Getting rejected by other aspies

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The "too loud" warning makes sense, if one of the group's aims is to accommodate people who are sensitive to loud sounds.


How creepy it is would depend on the overall context, including the specific nature of the person's disability.

But I can see how it would be triggering to someone who has been traumatized by sexual abuse and/or stalking.

Anyhow, back to Summer_Twilight's observation about one group: "They preach about acceptance and inclusion when it boils down to things, they are very picky."

The basic problem here is that we, as autistic people, don't all have the same needs -- and the needs of some of us conflict with the needs of other autistic people. This makes it a huge challenge for a group to accommodate everyone and to create a space where everyone feels both included and safe. Indeed it's probably not possible for any one group, especially a small group, to accommodate everyone.

This is one of the many reasons why having just one or two groups per city is not enough. We need lots and lots of small groups, each with their own rules.

This still doesn't excuse sudden, arbitrary expulsions of people for breaking unwritten rules.

But it needs to be understood that any alternative to such sudden, arbitrary expulsions requires work and effort on the part of the leaders. It is not possible, especially in a group's early phases, to have a set of explicit rules that anticipates every possible behavior that could potentially make other members feel uncomfortable enough to leave the group.

The reason why leaders sometimes resort to sudden arbitrary expulsions is not because the leaders intend to be a$$holes, but because they are afraid of losing too many of their other members. In particular, if a group wants to retain women members and not have an extremely lopsided male-to-female ratio, then it needs, somehow, to avoid having men around who behave in ways that frighten or otherwise repel women. (There are also ways that women can behave that may repel other members, too.)

So, as an alternative to sudden arbitrary expulsions, leaders need to be trained (or train themselves) in how to gently confront members about their behavior. Even with such training, doing this requires work and effort on the part of the leaders. But I think it's very important.

More generally, I think it's very important that leaders be trained (or train themselves) in conflict resolution skills.

It's also desirable for groups to train their members in what I call autistic-friendly social skills, including autistic-friendly variants of assertiveness, active listening, and responding gracefully to criticism.

I agree with you on the being too loud, that said, especially for autistics. That said, the leaders of this group take everything to the extreme. The people who run this group are very controlling and tend to create drama. There is also very poor communication. Rather than letting the members communicate, everything is "He said, she said," etc. and it's always done by the leader.

As for my friend getting that warning last year, the leader of that group seemed to bring it up to my friend out of the blue. He didn't seem to have a problem with him before.

I have another thing to add to this thread, as I said, there is an autism support group in my area that kicks members out for the silliest reasons.

I found out that I got kicked out of that group and the leader of the group can't seem to keep his story straight. He told one story to another person about how I am too controlling, which is going around. When I called him out, he said I got kicked out because other members were accusing me of harassing them, which I did not do either of.


As much as it hurt, that group is not the best fit for me as most of the members are in their early 20's and I am almost 40. I told him that straight up that it's ok and I have too many other things and other people in my life away from that group anyway. Besides the leader of the group is so full of himself it's not funny.

Actually, I left that group because there were some other internal issues going on and so I decided that it was not worth it.

Decidedly Facebook is a rather bias and unfortunate place to have to hang out . Cliques of people do not necessarily make for good social media . If not everyone is required to present identification , then no one should be required.
Am very sorry you had that experience dorkseid, but Facebook for people with social issues , is probably not a good place to be . Besides when I was on there, had every kind of friend suggestions , that you could imagine . Many people from foreign countries . That there was no connection with . And in order to get any posting from people I wished to associate with, had to go through hundreds of friend requests each day . It was a waste of my time, sorting email is enough for me .

I wonder if all those people really complained, or if the Admin himself was triggered and hid behind his position of authority. They'll often do that, apply rules arbitrarily. Claim it's policy. Then tell you that you don't belong and should leave the group over one infraction (which wasn't even spelled out).

Like snowflakes falling in cornfields.

Can’t help but wonder about people in the admin roles on Facebook.

This forum is as close to an ASD "group " as I get.

Just my kids and I spread out in the spectrum. My daughter is just enough affected to have some issues in relationships and work . We all 4 share sensory sensitivity, migraines, OCD, overachieving perfectionism, phobias, twitchy habitual pattern behaviors for self calming and reluctant eye contact. My older son is self contained and hates humans in general, he was accepted to MIT but EQ is like -6. He had high stimming behaviors til in his teens.
My youngest veers wildly from the rest of us who would have been called as Asperger's in DXs pre 90s. He was late onset. Went from bi-lingual to non verbal, is the second most notorious for body rocking, head banging, hair pulling, picking except me.
He is also the most sarcastic of us.. (should I be glad he doesnt SAY it?) and most sensitive to sound (*HATES if even I am humming or whistling while doing chores ;_; . Doesn't like whiney cats or kids, despises barking dogs and ATVs but.. likes Disturbed <_<) and touch (prefers silky velvety fabric the most. Will rip his face off in sleep if a stubble, zit or bite is on skin).

Granted I am not one that usually cares about rejection in most scenarios. Realizing I'm excluded is already a little hard for me to catch to start.. so they gotta be out there. Sometimes if feeling falsely accused I might get dramatic but most the time I am more like FU , turn and leave..forever. No matter who they were. Not a word, not a note, not a thought further. And I am not likely to reject am acquaintance since it is a process before I consider them a friend of any kind to start. They have to be pretty toxic level above a difference in opinion or habit or religion for me to reject from my end.

GingerPickles -
I am the same way when it comes to rejection. For me, I reject someone if
1. The other person(s) is/are continuing to step over my boundaries
2. If I find out that a person lies all the time
3. If the situation is one-sided
4. If people, who barely know me make assumptions
5. If a person is controlling or manipulative

As for being rejected by other people and groups it still hurts but I am getting to the point now that I have discovered when a person rejects me, it's most not likely not about me. People often reject me out of jumping to conclusions about me.
1. For example, they don't know how to accept me or talk to me

Om Nom hugs