I am a MESS

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Thanks, to all, and yes Kortie, being there is hugely important.

Today I had a difficult root canal, the second of three appointments to get all the root out. Have had a headache all day. But I do love the nitrous. High on nitrous, my problems seem far away. Unfortunately, the nitrous and novocaine wear off and I have had a headache all afternoon.

Here is what I am doing or trying to do:

1) I am NOT listening to NPR to hear all the latest on my country's follies. It is like watching a slow train wreck.
2) I have extracted my laptop from UPS.
3) Got my meds
4) I am letting my office assistant field my calls. And only dealing with the real crises, and no real crises today.

I still feel exhausted and unable to think or enjoy anything. I did manage a smile at some orchids.

There is no question this did not come on suddenly. I have just taken on too much and keep working trying to meet expectations of others (clients, almost always client mothers) and my own. I've gotten tougher, but apparently not tough enough.

I did work in the garden over the weekend. About two or maybe three years I stopped working weekends and started living ordinary weekends. But with the pileup of work, I tried working through two weekends ago and that may have been the last straw. I thought I was fine....

I am delegating quite a bit. I have three people I can assign other tasks to, but each has their limitations be it other commitments or lack of credentials. I am the owner/boss/leader. There is nobody above to discuss it with. I am responsible to the Agency for Persons with Disabilities and they can be annoyed with me and give me a black mark in their files and even revoke my credentials, but they hardly do that even for gross misconduct; I just don't want to listen to them whining.

I have decided I have to reduce the number of clients I am responsible for. Some clients live long distances away. Some are demanding. Some I feel a sense of obligation since I have been with them for so long; some as long as 20 years. Some are wonderful. It goes against my nature to choose based on my needs, but that seems to be where I am and I need to accept that and move forward.

I am eligible for social security, but if I am working part-time, or if my husband is still working (he is younger) then SSDI is taxed. I am reluctant, but will if necessary. My husband and I need to sit down and figure out finances.

I do not know how to explain to him how difficult it for me to continue working. Of course I have told him and we have batted some ideas about. But I don't know how to explain how miserable and exhausted I am inside? I don't cry easily; haven't in years.

I do much better when I have a list...but then the list gets longer and longer and longer... and then the telephone rings....

I do appreciate the suggestions and I don't take any of them as critical. Suggestions are just that, suggestions. And I always need to be reminded of things. What I have done or not done. And B19 is right. I do not have a support network. Over time, even when I have cultivated a support network, I found it rarely works both ways and when I need help, no one is there. So I have learned, for the most part, to tackle whatever it is, on my own.

So, suggest away! thanks for the hugs and the caring! You all are the best.

^ I realize this is way to long to expect anyone to read. But it does help me organize my thoughts.

And the bit about no one ever being there to help me just isn't true. I am sorry I said that. I don't have consistent sources of support, but there have been many over the years who have stepped up and provided invaluable help.

We will be your support group while your energies charge up for as long as you want.

(((Blazing Star)))

For what it's worth, it sounds like you've done pretty well at juggling all these responsibilities. I hope you get your second wind to tackle what needs doing immediately and then just write a note in the morning and a note in the evening from your back log pile.

I hope your tooth is feeling okay and that you can get a decent night's sleep. Wish I could help you catch up on your charting, I would.

Would it be easier for you to write to him? Or just show him this thread?

Keep posting here if it helps a little.

Hugs

I read it whole but I can't give any useful suggestions. I struggle with such things horribly and I admire you for managing!

Glad you can delegate some of the work BlazingStar, I hope it will give you the space to decompress and ward off more burn out.
Through your words you've helped me in the past, any support I could give to you as I'm in a fairly good place is gladly given.

Time perhaps to direct some of the loving energy you give to others so generously to yourself as you reclaim peace. What do you need right now from us Blazing Star?

So, this morning I felt pretty good. I made myself a list (deliberately short) and I also took care of two of the PNs, with the plan to do two more each morning and night. This is not the way I usually work, but I obviously need to do something different and so am doing it.

I did listen to NPR for about an hour this morning. I have gone three days without it. It is intimately tied in with getting started on my day and decided it was better to start my day, than avoid listening. But then turned it off and it has been off.

I got some of the things done on my list:
1) paid estimated taxes and ready to mail tomorrow
2) watered the plants.

Then things got a little looser, but still productive. Laundry. Dishwasher. Strain stock.

