Found out Wife is Having an Affair

Post Reply New Topic

I like how you think.

Loud and abusive. I'm like that after I've been hurt for about 2 days. Then I have this bad habit of calming down.

I already have some...and it irritates me. The woman (girl? What's the correct term...Idunno...) that is really getting to me asked me to try and wake her up over IM in 3 hours (7AM) because her alarm is busted. I'm drunk on everclear, but I still set my alarm for 7AM so I can try to do that for her. Short bursts of rage followed by feelings of guilt and subsequent weakness when I give in. Oh well, already said elsewhere that this will be the death of me. I've all but accepted it. I just hope others won't.

Dave saint

I don't reckon ripping into her is going to do much, much better to act like gentleman, I don't know how long you've been married . But I know if you act like a loon now whatever happens in the future be it divorce or you forgiving her it will all be so much harder if your aggresive now . Show her your a man and can handle yourself in any crisis , then at least she will know what shes missing , another thing to bear in mind , if she hasn't left you in a year chances are no matter what shes been up to she still wants you more than the other guy , even tho it probably doesnt feel like that now.
Im sorry you've been hurt .

I'm not gonna try to convince you that I know what your going through, I don't. I mean, I've been cheated on before, and it suuuuuuucks. But your wife? OUCH!

Just try not to explode on her. The last thing you wanna do is give her an excuse to be doing this to you. It's alot less destructive to ones reputation to say "He was a jerk and he screamed at me all the time and thats why I cheated on him" then to say "He seemed detached sometimes which is why I stabbed him in the back like jerk"

Theres nothing I hate more than being betrayed by someone. Dump the stupid c**t 'wife' of yours after making her life miserable for a little bit.

Skip over the affair for a moment. Dave, were you "happy" before finding out? Were you content, satisfied, comfortable, trusting? Were there any positive parts to the relationship that were fulfilling, rewarding? Did you love and feel loved? Did you feel safe and secure? Did you LIKE the person you were married to? Did you ENJOY doing things together? Did you share common interests? Were you able to communicate?

If not, that is what you are missing. Those are some pretty good things to look for in a relationship. I'd like all that. I didn't once mention sex in there, I'm thinking of the companionship level. The partnership of a couple in tune with each other. If you aren't in tune, everything suffers, including your sex life.

Thinking now of the affair, why would she give up TWO good things, when she can have them both. Ditto for the other man. They can each stay in their marriages, without risking much if they don't get along. The two of them not getting along. They risk a LOT with their marriages though.

Sort of like young adults that still live at home, and they sneak off to rendezvous. Yeah, they could get in trouble, but I think they believe that they can get away with it. Maybe not, I'm just guessing.

Nevertheless, it has occurred. Yes, I believe that the other spouse has a right to know. They also have a decision to make.

I probably would have copied or printed the emails myself, that had been found on the computer, and filed for divorce immediately. Depending on how bad they were, that is.

I like to think of Christopher Reeve. I use that example a lot. He WAS Superman. He had a lot going for him. And one crummy fall paralyzed him. Obviously there was more to the marriage than him being an actor, who was kind of a good looking guy, I guess.

His entire life changed at that moment, except the love and marriage survived. And he became a spokesperson, instead of an actor.

I hurt my back with just a simple twist on my balcony. I still don't know what THAT was, but there are things wrong with my back, and it may never be the same. It's been seven years. So if I'd been married at that time, I would have had a job and been working on a Master's degree and wanting to get a good job.

Now I'm just poor and disabled. I can't do a lot of the things i used to do. Because it hurts.

In a way, though, it's good. Not the pain part. But I learned more about who I am. And what I really need and what I think is important.

You can do that too. You have had your life irrevocably changed. An emotional injury. That was caused by that spouse. Maybe it's time to move on. You can leave that pain behind and heal.

And you have the opportunity to meet someone else who will value you for what you are now.

I think that your spouse may not like that too much. Unless the other man divorces too, she'll be surprisingly alone. If the other spouse learns of this, and they do decide to work it out (I don't know the nature of THEIR relationship), your ex-wife will have paid the price for her deceit.

Any way it works, whatever happens, there will be pain.

Oh, and the same links that I posted for Zombie in the Women's Forum where he has a poll on if women like their boobies being touched, those links would apply to you too. LOL! And some of what I said there too.

You might not be feeling a strong attraction to your spouse anymore. That doesn't mean you won't feel a strong attraction to someone else.

Do you want to salvage your marriage? I'd let her know that you have found out and decide where to go from there.

Living a lie is no good for either of you.

