Really disgusted

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I can't agree with you more, especially the part about not wanting to try a lot of things because it's something that can be attacked.

I don't want to try new things for a while, it always blows up in my face.

Again, you are right on the money about everything. You got it down.

Thank you, Kurtz, and I don't just want to be on the money about everything. I want to change things. I should tell you the positive side. I understand a lot of things that other people can't or won't and I can explain those things in writing quite well. I'm pretty good at explaining them orally also.

Large animals aren't just friendly with me, they are also gentle and loving.

I'm getting along a lot better with my co-workers than I used to. I also seem to be gaining leadership skills.

One of the maddening things is that although I am getting a lot on the ball things seem to keep happening to knock me off or to restrain me from making any progress. One of the problems is that to get my car working right, all that I have to do is spend moderate amounts of money that I should be able to save in my circumstances and I live with someone who can work and won't. This hurts me. I seem to need my indulgences and I guess that's what's going to have to go, but my car always seems to be on the verge of falling apart and my income seems to be limited. I don't want to make radical changes which may make things worse.

It's also not just because something might blow up in my face, either someone blows it up for me for no reason that I can understand or I wind up doing something because that's what I expect.

I'm getting too old for this ship, and I do mean "ship."

You're saying some real sh*t here. You don't see that much, it tends to get chased away, ignored, people want pablum, white bread, kool aid, substance substitutes. I like the way you write. It grabs.



Me too, man. A couple months ago, I was at the end of my rope, just sobbing my guts out, and all the sudden I smell bad breath, and my big old fat dog is right up in my face, ears back, eyes giving me a worried "it'll be okay" and he licked me on the nose, just once. That is the first and only time in the 14 years I've had him that he's licked me.



It's weird, right? Are you getting angrier, like more expressive rather than boil/burst cycling? That's when people started acting different to me, and I think it has to do with expressing "boundaries" a lot better. I was never allowed to do this, there were no boundaries with me. It was terrifying to do this at first, and I tended to get really upset and rage at people. I still do, though not as much if I get a chance to gear up for it, and experience the negative emotions before interacting with people. There's been more than one instance where I've blown up and had to quit a job just because there was one person I didn't know how to deal with that focused on making my life hell, almost always an ugly woman in middle management with a "because I can" attitude.



I know the feeling EXACTLY. What I've found is that I keep crappy things around so that there is always something to hate. I'm not saying that you are doing the same thing, not at all, just that these weird "intertia" moments seem to be about much more than they are on the surface. I find myself doing a lot of forehead-smacking at my own obliviousness.

I have had to sever ties to my past, I haven't spoken to any of my old friends (save one, I f******g love that girl) since January, and I have never been happier. There are still more that need to be severed, but I have had to take the low road, like always. I'm one mule-headed son of a b***h, and I just need things pounded into my thick skull sometimes, have it laid out in no uncertain terms. I need PROOF of things, especially the important ones. I used to think I was afraid of the truth, but it turns out I was afraid of KNOWING WHAT WAS TRUE AND WHAT WAS NOT, of the grim spectre of self-reliance and responsibility.

My boss was deliberately keeping me poor so he would be guaranteed a worker who would do any job. I would work anytime, anywhere, no questions asked, as many hours as possible. It was when I realized that he had been stiffing me for overtime to the tune of over $10,000 (I will never take someone's word again about what the labour laws are, especially if they are the ones signing the cheques), that "his" mechanic, the one I went to, a friend of the family for decades, had been sabotaging my car by doing stuff like using crap parts in from the junkyard and charging me full price and talking about me behind my back, laughing at me and how stupid I was, when my best friend for whom I had stuck my neck out over and over again betrayed me, when the weirdo from whom I was renting a room saw me bring a girl up, and started getting passive aggressive and nasty to the point I was terrified of killing him.

I quit my bullsh*t job. I sold my bullsh*t car to the wreckers for $100, after I had put several thousand into it to make it pass the safety test, left my bullsh*t "friends" behind, and moved out the day before I would have to pay another month's rent to that sickening prick, just bailed on the whole deal.

Yeah, my life still sucks ass, just not as hard, and I think I'm getting a handle on things, because I finally feel free to do things for myself. I tend to pound my head into brick walls, but it's always the walls that give way, not my skull.

