Feeling lonely

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Na na Hey hurtloam

Yep, can certainly relate to this.

I don't let myself catch feelings for anyone unless romantic connotations have been explicitly established with the person I'm catching feelings for beforehand, and even then, I proceed with extreme caution. It always hurts finding out someone you like isn't interested in you, but making a rule that you restrict yourself from catching feelings for that person before you are sure they reciprocate your interest softens the blow a lot.

I think most important is to not allow feelings cloud your judgement. It is easy to see romantic interest when you really want to see it. And similarly very easy to ignore unwanted interest.

I am guilty of this too. I have asked out a girl for a romantic dinner even though I rationally knew she is not really interested in me. And at the same time I ignored another girl who was always more than friendly to me.

It's impossible to be sure though. They can be all flirty and invite you places and seem to be interested, but then nothing happens. It's happened to me a few times.

It's as though they hink that if they don't say explicitly, "we're dating," they can have a bit of fun and you're not allowed to be hurt because they never actually said with words that they were interested, even though their body language said it and other people thought they looked interested in you to.

body language can be misread. especially when u are autistic. and then, wanting to have a casual date and wanting to have a soul-deep connection can be different and the latter doesnt have to follow the former. and then, people and their priorities can change overtime, severing existing connections... its not like u are "not allowed" to feel bad, but u just have to set urself in a safe manner. like im going to have fun (if u are), and i know it can stop right there. and even if a relationship starts, we know it might be far from lifelong, too. i guess i am only now really recovering from what happened to my marriage over 4 years ago. its never about u being unlovable. its about a certain person (or 10, or 20) u met, having a different goal/not clicking with u/having other issues that really dont anyhow originate in u. yes, if u happen to meet quite several ppl in a sequence, who dont react the way u'd like them to, it starts feeling like something is wrong with u. we chose, we get chosen, more often than not, it doesnt coincide. 2way street, remember?

It wasn't just me reading his body language though. It was other people. He obviously likes someone. He's completely changed, gone from a quiet serious man to happy and bouncy.

This one seemed like a serious soul too in terms of serious relationship material.

I'm just so sick fed up of this. I always get hurt.

Even then. He hasn't actually rejected me. I'm just panicking. Thinking, I bet he actually likes someone else and it's not me.

I thought he began to be interested months ago, but he's still not actually "asked me out" as "girlfriend."

Then it's not too late yet and you have to ask him out.


What do you mean by interested?

It's not impossible to be sure at all. Them telling you in no uncertain terms that they're interested in you romantically is precisely what you wait for before you get your hopes up or catch feelings. Even then, you might still want to wait until you're actually in a relationship, but I wouldn't advise catching feelings any earlier, whether or not you and your friends interpret him to be interested because they/you perceive his body language or behaviour to be reflecting as much. Falsely believing that someone you like is interested in you, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, can be shattering if you end up being wrong, and my personal approach is to do what I can to minimise the chance that I get emotionally invested in a romantic prospect or relationship that has a reasonable chance of not manifesting the way I want, which means I'm guarded until such a time that there is an explicit mutual understanding that our interaction involves romantic connotations. I conduct myself in this way precisely because I don't wish to feel the full brunt of unrequited love that you seem to be feeling now.

Indeed, we can be biased when evaluating the possibility that someone we like is into us, and because we're actively looking for signs, sometimes we misinterpret social niceties or even just a glance in our general direction as an indication of interest. I certainly used to be like that in my mid teens. Even if we remove our own bias and have an outsider make their own judgements, even if the outsider sees reason to suspect that the person we like might share our interest, nobody can actually know until you get confirmation from the person you're interested in, and if you don't know for sure whether someone's interested in you or not, it's unwise to catch feelings.

Asking someone out that you probably don't have a chance with isn't necessarily a bad thing if you go into it being prepared to take a rejection should it happen that way, but if you're going in there expecting a yes or not being prepared for a no, you could be setting yourself up for a bad time.

I think lost chances stay in our heads just as long as rejections.

have had a lot of self-doubt like that in my life, its tormenting, nvm if its about romantic involvements or other social interactions. i mean, i relate. i have learned the hard way to put all my thoughts on hold before the other person indicates their intentions very clearly - i just treat every suspicion as a negative, unless proven otherwise. helps to conserve my emotional energy. yes, some ppl filter out before ever getting to know me, that way. but i dont consider that a loss. right sort of person breaks right through this defence, checked and affirmed
so well there are 2 possibilities. 1, he really likes somebody else, or is happy about something else. 2. he is in the same doubt as u are. not being able to predict ur reaction (and many men are very afraid of female's rejection. so afraid they'd rather not try, than risk it), he just doesnt invite u because u could say no. how to solve that possible problem? hell if i know, sorry. romantic relationships in my life start as total wildfire. and end the same way...

That's definitely a smart thing to do but how does one keep themselves from develobing feelings? For me it just... happens and can't be stopped.

My father once said that the key to happiness in life is to not lust after things you cannot earn or gain with hard work. As strange as it may seem, that advice applies with my attempts at getting a girlfriend. After failing tremendously in my youth, at a certain point in time I realized that I just do not have the social skills to be successful in that process. I cannot read people well enough overall. It was not a waste as I l learned that one does not always need another to became happy. I simply stopped caring about it and spent my time working on things I like to do (as in the advice). My level of happiness in my life increased dramatically once I put that search behind me.

Yes, it does suck sometimes that one has to be forever alone in life. I do my best to preoccupy my mind so that I do not dwell on it. As I age, it does seem to get easier to do.



HurtLoam - You are lovable, do not let yourself believe otherwise. It may not be what you want right now but someday you will find happiness. Based upon your previous posts, you have the social skills to succeed where I could not.

I am the same way. I have no control over how I feel about someone. If I start developing feelings for them it is beyond my control, it just happens because I like them so much and the closer I get, the better I know them which means I will either like or dislike what I know about them.

Years of experience taught me to always assume they aren’t interested and never get hope up. Hope is bad.

I tell myself it can’t happen and they’d never feel the same. I do wish there was an emotion killing drug like in that movie I watched. No one feels anything. No sad no happy no hurt etc. sounds wonderful