Another Frustrating Bout of Depression

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Well, there's more money coming in soon, so my chance to go to our Planet Fitness again might be coming sooner than I think. And there's plenty of things I could probably shoot for...it's just the matter of me limiting myself so damn much and being complacent that is holding me back. As for my behavorial specialist, at this point, I don't know how much she's helping (though my inability to follow through with the assignments she gives me probably isn't helping either).

...Admittedly, I'm not even sure if a psychiatrist would even help (since it's not easy to tell which ones will genuinely help you and which ones are just there to listen to you rattle off your problems and either write your problems off as something to solve with a pill bottle or just siphon your money away).

If a psychiatrist gives you some anti-depressants, they are treating you and you'll benefit from the treatment. I'm glad that Planet Fitness might be an option for you. Hopefully the exercise will help with your depression. It's weird because I work extremely hard during the day and come home exhausted. But even thought I'm totally trashed when I get home, if I exercise that evening I wake up full of energy the next day. I guess the human body is more resilient that we think.

Well... I really hope that this will improve my health, because I've just been...so exhausted lately. I'm so lonely, I'm fed up with everything going on in the world, I'm letting my fears and anxiety rule me, the net neutrality repeal is scaring the hell out of me and...I'm just so worried about everything.

You have a lot of anxiety which is exhausting you. Not to mention you're autistic, and that's freakin exhausting. Exercise will increase your energy, and anti-depressants will reduce your anxiety.

That being said, don't expect things will be perfect. You'll probably improve significantly, but you'll still have some struggles. You'll just be able to cope with them better. I just finished a 6 week clinical in physical therapy, and I'm writing this as I lay under some heavy covers in my bed. It's currently 7:45 PM where I am, and I'm exhausted. I'll have enough energy to read my son Harry Potter before he goes to sleep, and than I'll probably be asleep not long afterwards.

Still, I did well in my clinicals and I'm going to get a very good review from my clinical instructor. The last patient I saw before I left cried because I'm leaving for my next clinical, and I had some nice hugs from other patients as well. I also became I part of the team with the other staff.

Here's what I'm getting at. I'm still a guy with autism, but I worked my ass off and I accomplished something that autistic people aren't supposed to do. But I am taking vitamins, I'm exercising, I'm trying to be (somewhat) careful about my diet, and I'm trying to address some of the issues I have with executive decisions I struggle with. Don't place yourself in a box, take it one step at a time and begin to take control of your life. You can do this, bro!

It's not even just that; I'm freaking the f**k out over everything surrounding me. The current downward tailspin the country is caught in. The repeal of net neutrality becoming officially published in the federal register and set to become law this April. The frustration of watching as the corrupt and powerful tread all over everything with little regard for the effects and the aftermath. The disgust toward the backsliding into nationalism and racism. The constant pushing of overly radical political views with no consideration for morals or ethics. The general lack of knowledge, experience or professionalism from anybody with a job that requires some kind of smarts, who typically just work for the paycheck and are willing to half-ass a job just to get it. The feelings that nobody is willing to or can help me through all of this insane BS despite the fact that I am very much unable to function in a society like this (or for that matter, help me cope with my fears and worries). The general air of hostility I feel from the whole world as of late making me always feel like I have to be on my guard. The feelings of loneliness because I don't know who I can trust or build a trusting relationship with, with the few friends I still have getting more and more distant and busy with their lives. The mounting frustration with being unable to move on or improve my quality of life because I'm so f*****g crippled by the weight of everything going on and the weight of becoming an adult entails. The fear of having to watch as everything begins to self-destruct around you (and the subsequent fear of knowing everything is soon to be lost forever to history without knowing how to properly preserve everything) and being caught in the middle of all of it. ...The fear of feeling like you'll never amount to anything because of the way you were born or being so crippled by your fears and distrust of everything around you that you can't bring yourself to do anything.

I feel like I just can't enjoy anything anymore. Playing video games only ever seems to make me angry whenever I encounter anything remotely frustrating or difficult while I struggle to figure out how to beat a part. I keep fearing that people will hate what I draw or write. Finding good movies and television series to watch is far more difficult to find than it has been, and even then, I find it hard to just relax and enjoy something of quality (not helped by my tendency to be critical and being resistant to anything new/changes in my status quo). Even being out in public I can't enjoy because I always have to be afraid of just saying one thing wrong and people will start to flip the f**k out at just the slightest provocation.

I don't even know what I'm doing on this goddamned planet or even what I'm supposed to do on it before I die. I started out full of hope and wonder for the world, but as I've gone on and been exposed to the darker side of the planet, I've grown steadily more and more jaded until I just feel like I'm about to reach my breaking point and either lash out and hurt people or just do myself in and save myself the trouble of a long and painful end. The only thing I've done since getting out of high school was undoing the probation I was on (an incident toward the end of school where I lashed out at a particularly mean student while under stress pretty much deep sixed my chances at a Core 40 certificate and I think it's made me too scared to do anything because she lied to the police about what happened), and since then, I've just been sitting in my house, growing more and more bitter at how the world is moving on without me, unable to adapt and roll with the punches because they're becoming too rough and too full of broken bones to comfortably roll on.

My concerns have gotten to the point that about the only things I really take care of is washing dishes and taking the dogs out. I haven't been keeping up on my personal hygiene and...I just feel completely and utterly dead inside. It just feels like there's absolutely nothing left to live for and that this country - as well as the world at large - is just on a irreversible slide into self-oblivion. I fear for so f*****g much and I just don't know what to do. Even with what good there still is in the world, it feels more and more like good is losing more ground every day while evil is triumphing.

...I just feel like I've trapped myself in a box a lot of times, and my reasons might seem understandable...but at the same time, this isolation is maddening. I'm getting closer and closer to the edge and I just wish I had some answers, maybe even some kind of idea on what path I'm supposed to be going down or what my future holds...just...something I can hold onto and hope for, even as the world goes mad around me...

...I'm sorry if I'm kind of waxing poetic, but I guess it's just a way for me to cope and get my feelings out somewhere (though what I'm saying is still me being honest about my feelings). I just envy that there's many other aspies out there who can cope with all of this better then I can.