You hate that goddamn car, don't you?



Ah, the "I'm my own worst enemy" feeling. I am the KING of this. It sucks, I know.

One thing that makes me feel better sometimes is reading Classically Liberal. Mises.org is good for hard data and precise theory, but this guy tends to focus on the little ways that the state messes us around, covering local stories that would never get the kind of exposure they deserved, where they would never paint a picture of a society gone horribly wrong. It's edifying, and I get same type of feeling from having read these posts of yours, that I'm not the only one that sees these things.

Take care, man.

Actually, the car and the person I am living with sort of present insurmountable opportunities. It's a little bit like being given a horse for free. I can't afford to board one. I can't do without the car and I am in a rent-free situation, it's just that the other person seems to use up my free money. I like the person and I like the car.

I'm in a sort of a parody of the usual situation, where it's a crap car, a crap job, and a crap roommate. It's a lot better than the usual. I appreciate the sympathy, Kurtz, and I've certainly been there too. There are crap roommates and then there are also the ones who seem to be good people who can't get their act together. I have also been the one who can't get his act together.

It's more frustrating when things are "sort of OK" but they don't function right.

And she could work and we could save beaucoup money and then we could both fix our cars and I will be punished if she finds out I said this.

You're right, Kurtz. I am actually being treated badly.

I know what the "inertia" moments are, too.

My new rule: ALWAYS look a gift horse in the mouth! I've found that the people who have controlled me are the ones who have given me physical things or money, so you aren't "allowed" to get mad at them, because they can pull the floor out from underneath you at any time, and they know it. Like it or not, introvert types like AS people are born suckers until we get hurt bad enough, at which point we become bitter and paranoid, or we learn to recognize and discern the good people from the bad. I'm learning to do the latter after many years of the former.



Great! This is good! This means that you are seeing the patterns.



I could not agree more. I HATE not knowing things, ambiguity sucks. I always liked to hang out with black guys because there seems to be a set of prevailing trends in their culture that leads many of them to be upfront about what they think of you. If they hate you, you know it. If they like you, you know that too. If they have a hustle, an angle, they're straight-up about it, because they know they've got you over a barrel, and it's nothing personal, just business. Life's too short for stupid games.

Keep talking it out.

I know what you mean about people who give you gifts wanting to control you. It's like my mother giving me something and then if the slightest thing happens it's "after I gave you such and such" and then maybe I would feel guilty but mostly I would feel afraid because that was often a prelude to violence.

Ambiguity is used to screw people around. You don't know if you have an enemy, so you treat the person like a "friend" when you should probably chase them out at gunpoint.

Amen!

You're probably a fan of this show already, but in case you haven't seen this, it's Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t episode on PETA. (Of course, I have to give a warning, loads of swearing and probably a bare bum or two in this one, so don't say I didn't warn you when the giant man starts screaming the f word!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9ijLulwUTY

I hate PETA.

PETA is just plain crazy, and liars. They have made it way too far and must be stopped. You could say that they embody everything that is wrong with the world right now.

When you say to yourself that you need a life, it's like that is exactly what someone like the PETA people want to prevent you from having.

I am very good at communicating with intelligent people. I don't even know why I should have to have "empathy" with stupid, cruel people who live to take things away from me and hurt me.

I feel like whatever Asperger's is, and you can read the story of Dr. Asperger and his bright kids, I have something extra. The other people who may think they are on the outside of my invisible shield looking in, they seem to me to have something missing. Most animals have that something. Those who don't have it or don't feel it think that there is something wrong with those who do. I had to be actively and aggressively interfered with to become unhealthy in body or mind. I think that the "regression" when I was about four years old came about as the result of deliberate abuse. Your mileage may vary. I waffle on the mercury theory but then I read about mercury in the vaccines being at 100 times the recommended safe dosage, and I don't want to get into that endless argument right now, but I was damaged when I was about four years old. Before then I could read. For a couple of years I had trouble reading. Then I could read everything that I picked up again, and could easily understand college textbooks at the age of 8.

Hey, I would have replied earlier, but my email notification is a little bit random...

