What’s on your mind? The Haven version.

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So I also have ear mites from my kitten.
Yup, you heard it here.

Then I took my mother to the doctor.
She pointed out I have a malignant-looking thing on my skin.
She wrote me an urgent referral to Derm.
Normally she just burns them off but this was more serious.

It's not like my mother, father, and brother all had/have skin cancer.

More fun and games for Miss Iss.

I've finally got to the other side of this crisis I've been having lately. Existential dread has been clouding my thought for days and I can finally move on. Good. The rut I was stuck in was starting to be bothersome.

I swear my brain fights itself for no reason sometimes. It's nice for it to just be calm again.

Nice thread TP

It's a pity you can't buy hopefulness in a jar

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I’ve been in a great mood.

Being lonely when with other people is a bitter pain.

I used to mistake a lot of things for fear.
I tried to contemplate if that's the reason why I held myself back.

Turns out; I am actually angry, half of which underneath is that I was sad.or frustrated, I easily get really sick and tired or stressed, I get stuck, I get depressed, in pain, ashamed and guilty, negative, suspicious, cynical, etc...


But worried? Helpless?
I'm more likely worried for others over what I do than whatever anything else would do to me.

Fear is far from any emotions I could've denied, just like disdain, boredom and pride.

I even deny happiness and pleasure than whatever emotions that most people may respond negatively over.

I looked at other autistics; they're mostly anxious or alexithymic (in a pseudo-quasi fearless states or both). I cannot relate.

I looked at allistics; even they're worried one way or another.
Most of which is their livelihood, their reputation, their so called normal lives, etc...
I cannot relate.

Am I a sour grape and declared that I'm not interested in any of these, denying the fear of rejection, missing out, loneliness, being left out, even getting persecuted or being a human?

Turns out -- no.
And my ego is big.

I thought because I'm being passive, that I don't do enough meaning I'm afraid...
Turns out I'm just tired or depressed or simply disinterested.

Bigger ego and pride, yet that doesn't mean my reach is just as big, that my power is just as big, that the weight that I can carry is just as big.

And even baffled; why is excitement rare? There's liking thrills and the adrenaline, but...
Why is positive fear rarer still?

So -- maybe, my standards; surely it's founded by some sort of worry.
Turns out it's really just pride and ego, not fear of mistakes, rejection, or whatnot.


What else did I tried to see underneath my negativity as a fear response or my positivity as a form of delusion to deny fear?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Not that I'm fearless.


I get afraid at some point for like... I don't know? Twice? Up to, like, 5 times a year???

Whenever I feel fear... I get somewhat existential and debate things in my head; should I gamble this?

And what held me back more was simply being overwhelmed by stress and dysregulation than fear.

I over think, but there isn't a hint of worry...
At worst, I can imagine scenarios where someone might die or something -- but these thoughts just never lingers.

Most of my what ifs could range from me looking cool with comebacks and impossible skills or preparation, to others doing the same.


So...
.....

I don't understand.
I worry more about what those I hold dear would react, wishing I'm not so attached.

I'm not even afraid of losing someone, getting hurt because of it...
But it is still another major change to adjust to.

Most people are afraid of change.
Autistics more so in some way or the other.



So why am I still not living to my fullest if fear isn't my problem?

Yes, I'm tired.
Yes, I'm limited.

But I'm frustrated.

I could just walk out of the current job I'm doing right now, walk into the bank, withdraw my entire savings and buy a one way ticket on the next island with nothing but my clothes on my back and virtually disappear until an entire city would be looking for me and I might just giggle.

So why am I not just do that?
Because it's a lot of work. But is that really it?

I'm attached.
To my savings. To the place where I know where is where. To the people who knew me. To my ideas of where I want to be in life.

Despite not being afraid of losing.
It is still an adjustment. It is still work. It is still effort.

Perhaps that's my problem? Too attached?

PDA Profile?? Nah. This is 'human fundamental level', not an ND inclination...

Even neurotypicals are THAT 'avoidant' (and would say no to such scenario) to such degree of abrupt change because of the same worries, of familiarity and are usually accompanied with whatever they're attached to.


But yeah.
I'm too attached.
And "lazy". Good excuse.

Am I saying it like that because I'm telling the truth or saying it like that because I should 'snap out of it' like someone with depression should choose to be happy or some shite.

I didn't exactly choose to 'fear-less-than-average'; even with horror movies and scenarios that did triggered me fear based reactions.

So...

What else I could've mistook for fear other than everything I've known?

The subconscious?
Maybe I'm subconsciously afraid.
But what of?

Other than a component of common sense and self preservation like getting chased by some rabid dog or possibly falling off a great height; because I am not fearless...

How I wish I know what those deep fears are.



I got triggered once; it was recent.

I thought it's because; I resonated with the scenario of getting stuck in a place where I cannot move and rescue myself, and everyone can't do anything.

About 3 nights, I dealt with anxiety.

Turns out, I'm grieving for those people in such scenarios. It's not even about me. WTF LOL.
Underneath those disrupted few nights is denied sympathy and grief???

Cried for them that they never get to see their families, died in a painful manner, assured that they all rest in peace and in another world that tragedy never happened.

Then the anxiety disappeared.

The how heck does this work?!?!?!
That I'm more 'traumatized' with sadness than fear itself?!?!

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I've been so exhausted with chronic fatigue (ME/CFS) and my sleep has been so crazily irregular that I worry I will be a burden to my partner.

I'm at the feeling-sorry-for-myself stage, at least a bit. I wonder if it's common for people with a history of extreme abuse and trauma to want to be kind to themselves, and pamper themselves with things that bring them joy - assuming those things are safe and affordable etc - especially when they're retired and encouraged to live their best life.

What happens when you define those things, you want those things, and you're in arms-reach of those things, but other people say it's wrong and irresponsible and you can't do it because it cramps THEIR style rather than your own?

Whose mental health comes first?

I hate this adulting thing.

The more time I spend on my own the more selfish I get about it. I've been alone a lot this week, today I can't be and all I want is to be alone. That's not very nice is it?

"I am not a young adult anymore".

I decided that's the case not because I'm getting frailer in health and endurance, slower metabolism and less energy, gaining weight and overall slowness, etc.

Nor about all accomplishments and built something, not this looking back and lived colorful enough, and not even looking at ages of any other people.


I decided that I am not a young adult anymore because I am impatient.

I want to outgrow something I want it gone from my life for good.
I want all my hard work to yield. I want all my experience and knowledge to show something for itself.
I want to be stop being fricking stuck at the same issues I've been dealing since pubescent years.

I want to just wait while I work and hone anything relevant to the issue, hopefully that immaturity madness will be over once I matured.

But no.
That did not happened.

Even if everyone kept telling me; you're still young, you're still young, you're still young...
It could've been flattering to some who would value their looks, but that ain't me.

I am not getting younger.
And I wasn't moving forward.
I don't like that.


And to make me move on, it took something artificial.

Frick it, really.

If I had known that all that years of work will yield nothing. Really.
It's just coping from those shite and never able to remove the problem.

That whatever's blocking me from actually learning is more biological than just simple sets of circumstances, developmental or even psychological that time, experience or even wisdom itself will heal it.


Just frick it.



I'm particularly wary of diagnostic overshadowing.
And any assumptions born out of common overshadowing.

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People can be rather frightening sometimes.

I made the mistake of staying up until 1 in the morning and trying to relive some of my early days here.