I don't think I even know what I want anymore

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Something I would like to say which may explain things on how I dated my last girlfriend. She has asperges. She is now married which I am thilled about because... Well. Let me explain.
She is a beautiful hearted lady. We met over the internet in an ordinary Christian chat site. I think I said something like "No one wants to be with me because I am thought of as odd..." Or something like that... She said "I would want to come and date you!" And that is what happened.
I think she came down here on holiday three times and I was able to show her around the area while we enjoyed each others company. The rest of the time it was via phonecalls and the internet.
Now for me I didn't get as close as I wanted to because I was scared. My first GF and I were very close. While I was saving sex for marriage, I was very close.. As close as one can get without sex if that makes sense. The second date above I was scared, as the way the first date ended I was very hurt and suicidal because for months I blamed myself. I never knew until after that she had been dating others at the same time and went off with one of them. (Months later I found this out). I was trying to relive every moment in my mind assuming I had hurt her in some way and could not fathom out where!
So I was far more reserved with the second girlfriend which suited her as she didn't like too much hugging etc, though when she got used to me she did want hugs etc. But that is as close as it got. She isa beautiful kind hearted lady. The issue I had was that I could so easily have taken things further, but it was like I was dating someone who wasn't for me in that she was meant for another man (If that makes sense?). Also after mucn prayer I got the answer confirming this. As she was also a Christian (How we met) I was thinking of ways to tell her. We were also the bestest of friends, and no way did I want to destroy our friendship. I was struggling with this foe about three or four days and she could tell something was up I believe. She said directly (She often asked me this directly which had been a little anoying as before I was "Of corse I love you (Which was the truth)") "Do you love me?" I just couldn't say a word. I did (And actually do still) love her but how can I tell her she is not the rihht one for me? That was the most difficult phone call! I told her the exact words the Lord had spoken to me which were about a choice I had to make (Which I can't go into but it effects my future) and that was that.
I tried to stay friends but it was a bit too hurtful for her... Maybe in the future we can chat again hopefully. She asked me to stop contacting her. I wanted to make sure she was ok etc. I am a very "Off" or "On" sort of person in this way if that makes sense so when she said that I assumed she meant forever, so I deleted all the phone numbers I had for her on my phone and my Mums phone and deleted the address I had for her. My Mum still has her details somewhere I believe. But sadly I take things too literally.

But I write this to say that dating is something to get to know each other... And you may find 80 or 90 percent of dates lead no where. You only need to find just the right gentleman for you and then you just wait! Nothing will stop that person loving you, or you from loving him! Ok? It is just about looking and finding the right man (Or in my case woman!)

So do not be scared to date. Take things slowly. Become friends first and take things from there.
It maybe nice for the man who you used to date to just writs a note to ask how he is doing. Just to say you appreciated his friendship. It re-assures him that you are ok so he can have peace of mind. (As if he is like me, nothing more would hurt me but to have someone break all contact as in my mind I would be blaming myself. Communication is never easy especially if dating has ended, but just a little something puts ones mind at ease. It is not to say you are interested in dating him again. It is just to part on good terms and remain friends, so if you two should ever meet in future years you won't be avoiding each other like I have done with the first girlfriend I met!)

I'll keep an eye on this thread.

Sleep helped me, btw.
Many things get sorted out through dreams.
I believe that is how it "supposedly" works.
Well, it did for me.

You are a Christian, right? Have you prayed to God or Jesus and asked them to help you?

Hurtloam or me? For me I believe it is a matter of waiting.

Hurtloam.

Waiting is a terrible idea.

Nothing I can do. Without a change in my life, I can't move forward so I wait.

Of course.

I totally agree. I'm not a passive person.
I'd rather try and and up getting hurt than not try at all.

I know too many people who just wait and they're alone.

There must be Christian dating sites. I'd never use them, even though I, too, am a Christian, but if you're as motivated as you seem to be, why not? I'd bet the men on those sorts of sites are typically more serious.

I am only waiting as I want to move to a different area. I could date down here... Ummm.

Are Christian dating sites expensive? Do they work?

Probably; probably not.

Haha. You are funny!

I once tried a free one for a short time but no one talked on it so I left the site. I was persuaded to join by someone from a Christian site I was on who had decided to find himself a wife. Not sure if he did or not.

I dont know if anyone has mentioned this yet. I dont have time to read the whole thread. But what you could do is ask people that know you closely, what they think you are doing wrong. ( If indeed you are doing anything wrong at all) Couldnt you even go so far as to ask the guy you dated what wasnt good enough? I think this is such a good idea, that Im going to try it myself. Why the hell havent I picked up a guy yet? I even tried plenty of fish for a while, but couldnt find any matches. Hopefully Im not too fussy.

Is a good idea. I would like to help but I can't as I do not know any of you personally. I have not watched any of you react. I have not seen how you dress or what you look like etc.. But one thing I will say is I have noticed Hurtloams posts and from them I percieve she is a kind hearted and genuine sounding person. Sarahsmith. You seem pretty cool as well.
I am not a good one to give advice as I maybe am not a good example. Only two proper girlfriends in my life so far and both asked me out. I did try asking girls out when younger but I don't know what I was getting wrong... Each time was a disaster whpith threats of calling the police etc.. I just don't know to this day why as I am always polite and never say anything hurtful or rude etc to them. So after about asking 15 girls out in my life (I'm now passed my mid 40's) I gave up a long time ago in doing the asking! For some reason I just missread situations big style! (So I'm still single and never have been married).
But back to you and Hurtloam...
If I can find a certain Youtube link I watched it may really help you both. If I find it I will give the link.