I feel depressed and suicidal. I dont want to live anymore

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^^^please don't go.

Dont worry I almost commit suicide, but an epiphany of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life and not wanting to harm my parents forced me to reconsider suicide and abandon it as something I feel too morally against to ever do.

Dont worry I almost commit suicide, but an epiphany of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life and not wanting to harm my parents forced me to reconsider suicide and abandon it as something I feel too morally against to ever do.

I dont know where else to reach out for support since I have no friends in real life or online, no siblings to talk to, no one I can honestly reach out to.

My depression is so bad and severe im struggling to even write this message out given how empty and meaningless it feels to do anything but Im mustering whatever energy I have to reach out because being Autistic and a loser in real life I struggle to have anyone in my own life who will even notice me, let alone care about me

I feel broken and miserable. Very broken and miserable. I dont want to live anymore. I've attempted suicide many times this year, have been hospitalized more times than I can count, and have tried many different types of medication more times than I can count only to suffer worse side effects on the medication, get off the medication, and then go back to feeling miserable. The last time I was on medication was last week, which I got off of because the sleep insomnia and hellish nightmares became soooooo bad I just couldn't tolerate it anymore and had to quit it to survive.

Since getting off the meds ive stopped having sleep insomnia, but ive gone the other extreme because all I do is sleep everyday. ive become so depressed lately I struggle to get out of bed, struggle to leave my room, and its become so bad that ive been laid off my job from collapsing at work due to mental health induced lethargy and fatigue. I've even stopped eating and taking care of myself from how sad I feel

I genuinely feel traumatized, empty and broken from all of my insecurities, depression and the toll its taken on me.

Im friendless, socially awkward, ugly, but unlike other Aspies who compensate in other ways I struggle to. I have a learning disability, dyslexia, and ive failed college so many times even with a million extensions and special accommodations I barely managed to even finish 1 class, that I repeated 3 times, despite how nice my professor was and how I wasn't even working during the semester. 1 class that I attempted for the 3rd time did I barely just pass even when I had everything in my favor to pass this easy class

being bad at everything, having no friends, being ugly, and being unable to read properly due to dyslexia (I use a voice command software to even write this message and to read messages BTW, and even my favorite books like JK Rowling there were days when I struggled to read them so I had to use audio) its tortured me mentally and when I couldn't take it anymore ive tried suicide, but either flinched or failed. I would then go to the hospital, feel even more miserable there, leave, and repeat

Truth be told I have no energy to attempt suicide this week, nor do I have the means to anymore since emergency services in my area took away my rope after last attempt, however even without any means of attempting suicide I genuinely feel miserable and depressed existing and wish I could belong or fit in somewhere.

I dont know if ill even fit in here, but I dont know what else to do