I don't know how it went for you, but I'm guessing that you started school at about 4 years old? That's a pretty big deal, and can be pretty traumatic. When you stop and think about it, you're placed in an environment where you're forced into an unnatural role, a place where you have to ask permission to take a piss. Have you ever had to ask to use the bathroom since you left school? If you're already getting abused at home, as you most certainly were, going to school just adds another dimension to it. Actually, it makes it seem as if not only your family but THE ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD is there to abuse you as well!

Damn, you're obviously smart even by the standards we have here; I can imagine how crushing it would be to for you to get thrown into an environment where your one standout strength is brutally crushed, then have to endure round two once the school day is out. It certainly was for me.

Re:Mercury...bovine excreta.

No, I didn't get thrown into school, although I think my mother tried to get me in a year early. My grandfather read out loud to me and I watched schoolroom shows on television that taught me how to sound out the words. I was doing that successfully, so I am told, by the time that I was 3 years old. It's almost eerie that I could understand almost every word I heard on the television, I suppose by context and stuff. But there was a period during which I had some problems and I really don't know how to describe them. People pushed me around and tried to fit me back into the "baby" mold. Weird s**t happened just out of the blue.

You know, the most overt child abuse stops at about age five to seven (I'll dig for backup if you ask, I'm feeling lazy just now ), and this is about the same time the child will develop a sense of autonomy; at this point the abuse starts a having more and more psychological and emotional dimension.

I think its roughly the same effect that school has on you, they crush your individuality at a very young age, at a very crucial time. Iss Das Kindergarten!

I'm sick of being pushed around and lied to. I'm having trouble of thinking of the perpetrators as living beings.

And now play dates followed by pre-kindergarten. I think it the single largest part of the problem, the systematic destruction of the individual starting young. Allowed to develop their own peer structure, with no outside forced socialization, till say age ten, it would be a much different world. For one, students would hire a teacher, not the State.

No one at home ever had to ask permission to take a piss. instead of one school, we could have a series of playgrounds, one where all the eight year olds gather. They would have a budget for storytellers, arts and crafts, and broad freedom to do as they pleased. A 24/7 house of their own would give them broad protection. Kid Community owned space and services.

At ten they could chose the education they wanted, they could join, and would expect hard work from themselves, and from their educaters.

Atendence would not be mandatory, they could also elect to go play with the younger of older kids.

The hostility I saw in school was anger from something else. Bullies could be dealt with by putting them in with older kids. They would soon change.

Now everyone is made into a nothing, then sold to a factory, a system left over from the Industrial Revolution, which ended sometime ago. Before then it was the Three "Rs" and hanging with all the local kids in a one room school house, kids taught kids. One teacher watched over them, brought art supplies, and helped each to grow as the person they were. Teaching was not a lifetime job, The School Marm was hired at 21, a girl that went farther in school, and by 25 was a wife and mother, and there was a new 21 year old School Marm. So there was a chain of them in the community. Imported educated women.

A mutual support was developed that reached into the community. When you were a little kid, the big kids helped you, and before you were a big kid, they were running the business, doing the jobs, sending their own little kids for you to help, and everybody was one group, "We The People."

The current system started various dates, in some places, 1880? in others not till 1930, where schools existed to train/condition factory workers. At the old one room, kids did not have to ask to go to the outhouse.

Social inertia has left us with the conditioning for something that no longer exists. The factory did take every hand working as one, and pauses in production did effect all. I do not care when people work, as long as it gets done on time. The whole idea of a 40 hour week makes no sense anymore. Most of my "Employees," I have never seen. They send in the work by email, I pay through Paypal. We do not even live in the same country.

I like them, value them as members of my community, and will do what I can to help with their projects and goals. We spend a lot of time educating each other. We are back to, We The People. The Internet is one room.

The competitive Model, to rise you must destroy the people around you, is changing back to, to survive, you must help the people around you. Not fast enough to please some of us, but it is happening.

The roots of our problems can be found in the roots of our culture.

As Kurtz says about Blacks, We, and Survival, come first in their culture. I do not like you, but I will put up with you within these boundries, makes a lot of social sense. We need every structure to work as best it can, while accepting human nature.

Remnant's complaint is people who claim to like everyone, then set out to destroy them. It destroys all social trust. It is upsetting to discover, and that they have no shame about it, but it is better than being blind. It only bothers you because you do seek a better world. You are not alone in that.

Liberate the under ten, and change the world!