Not being able to make friends is frightening me

Post Reply New Topic

Well I say f**k em Jo. If they're treating you as if they're too f*****g good for you then it's probably that you are too good for them.

You've gotta ask yourself if you really want these people as part of your social group. Take control in the matter.

I've always been really immature for my age. Sometimes I'll go through phases where I just can't be bothered with the people around me because I don't actually like them and it's clear that setting is no good for me and sometimes I'll go somewhere and I absolutely get on with everyone and I get invited out and I'm more than happy to be involved.

Most if the time it's not actually you that is the problem but the setting.

You'll get there Jo. You're a fighter and even though you might be going through a rough time in your personal life now you will get through this. I promise.

It becomes difficult, but not impossible. One has to look in the right places. That's one of the reasons why I suggested an ADHD support group. People who join support groups, at whatever age, are more likely than the average person to be looking for friends.

A lot of people stay in touch with some friends (or at least one or two) from school. I haven't got any friends from school. I have a couple of friends from school on Facebook, I've had them on there for ages, but they're just getting on with their lives and it's awkward to just message them asking to meet up with me. To them at school I was the annoying girl that ''followed them around'', so that's all they probably remember me as.

I don't think it gets impossible to make new friends after 30. People get less shallow as they get older and most realise that there's more ways to have fun in life other than getting drunk at a club every week-end. Some people realise they can't drink much at all as they get older. Also my mum made new friends when she was in her 40s, when she started a new job. She's still friends with them today, nearly 14 years later.

I just get ashamed of myself, because I don't really lack the basic social skills you need to attract people. I think I sometimes lack some general or factual knowledge that you need when having a conversation sometimes. For example if people are talking about travel, I get confused because my geographical knowledge isn't very good so all I can do is listen, where as other NTs know how to discuss stuff and share their experiences. I'm not very good at that. I'm better at talking about my feelings and joining in gossip about people, which you'd think would land me quite a lot of female friends, but it seems that NTs mostly like to discuss things. A lot of people on here would disagree with that, as most Aspies think NTs only talk about emotions, people and sports, but I hardly ever hear NTs talk about sports. I find women more interesting than men, because they talk about stuff I like, like their feelings and fashion and shopping and people and family, but I seem to make friends with guys better even though I often find their interests boring, as they often talk about driving and cars in my experience. My boyfriend is quite interesting though, although once he gets on the topic about history, you can't always get him to stop (and he's NT). I like some history, depending on what it is. I don't know much about history.

So there must just be a ''loose connection'' somewhere when it comes to me trying to make friends with other females.

I might write out some little comic strips to explain in pictures how making friends seems strangely impossible to me. I will post them here.

Quasi = Seemingly; apparently but not really.

To Joe90: Please see my posts here, here, and here on the previous page -- I suspect you might have missed them.

Two reasons why:
- Your social skills
- It's hard to become friends with anyone with no mutual friends.

And yes, most people retain some friends from school/college and stop at that.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 29 Sep 2021, 11:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am going through the process of getting evaluated for ADHD. I've filled out an ADHD assessment form that I got sent from the doctor, and I handed it in yesterday so I'm not sure what will happen next so I'll just have to wait.

It's just I don't think I was misdiagnosed with Asperger's. I'm hoping that I was, but that's just wishful thinking. I read that females display symptoms differently, and that we learn to mask and all of that. You see, with masking, I'm not really sure I do it or not. I'm my true self around my boyfriend but he doesn't know about Asperger's at all. I don't feel I have to force myself to communicate or express feelings. The only time I mask is when I'm feeling depressed and I've got to pretend to be happy, but that's how it is for all people with depression. Otherwise I'm naturally quite sociable; at work I like to get my work done as quickly as I can so that I can have time to sit with my colleagues and chat, and it doesn't mentally exhaust me.
Things what do mentally exhaust me are getting organised, thinking systematically, remembering things, stuff like that. It's the reason I don't often do overtime at work, because at work you have to be productive and organised and do what you're told, and as much as I enjoy my work I can still get bored with the repetitiveness and I like my days off to break the monotony of routine.

So why not seek out, as potential friends, people who are "a little odd, or have learning difficulties, ADHD, etc"?

Most people (especially most women, I think) find it easiest to relate emotionally to people who are like themselves in as many ways as possible.

Also, it sounds like you want an emotionally intimate friendship (in which people talk about things like feelings and relationships) without some of the intermediate steps it takes for most people to get there (e.g. talk about things like travel). Therefore, it seems to me that the best setting for you to make friends in would be one in which people already have a head start on talking about emotionally intimate stuff, e.g. a support group. That's one of the reasons why I suggested that you seek out a local ADHD support group.

