I can't cope living where I am

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If you like the place you grew up in, would it be possible for you to move back there? Do you have any relatives left there that could possibly help you out?

Sarahsmith I'd live in Canada if I could but I can't.

No it doesn't matter anyway. On New Year's Eve I got assaulted by two pensioners because I was speaking out loud in a strange way, they thought I was a threat, and they started physically assaulting me. I punched them a few times to protect myself, self defence. But when the cops got there because I was the drunk one I was the only one arrested. And now I have to go to court and I don't know if I'm going to end up in prison. That's why right now I'm considering killing myself. I know some of you will think "get over yourself" but I can't cope with loud noises and lots of people in one place like in prison... and that's why I'm close to killing myself right now.

^^^ Well, that su*ks. I'm sure I couldn't tolerate prison either. Do you get the UK equivalent of a lawyer to represent you? Can you argue you have a disability? It's not fair, but it happens. I have had to help people in trouble with the law here and in jail here and it is not pretty. Do you have someone who can advocate for you? You said something nice about your mother a while back.

I'm not asking you to get over it. None of us ever get over stuff, just learn how to live with it better, or how to live through it. I get jail would be terrible for an aspie. Is there anything positive anyone can do?

And in the meantime, if you are drunk, please stay home so you don't risk situations in which you could get hurt (or arrested!)

Hopefully the judge will postpone jail and just order you go to AA meetings or some outpatient rehab clinic 5x/week.

^^^^thats not a bad idea. Go to some AA meetings BEFORE you have to go to court to show good faith.

I had to go to AA meetings and do community service. It's tedious but it beats going inside again.

Thanks for caring and what you have to say is helpful. I'm scared of going to Alcoholics Anonymous because it's an hour and a half of, in a sense, socialising. But I know alcohol is a problem so I'm going to try to figure out a way to go.

I do have a lawyer, I'm meeting them soon. Hopefully that will give me more confidence.



How are things now?

Well, I don't know what AA is like in the UK, but after many many years in Al Anon and attending many open AA meetings, I can say that you can be as uncomfortable as you want, and people will still be accepting. The basic format is sitting around a table, a circle, a church basement. It opens with the Serenity Prayer and/or the Lord's Prayer. Then they read the 12 steps, the 12 traditions and 12 something else that I have forgotten. The only one you need to concentrate on now is the first 3 steps. Then people go around the room and say something to the effect of "Hi, I'm Blaze and I'm an alcoholic." Then everyone else says "hi, Blaze." The program may be a speaker where one person tells his/her story of what alcohol did to him/her and I can promise you there will be people there who are "worse" than you. Or, the meeting focuses on a step or tradition and people either go around the circle or speak up, depending on the format, which will be explained. Usually they welcome newcomers. You do NOT have to say anything at all. You will still be welcomed. You can sneak out after it is over or maybe someone will start talking to you.

If you call the AA telephone line, you might find someone who will give you a ride. I don't know if anyone still does that. There are also meetings all over the place and unless you live in a way out in the woods place like me, there will be more than one meeting. some are in the day time. Or you can just call the AA telephone and talk to someone. For all I know there is a facebook page and/or texting. There might even be online meetings.

All you have to do is pick up that 100 pound telephone (this was before cell phones...dates me!)

Doesn't matter if you don't believe in God, doesn't matter if you like them or if they like you. Do the program and you can get sober. And at least, it might impress the judge.

All said with best most care.
(((fifasy)))

I find that it's rare for people to go to jail for simple assault.

You have the right to an attorney. Have you gotten one yet?

I work in the Criminal Courts in my city.

I get the impression that the UK is more lenient with these sorts of things than the US is. But NYC is actually pretty lenient. If you get arrested for simple assault, they won't make you plead to the misdemeanor until maybe the fourth arrest. You still don't go to jail then.

People who go to jail are usually "regulars" there.

UK prisons are overcrowded, it would be madness to send you to prison over something like this, especially taking into account your circumstances. Hopefully this incident will turn out to be a positive in the sense that you'll get some proper support. Hang in there, you will get through this and be stronger for it.

How are things now?[/quote]

They're better, thanks. It was a gruelling time and except from my temper I'm a better person.

Relax, I'm sure it will be ok.

Fifasy - how are you doing?

Not that good. I feel ignore by people. I saw my doctor today. She was nice but ultimately I came away thinking she didn't listen much to me. I told her about the pain in my hand and finger and she did nothing about then. Told her about my severe anxiety and how I wanted Valium but she didn't want to give me it so she said come back and see me in a few weeks.

How are you Blaze?

That sounds awful! What kind of a doctor is that? It drives me nuts when healthcare providers don't address the problem. I have had my own run-ins with doctors. So, she ignored the pain in your hands. She denied your request for valium. Did she do anything constructive? Do you get to choose your doctor?

