenly, I will miss you deeply if you go.

Especially please don't hurt yourself while in the pain of what you're going through. I hope God will have healed you from CFS before your atheist husband leaves, because I know just the pain of abandonment is bad enough but dealing with CFS still too then would be an insane difficulty level. :'( Please, Heavenly, don't give up. Never give up! Never surrender! :p :'( Please, don't.

It's been about 11 years of friendship we've had now, at the time of this writing, and I don't know how long it will be until your spouse leaves you, but it is my guess it won't be too many years. Sorry for judging your relationship with him so pessimistically, but I wouldn't send you this letter until he does. I could list the reasons why I thought this was probable, but I don't want to annoy you with sounding prideful or making you feel bad. I actually hope, for your sake, that it all works out with you and him, but I also wish I could travel back in time and marry you instead of Jacklyn. I don't know how I could really adjust the timeline to make that happen, but I would if I could.

I hope you aren't upset with me Heavenly, I'm sorry if I've made things any worse for you than they already are, but it is my goal to make your life better and to make sure you know you're loved. Please don't hate me, but I do love you Heavenly, I have since July 7th 2007AD when I was impressed by how smart and brilliant you were in arguing in favor of Creationism versus Evolutionism, Christianity versus atheism, pro-life versus anti-life, and how nerdy and awesome you were back then and still are. I felt back then that you were the woman I had always wanted to marry, but I said nothing. Love you.

Though I know you were probably just sharing a favorite song with me when you commented about Pop Goes My Heart being one of your favorite tunes from rom-coms, I listen to that song and think of you, but until it's right to say anything directly I can only wonder if you'd ever liked me as much as I've liked you. Probably not, not yet, but maybe someday we shall and I hope we'll eventually marry. I wish I could say this to you now, but I know it would be wrong. Still, if ever we are together, I can show you later that I really did have feelings for you for so long, though I hope you don't think less of me for them.

I hope God heals you really, but if things go badly as I think they will I will be here for you.

It's stuff like this that really makes me wish I were able to invent time travel. I had hoped for reconciliation with Jackie, but now I think I much rather be a stupid orbiter for a friend who may one day be in need. I probably am horrible, but what can I really do? I don't want to find somebody new, I just wish I knew what to rightly do.

I hope she'll never have to go through this. Life was really hard for me when my wife left me, but I can see her going through this and it breaks my heart for her just imagining what she'll go though. I'll be here, helpless to do anything but offer words and she'll be way out there so far away hurting like crazy. I hope I can help if this does happen like I think it will, but I have no clue and everything I say may make it worse. She helped me not commit suicide though, so I owe it to her to try and help her however I can if she needs me to. I hope she may never go through what I did, she has too many difficulties already.