I reckon sort it or split.

HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING!! !! !! !

How dare you say such a thing? Encouraging verbal abuse. I'm sorry for you, davesaint, I really am, but do not take the advice of these w*kers. My mother and I have been on the recieving end of verbal abuse for several years from my father, and I will not tolerate the encouragement in this manner. In verbal abuse, there are no visible wounds, and the damage can be often longer lasting. And while harder to show, verbal abuse is the same as physical abuse.

shadexiii. Kezzstar. I'm very disappointed in you. I do not care what circumstances propelled you to make such a post. That was uncalled for. Especially you, Kezzstar. I would've thought an Australian knew better.

Woah!

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Why don't you sit down with her and talk? Have a go at her and ask "Why have you resorted to cheating on me?" If she don't answer or pretend to deny it, walk out on her.

I’d go and converse with his wife....

I confronted my wife yesterday. The way I did it some may say it was somewhat immature but the way I did it I think I was kind of clever. Here's what I did. I wrote her 3 letters. The first letter I stated I've been having an affair for over two years with someone at work (this is the immature part) and that we were in love and wanted to get married. The goal for me with this letter was for her to feel the same pain that I felt in the pit of my stomach when I found out about her affair.

I gave her this letter first and walked out of the room. You followed me in the other room and was laughing at me asking me if I was kidding. I told her no. She said I know you are lying. I told her I wasn't. She still didn't believe me that I could have an affair.

Next I gave her the second letter. I stated in the second letter that the part about the affair that I said was having was a lie. I also told her that I was really contacted by Tonya (the boyfriend's wife) at work and she told me that she suspected her husband and my wife were having an affair. In the letter I asked her if was true. Was she having an affair? (By the way maybe immature and manipulative on my part the wife of my wife's boyfriend never called me). My wife smiled and stated that what his wife said was ridiculous that the two of them were not having an affair.

This brings me to the third lettter. The first sentence said that if you receive this letter you lied to me in the last letter (letter 2). I then told her in this letter how I found her email account that she left open and that I read all of the emails. She was busted and she knew it. She stated that she was not having an affair because she quit sleeping with the guy 3 months ago. However they were still seeing each other once a month and talked on the phone daily. What she said is true because there is an email supporting what she said. I asked if she went to the Bill Clinton school of BS. I told her whether it was an emotional affair or a sexual affair an affair is an affair. It was sexual for 15 months. She's telling me she wants to stay with me and she stated she called the guy last night and broke it off and that she will never contact him again. More to follow later. I haven't decided what I want to do yet. Need time to think.
Dave

I was drunk. Very. And irritable because of some things I was dealing with. Never said it was good advice. My excessive use of swearing should have made that evident.

It is usually more talk than action on my part. I get really pissed (and drunk,) I rant about it, I calm down, it never gets back to the person I was angry at. Not the best way to handle it, but better than verbal (or physical) abuse on the person.

Last edited by shadexiii on 26 May 2007, 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's exactly what you should do. This is a big decision for you to have to make (albeit one that was forced upon you) so you should take your time with it. If she's impatient, then you should take that into consideration. She is the one that made the mistake, she should be capable to deal with some amount of uncertainty while you think this through. Hell, you may even want to talk with her about it, if possible. Not saying that I'd be able to, but it might be a good idea.

If you decide to stick with her, well, more the power to you. Still, not an easy choice. First you have to decide if, after this huge breach of trust, you are willing to give her a second chance. Like I said, you're doing the right thing, take as much time as you need to think this through. If she's really serious about staying with you, she should be willing to give you as much time as you need.

As for the letters, that was a clever way to do it. Without the first letter, I think that's a pretty good way to deal with it. The first one, well, yeah, can't say I think it was a great idea, but I can't say I'd have acted any differently. (My post from last night should make that pretty clear. )

I am still disappointed in you. Drunk or not, verbal abuse is not the answer. I have dealt with that for a good chunk of my life, and your advocation, even under the influence of alcohol, is anathema to me.

Stay mad, disappointed, upset, whatever, if you will. I've dealt with it myself. At times I've not been at my best and I've returned the favor. I think it is pretty obvious that I don't support it based upon my last post prior to this one.

I wasn't apologizing, I was merely explaining myself. Does it excuse my actions? No. But I can't take it back. If you can't appreciate that under certain circumstances people don't act at their best, well, what else is there for me to say?

I'm not mad or disapointed in you shadexiii. I'm 42 years old. If this happened to me when I was a lot younger I probably would have lost it. I did not get verbally abuisve

Dave