I'm hanging in there with my healing broken ankle. I'm pretty tired of dragging a cast around and being in pain. But then I remind myself how lucky I am to have health insurance and to live in a time when surgeons can repair these kinds of breaks and I will not be hobbling around and in pain for the rest of my life.

Your comment on my music has got me fired up again about playing, and I can feel the difference in my soul, I am so grateful for that gift, from you. I hope you can pick up your guitar again.

If you are still drinking a lot, maybe some in patient rehab would be a good way to "reset" your body and mind. Is that a possibility? Have you given it any thought?

I think she said she was going to write to a mental health nurse who helps me at the Asperger's team to ask them to do more. She was suggesting anti-depressants too; I was adamant that I've seen what they've done to my brother and other people; have tried them before; the way they work isn't for me, isn't going to be what helps me.

There are about 6 doctors at the place I'm registered. I won't see 2 of them because I've had past negative experiences with them, they were ignorant. Another doctor there I'm ambivalent about. She might be worth visiting again, though she prescribed me an antidepressant after I'd told her several times I've tried them in the past and they don't work, and am opposed to the way they work anyway. So seemed to indicate she perhaps isn't a good listener, or doesn't care enough.

I can still try the other doctors If I can get an appointment with them.

I'm sorry you're still in pain with your ankle. You're doing well just to keep going. It's fine to complain about it if you want. Sometimes it isn't easy being stoic.

I'm disappointed I couldn't get the Valium. I know a guy in the town I live in who regularly gets prescribed it by his doctor. My dad used to get it years ago, he told me. IMO modern day anti-depressants just don't do anything for a lot of people, including me. It's a shame so many doctors now won't prescribe things that could tide people over for a while.

Almost every college course I ever tried, I quit because of anxiety. It was too much. Then one year I finished an English, Maths and Science course even though it was hard. You know how? I drank 6 shots of vodka before going in each day. I think people cottoned on that I was moderately drunk but I got away with it because I regularly saw the guidance counselor there and told them how I was struggling and emailed one of the tutors talking about my problems.

I don't know about rehab, I think there are other issues I've got that might make it hard going to such a place. I do have a strategy for trying to reset my mind though, and to try to escape the alcoholism. I'm aiming to attempt a mostly raw vegan diet. Soaking nuts and seeds to get rid of the enzyme inhibitors; then draining them. They will be a good source of fats and proteins, vitamins and minerals. I might even buy a food dehydrator to dry them to make them more palatable after soaking. Also lots of vegetables and fruits.

I have a theory that such a diet might help a lot of people's mental illness such as anxiety and depression. My theory hinges on the idea that we evolved from apes and the way chimpanzees and orangutans and other apes eat is mostly simple raw foods like fruits, vegetables and nuts. What I'm saying isn't really original, of course. It's similar to what is known as primal or paleo diet. But those diets I think also recommend meat and fish. My theory is that the first humans wouldn't have known how to cook anything because apes don't cook so likely would have ate very little meat and fish, except raw, which is possible but not very palatable. (Bear Grylls has ate raw meat and fish on his TV shows, sometimes even when they're still alive - poor creatures.) Actually I think what I'm saying is pretty much known as "raw veganism" - but I suppose I just explained it in detail anyway.

The reason a lot of people can't tolerate gluten which is in wheat and the protein casein which is in cow's milk is probably because such foods were not a part of the original human diet; they became so later on when we learned to farm animals and domesticate wild grains. Initially I suspect people wouldn't have even eaten wild wheat because it wouldn't have looked appetizing in the way a colourful piece of fruit or vegetable would have, or an interesting little nut hanging off a tree. As for seeds, we would have eaten them because a pumpkin looks tasty and the pumpkin seeds were inside it or the sunflower looks attractive and the seeds came from it.

You deserved the praise for your music, it makes me feel a bit better to know I helped you.

^^^

Thanks for explaining more of what is going on.

I have met several alcoholics, extremely intelligent people who succeed despite their alcohol intake. It is interesting that you did better at school with a lot of alcohol on board. AA and rehab are not for everyone and perhaps not for you either. I can certainly understand the terror of being in a place with so many other people....Just another random thought, alcohol might be serving the same function as stimming does for other autists.

A change in your diet could well help you with a "reset." From my experience, different people respond differently to different diets and different medications. The trick is finding out what works for you. It is frustrating to work with doctors who do not respect your own experience with your own body. My philosophy is that the doctor has a broad and educated experience and is an expert in the medical field, but I have the most experience and am the expert on my body. It needs to be a collaboration.

For myself, doctors kept trying different anti-depressants, but I did find one that helped. Not so much with depression but as part of a cocktail of meds that seem to put the worst of the pain in remission. It would be wonderful if you also found a medication that would make things easier for you. I understand the interest in trying an anti-anxiety drug like valium, just to know what it feels like to not be so anxious all the time. How do you (editorially) know what to aim for (relaxation) when you have never experienced it?