But then things started to deteriorate: My anxiety was really high and I ate a half box of cookies. For me, this is like drinking too much. Almost immediately I start to feel better. I read a book on the back porch. I moved laundry along. I read in bed and took a nap. But in the middle of my nap, I heard footsteps outside my house, close by. I thought I heard voices. Nobody should be back in the woods where I live. I work up with a start. I couldn't figure out why the dogs weren't barking. I had to find my glasses. Looked around. Then realized what I heard was one of the dogs chewing on a chew toy. But meanwhile, adrenaline has flooded my body and I'm just lying there with my heart flopping around. Eventually I calm down.

I have been using my office manager to field calls and I do have people that are not happy with me. My first reaction is to attend to whatever they want right away and apologize, etc., etc. Actually, I'd rather have them fire me. But the pressure to respond is great.

Then I remember there is something I have to do regarding a client appointment. The dad needs the date and time of an appointment I made for his son to see a neurologist. I can't find the information. I can't even remember the name of the doctor. I can't find it in the files, I can't find it in my notebook. Eventually I find a loose piece of paper with a reference to the appointment, but not enough information to find the details. Still, between my rough notes and google, I can figure out who it (probably is) and call and confirm the appointment and then call dad and give him the information.

This is an ordinary piece of business, but I am panic stricken through the whole process. I can hardly get out my words. My heart is going thump, thump. I decide I will write this down and post it to get a handle on it.

So, thanks again for the new posts. B19, what do I want from you all? I am so grateful for the people who have responded so caringly.

I think first to listen so I have some place where I can express myself as I really am and not with a mask. No one really understands what goes on inside of me, because even when I am in crisis for the most part I seem cool and collected, or at worst, isolating and crabby. (I did some terrible things when much younger, but I don't do those anymore.) I believe I can tell you all how panicky I feel without being judged as incompetent.

Suggestions and hugs are always welcome.

Just for today (suggestion): Don't Blame Or Shame Yourself For Anything.

If your self shaming inner voice starts up, turn it off. Either by telling it "I'm not listening to you today" or by picturing in your mind that is it broadcasting over a radio, and you go straight to the radio and TURN IT OFF. (You can tell if to F off and Shut the F Up too if you like). Your power belongs to you not the inner voice.

((((((((((((((((you)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

^ Good idea. I will work on that for the rest of this evening and tomorrow. I am good at doing small assignments.

You seem like such a caring person to help so many clients. I hope you can get some relief and be able to take care of yourself too.

Practicing this last night and discovered, ruely, that almost all my mind talk now is a running commentary on my failures, mostly small ones...laundry isn't done and I can never get the laundry done...This still needs to be done and I never get to it, or what good is working on that, if I haven't learned it by 66, I never will...

I had no awareness of that descent. It is not typical of me now, though I recognize it from years ago.

My running thoughts are so negative at times I just have to say Good, good, good, good...over and over.

Today I have a doctor appointment and will meet with my right-hand woman to prepare a plan for moving forward with the business.

Thank you all again. Everyone. The help is invaluable whether hugs or suggestions.

Back to some other tasks: make a list, write a note, no NPR. No bad talk. .... Got it.

You can do it, one step at a time.

I have gotten through the day pretty well. I am tired but no longer panicky or at the bottom.

I saw my primary doctor and she is pretty happy with how I am managing my various chronic illnesses.

I spent the afternoon with my right-hand woman and to my great relief, she has a fall back position if we get put out of business and she will get started part time on it so that she is ready to get going on it if the State really ends everything.

Also, she pointed out that our legislative session ends on March 13, which means we will have about 3 months notice of the transition if it in fact goes through. That will be enough time for my office assistant to find something else.

Meanwhile, I am delegating more because everyone wants to earn as much money as they can before they lose their employment. So, I should be okay. I'll start working with clients again tomorrow and go back to full schedule on Monday.

So, thank you: Kortie, B19, Amity, jimmy, AB, Isabella, BenderRodriguez, Magz, Persephone, Darkwaver. I couldn't ask for a better support team.

You are doing the healing work and doing it very well. Give yourself credit today for all the very many things you do well. If you feel like it, add a total relaxation session to release any stored stress in your muscles. If a full body one is too much at the moment, here is a great one to do in five seconds that releases stress stored in the shoulders:

clasp your hands at the back of your head just above your neck
then simultaneously press your head back and your hands forward (so there is no movement back or forward)
hold for as long as comfortable - even 5 seconds is ok
release the hold
you will notice the relaxation in your shoulders immediately

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