Struggling With Romantic Loneliness

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This seems to be very common advice and I do see how good the advice seems. Yet how does one force themselves to be interested and passionate about something when they simply aren't? Further, at what point does forcing a new passion take too much away from ones true passions?
I'd assume anyone dedicated enough to fake a passion for something like sports would find social success with it. I wonder, then, how much success they'd have at developing friends/partners with these tools and then slowly replacing their forced passion back with their true passions.

Or does the advice typically mean to instead search for some new thing they can truly be passionate about, that is very socially interesting and potentially attract a partner?




That is a very dangerous mindset. If one isn't careful, past failures will slowly but surely become the cause of future failure. There was a root cause to the lack of romantic success; it could be as simple as just not going out and trying enough times, or not being interesting enough, not being interested enough in them or even being too interested in them. Figuring out what the cause of failure is, is substantially better than letting the failure become the reason.

I know because I've let my past failures become the reason for future failures far too many times, myself.
Never, ever, give up.

Well first of all I'd like to say that I'm sorry that you had to deal with abusive parents. I can't imagine what that would be like.

I don't treat myself as well as I could be in some instances and under some circumstances, so adopting an attitude of treating myself in the fashion that I'd treat someone under my care, or a relationship partner would probably be a useful principle to implement. I'm not sure how much re-parenting strategies parallel the problem I've outlined, but I can imagine there'd be a bit of overlap in the self-care and/or self-esteem department.

I never said I don't believe in therapy, or that therapy can't work. What I said was that I don't see the utility in it in my particular situation as my depression will most likely be unrelenting until I achieve some sort of romantic success, but I'm starting to reconsider that conviction because whilst therapy likely can't get me a romantic partner, it can probably indirectly contribute to success in that area by potentially tackling some of the things that may be barriers to my romantic success. At this stage I'm on the fence about therapy, mostly because I'm not rich, and I'd also ideally want someone with a sound understanding of Aspergers if I were to see a therapist as my last therapist specialised in different areas and I wonder whether that may have been why I didn't find her as helpful. Additionally, since then I believe I'm able to articulate my problems better and that can only make things more conducive to positive results.

I probably won't ever get back on psychotropic medication though as I believe the origin of my issues is circumstancial rather than mental in that if a few things were different about my life and circumstances, I doubt I'd struggle with depression much, if at all. I started taking Zoloft when I was 15 in 2011 and I only noticed something of a difference in like the first year, and I still felt depressed, but I kept taking it in fear of how I might be if I stopped. I really didn't feel like it was making a difference though so I stopped taking it around Christmas and as I thought I feel absolutely no difference emotionally. The only difference I feel is liberation from not being chained to a pill that was doing nothing for me anyway. The scepticism I have towards the psychological industry largely stems from the fact that I feel they overprescribe psychotropic medication, which I don't think is helpful unless you're someone who has a spontaneous chemical imbalance in your brain (i.e. you're depressed or anxious for no discernable reason), or maybe due to past trauma, or if it's to be taken short-term whilst simultaneously rigorously working to neutralise the root cause(s) of your depression (or anxiety).

Ok, a couple of things. I'm not some blank slate with nothing worth contributing to conversations, nor am I some wet blanket who manipulates every conversation he participates in to be about his own struggles, nor am I someone who looks hopefully or desperately at every female I meet as a potential romantic partner.

You might think that I'm needy or desperate from this post, but this post is about my innermost feelings regarding my struggles with romantic love, not my opening statement at parties, or the first message I articulate to any female I ever meet.

I have a lot of subject matters that I'm interested in talking about, and I know well enough to give others the opportunity to broach their subject matters of interest too. I do spend considerably less time pursuing hobbies outside of my house since starting full-time work, but that's because I'm already not a very energetic person and my energy is largely drained at the end of the day from working. That and not having a car to get me places equates to me recouping at home doing what I do enjoy, which is largely watching funny or thought-provoking videos, playing a little bit of chess online here and there and a couple of games. I do play guitar and drums but my fingers have been a bit funny for about a year and that in conjunction with full-time work sees me playing guitar a lot less, and I don't have room for a drum kit in my house.

Furthermore, I'm not happy with my weight and such, so like I said I've taken action and started cutting out unnecessary calories in order to start losing weight. You don't start marketing a product until you're satisfied with it, now do you?

I'm also looking at the prospect of moving out of my mum's, saving vigorously and looking at what my best option for a long-term career option would be, so for you to assume that I'm just sitting on my hands waiting for things to come to me just because I'm not exploring hobbies or confident enough with how I am physically at this point to put myself out there is quite frankly insulting. Maybe try doing a little less assuming in the future and asking a few more questions before you jump to conclusions about people, hey?

So how does one figure out the cause of failure in retrospect? It's not like I can ask the people who rejected me. My theory is that I'm simply not what the majority of women are looking for. Maybe I'm too awkward, maybe I'm too unattractive, Maybe I've just not found myself in a situation whereby I've been able to forge a connection with a woman who could potentially evolve into a romantic partner. Maybe I simply don't know enough women.