Also: If you are trying to make friends at work, most people are likely to be even slower about opening up emotionally to co-workers than to anyone else, to avoid repercussions on the job if things go haywire. Hence friendly conversations on the job are inevitably likely, even more so than conversations elsewhere, to feature the kinds of non-personal topics you have difficulty contributing to. So, it seems to me that you probably shouldn't be trying to make friends at work, except perhaps with the occasional oddball.

Hmmm, I think this depends on where you live.

If you live in the kind of place where nearly everyone has lived there for their entire life, then the above is probably true.

On the other hand, if you live in the kind of city or town where there are always new people moving in, and other people moving out, then there will always be some people with a need/desire to make new friends. Even in the latter kind of place, cliquishness can be a big problem, but probably less of a problem.

Every human interaction is part rational on the surface, part emotional - usually hidden. It might sound sexist, but NT males have this ratio or rational/emotional at about 60/40 and NT females at 40/60. People on the spectrum are usually super-rational, at about 80/20. So it might explain why you get along with guys better than with other females.

But overall, what makes a strong friendship is a strong bond on emotional level. In every conversation humans throw invisible ball of emotional payload with virtually everything they say or do, people who catch this ball and throw it back to each other become friends. People on the spectrum just drop this ball when it's not explicit, part of verbal message. That's why it's easier for us to maintain friendly relationships when subject matter or common interests are a major part of communication, like professional environments, narrow interest groups, but when these relationships lack emotional foundation, they fade away when this environment is gone.

This is what I struggle with, but it is much easier when you learn to express genuine interest in others, trying to consider their feelings and true motives. I managed to get in touch with some old friends back from university and have some new friends with whom we stay in touch and help each other even when we don't have common projects, interests and hobbies and stuff.

I'm not exactly rational at the best of times. I think what my problem is with making friends is that I find it difficult to not be too needy but not be too aloof. When I was younger I was on the needy side, which made people think I'm annoying or nosy. Because of a fear of social rejection, I think nowadays I focus so much on not coming across as too needy so I unintentionally come across as aloof instead. Guys are less shallow than a lot of NT women so they're easier to approach and make friends with.

I think I will look into any support groups or clubs for people with things like ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc. I have tried it before, during my teens. One of them was a befriending club for teenagers with disabilities, but I didn't fit in there because most of the members were non-verbal or severely affected by their condition (learning disabilities or autism or downs syndrome). I found it easier to chat with the volunteers (who were NTs). They were nice and not judgemental, but I don't think they were there to actually make friends with the disabled members, they were just there to organise the activities and supervise and stuff. I found I wasn't really getting anywhere going there, so I left.
Then I joined a college course for teenagers with things like dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD, things like that, and I did fit in more there - although some of the kids were a bit immature and could bully. But joining adult groups will most likely be different and more mature people.


It seems that it depends on what mood I'm in. When I'm feeling depressed and low, I feel isolated and I feel that people don't like me or I dwell on all the people in the past who have hurt me. When I'm not feeling so down, I feel less lonely and I feel that I do have friends out there. But usually for me friends come and go. I still stayed in touch with one or two people from college, but I'm not so close to them as I once was. I find social media doesn't always keep you in touch with your old friends.

Trouble is, making friends with your colleagues at work seems the easiest way to make friends because you see them every day. I think if you have colleagues that you click with it's OK. I do click with a couple of my colleagues, although they have wives and children but I feel I can trust them and they often let me "in", if you know what I mean.

Guys are not less shallow. That's my point, we just don't see what's under the surface of verbal speech that's why what NT women talk about feels shallow.

Do any of these help?

Reading minds through body language - Lynne Franklin - TEDxNaperville


The Science of Flirting: Being a H.O.T. A.P.E. - Jean Smith - TEDxLSHTM


How to Have a Good Conversation - Celeste Headlee - TEDxCreativeCoast

I don't know all the things going on but I am just putting together this post with previous posts you have made about the challenges you have with moving in NT circles despite your adeptness for understanding NTs.

You are dating an NT man. Have you tried talking to him about this issue? have you observed how he makes friends with other NTs? is there anything to learn there?

Is your adeptness based only on mimicking social behaviours? how much do you rely on templating? one danger of over-relying on mimicking social cues is that over time NT people start to notice. They wont necessarily suspect autism (I've said before, this is not something most NTs are familiar with) but they might (after some time) think somethings off?

One thing I try to teach my daughter (with somewhat varying degrees of success) is to i) be reserved and ii) actively listen to NT teens her age. Being reserved is being polite/greet people but suppress the urge to share/blurt out what you are thinking/ask questions until the people are comfortable with you around and even then limit what you say. There is a risk people might find you boring but at least you will be genuine and provide less ammunition for the other person to judge you. This is a good starting point to then develop rapport over time. Ironically this might also help aspie guys when they are engaging with girls for the first time.

Friends can be very hard to find even more rare to keep them . Sometimes friend issues seem altogether hopeless