I have no motivation

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The thing with the idea of doing stuff for me rather than other people is that I don't feel the need to.

Does it matter that on my day off work today I slept till 1pm and then just sat messing about on my laptop?

Maybe I'd feel better if I left the house and did something, but do I really need to?

Nothing really matters in the long run. There's not really much point to anything. And no one cares. What I do doesn't really affect anyone.

Vendetta

for about the past ten years i have had little motivation

failed a lot of times

and a lot of social rejection

sometimes the failure and social rejection had powerful , long term effects that i did not imagine and could not have believed at the time

hence fear of failure and social rejection

motivation fear versus greed

its like cost benefit analysis

what do i rightly or wrongly perceive

the chances of success are? what happens if i succeed?

what happens if i fail?

emotions are not always logical



usually if i succeed, its like whooptie do

and the punishment for failure is subject to imagination

for example, five years ago, a precious lil "person" that told me she was my "friend" for 12 years dumped me. after an argument. disagreement. conflict



and after that i wasted a lot of time crying , venting, and ranting about her and it

but cost benefit analysis



what if she still told me that she was my precious lil"friend" to this day, then what

hold hands, skipping off into the sunset?

she is just not worth that much energy

in my wotrthless opinion, thus far, almost nobody that i have interacted with for a long time, is worth the energy it takes to interact with them

they are sometimes good in some ways

and nobody is perfect. and i have plenty of flaws

and if someone appeared perfect, then that to me seems more suspicious. not less.

"too good to be true"

an article claimed that police sometimes get suspicious of drivers with perfect driving

A French doctor born into a musical family (called Alfred Tomatis) treated patients using music.

He helped ADHD, autistic and depressed people.
The ear connects to many of the body's organs.

And i don't understand the detail but Mozart's violin concertos are meant to be as effective as taking a Valium.

I've lived with people for about six months now, after living mostly alone for over a decade. I feel better already. Checking my reality against consensus reality more often helps, as does getting a little annoyed often. I don't go as far off on lengthy flights of fantasy, and I have a better baseline ability to manage feeling annoyed by other people. Both of these factors make it easier for me to engage socially with less effort.

I had thought that living alone would give me more energy to intentionally socialize, but that didn't happen. I got lazy and intolerant.

I've done far more cleaning here than I did in my own home, exactly because of wanting to care for others more than I would care for myself.

Interesting point. Yes I was much more productive when I lived with other people.

The thought of getting a flatmate after so long being used to my own space kind of scares me. I did not get on with my last flatmate and found her very stifling and controlling.

Classical music usually soothes the soul in my case--though I don't listen to it that much.

So does listening to old rock-n-roll radio shows.

Vendetta

You wrote that what you do "always fails"

If there is one thing you have ever succeeded at, then it is not "always fails"

Anyways though exaggeration for emphasis

Yeah I get it

Sometimes I think and feel that way too



But that is because I put too much emphasis on my numerous drastic failures and social rejection

And I got an intense fear of failure and rejection

But that does not mean I "always fail"

Anyways maybe it is just easier to notice and remember the failures than success

Failure feels more dramatic. At least to me

About ten years ago, my cousin got a BS in Aerospace engineering.

And I told someone that used to volunteer with me

The volunteer said "that is great"

But the cousin has been unemployed since then (something like that)



The cousin had to default school loans



So. If something as seemingly good and innocent as a BS in Aerospace engineering could have bad effects, imagine all the other things that look good and later end up causing bad effects




Hence that justifies my gluttonous and lazy behavior


One thing is that I often (but not always) fail

The other thing is that if and when I succeed it is not always worth the cost benefit analysis

Furthermore, if I fulfill the goal, the goal could end up causing worse problems











So why bother doing anything?

Fifasy

In fifth grade my precious lil "parents" sent me to six months of clarinet lessons

And I hated it

In eighth grade, took band at school. Clarinet

Ninth grade took marching band. Two weeks. Trombone. Performed once.



Then school started. Japanese class was the same time. So took Japanese

Once in a while want to play trombone

But cost benefit analysis

Lessons cost $$. Trombone cost$$

Nowhere to practice

Do not have that kind of patience

Impatient

Lazy

Apathetic



And whatever effort I put will not be worth the outcome

There is no law that says I have to take trombone



Nobody is holding a gun to my ugly fat stupid head and telling me to take trombone

Nobody is financially bribing me to take trombone

Nobody is peer pressuring me to take trombone

So

As usual I don't do nothing too hard



Burnout

Lazy

Impatient

Sensitive hearing

Apathetic

Cowardly

Fear of failure and social rejection

Too far gone

Lost cause



Logistics

Fair enough short.

You're not a performing seal

But maybe you could?d arrange for a friend to hold a gun to your head metaphorically speaking if you needed motivation, as long as its a toy one