It might be worth noting that I don't have any close female friends, and the few female friends that I do have, I met through friends rather than organically. I'm more closed off to social situations since I put the weight on, but even a few years ago when I wanted to, I found it difficult to create organic friendships, which is fine since nowadays, while I'm open to making new friends, I don't care enough about expanding my friendship circle to make much effort on my part to do so, at least with male friends. I wouldn't mind making a few female friends but I'm infinitely more interested in forming a romantic connection than I am expanding my friendship circle at all. I'd be quite content whether I expanded my friendship circle or not, provided I had a romantic partner.

You know, I'm glad we had this exchange. You've just written a very nice statement of your strengths and positive traits. Maybe all you needed was a pep talk, and maybe you've just given your own pep talk.

Happy 4 U!

Thanks, but to be honest I'd say I already know/knew my strengths relatively well. I'm not a general downer who perceives that they have no strengths or nothing of worth to offer just because I can't get a relationship. It wouldn't be difficult for me to cite some qualities that I think would make me a good partner either. I'd like to think I'm fairly self-aware, but the point of my original post was to highlight the long-standing problems I've had to endure with romantic loneliness and the emotional turmoil I've experienced as a result. I'm not blind to my good qualities, but I didn't see where listing some of them would be helpful in this post, as I'm seeking advice and support. The only reason I got defensive was because you were basically accusing me of wishful complacency where I'm actually making efforts to improve some of the aspects in my life that I have control over, which may in turn improve my chances of finding a partner.

Even though I have plans and I'm moving towards certain goals, the complete absence of a romantic partner and history still gets me down fairly often. 10 years of a growing desire for a romantic partner without ever having a romantic partner is tough no matter how you spin it, and it's even tougher when romance is in your face everywhere you look, whether it be on the streets, on the tv or on social media.

You know how when you're a kid, you know you're going to grow up into an adult eventually, but at the same time, in the moment it kinda feels like it's never going to happen? Because all your life all you've ever experienced is being a kid and until you grow up it's impossible to fathom what being an adult could possibly be like. It's almost surreal to think you'll one day be an adult as a kid.

Well for someone who's wanted a relationship for so long and never had one, it's comparable in that all you've ever known is being single and struggling with romantic loneliness for years. Despite wanting one, the prospect of being in a relationship seems surreal and out of reach because it's so divorced from your reality and the entirety of the life you've lived. Logically, you know it's possible that you'll get a relationship in the future but because you've spent the entirety of your life without one, it's almost impossible to imagine that it's going to happen.

I think this is the big disconnect between those of us in the "no romantic history" predicament and those advising who've never experienced something similar. Those of us in the predicament essentially feel like there's no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel, because we've never experienced it and therefore can hardly fathom it even happening to us. To be honest with you the day I get my first girlfriend, I think my mind's going to go into shock. Complete and utter disbelief that it finally happened after all the years of unmet desire, all the loneliness, all the depression, that I would finally reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope that day happens, and the sooner, the better.

Start out by having lunch with people you know. Regularly.

Next, casually ask a lady friend if she'd join you for lunch.

After that seems comfortable, see if she would join you for drinks or a free concert, something low key.

NOTE: you still don't have a girlfriend. But you have some skills that will lead to that happening.

Contact me when you have mastered the three steps above, and we'll give you some other homework.

Okay well like I said before I have no close female friends and don't talk to any women on a regular basis at all (aside from family). The women I do know are more along the lines of friends of friends than my personal friends and I can't think of any woman I know who I've talked to personally in like the last 6 months who isn't in a relationship. I guess this is the problem.

I also work five days a week so 'regularly' would be only Saturday and Sunday and subject to my friends' availability.

I call BS on the lunch thing. One day a week at work, have lunch in or out with anyone, male or female. You're assuming everything I suggested was with women only. Not so.

But if you can't even achieve step 1 above, I can't help you. Your problems are not just with the ladies. You can't even achieve minimal social competence of a general nature. Have you stopped to consider that?

I have lunch with the guys at work (there are only guys at my work). There's no other way I can do it. I can't leave work to have lunch as I don't have a car and I only have a certain amount of time to have lunch. I'm not sure how else you think I'd be able to go about it.

[Color=firebrick]But if you can't even achieve step 1 above, I can't help you. Your problems are not just with the ladies. You can't even achieve minimal social competence of a general nature. Have you stopped to consider that?[/quote] No because it's not the case. I can have lunch with friends, contingent on mutual availability. They have their own lives and jobs too so we would need to be available at the same time. It's not like we're all doing nothing all day and can just meet up on a whim.

I was mentioning female friends because of your second step, not first. I don't have a "lady friend" of any nature to invite out anywhere, and I very much doubt that following your first step would change that, especially because it's unlikely with my own and other people's time constraints that we'll be able to meet up regularly for lunch.

To be honest my desire for platonic companionship is quite low, though I do see a friend or frjends about every couple of weeks. I think I'd have better odds trying to meet new people than what you suggest. I'm not uncomfortable talking to other people so I have no barriers to break down there. You seem to assume a lot about me and about my situation based on your rudimentary understanding of it.[/quote]

You're right.