Any ideas on what to do about this person?

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I suppose I can understand that. I doubt she'd agree, but maybe she has trouble communicating this to you.

It's probably good for you to live separately, at least for awhile, from her if this is the way she makes you feel. Perhaps you can end up finding a balance between your relationship with your mother and your relationship with yourself and your friends, where they don't seem to be pitted against each other.

I don't need to ever go back there. I'd rather live in a hole in the ground. I'm through with "You have to think about your future sometime" and "OMGOMG she has to get that credit!" and "If you don't like our food get a job" and "sorry, all we can AFFORD is fattening barf-inducing crap that most people eat anyway and call food so shut up and eat it; you don't know what I've been through in my life." And "You don't like eating only once a day? Too bad, you need to lose weight anyway. You two could do with starving for two weeks, then you'd be lean and mean like me." (that was my dad, actually.)


They want me to shut up, go to school, not complain and make them more miserable and depressed than they already are, eat s**t (and a limited amount of it) once a day and be hungry an hour later but have to wait 24 hours before having more, get s**t job if I want anything decent WITHOUT any meds for ADD because after all, my mother said "You shouldn't have to take 10 or 11 drugs just to go to school!" (which is a huge f*****g exaggeration, I was thinking more like 1) And if I'm in school, I'd be spending most of my leisure time working and the rest of it doing homework so that means no social life either.


Oh, and don't tell me to let it go, because "Let it go" is just a euphemism for "Run away from it."

She sounds like she really cares about you, but she is overly protective and too involved in the details of your life. You need to live your own life, and she needs to let you do that, like the other person said, "learn to swim for yourself".

But I wouldn't hate her for it. She's human, she's a mother, her words/actions are understandable. I think many people have this same problem, NTs as well as Aspies.

I don't know if everyone would be so understanding of her if you all knew how she never kept promises and nagged when she promised not to and would try to get me whatever I wanted but when she got mad would throw it in my face with "After all I did for you!" or "After all the sacrifices I made!" or "You're a spoiled brat!" Love and gifts are and promises are supposed to be UNconditional. Do I suddenly owe her something if she got me some strawberries (because I'd be consuming her resources anyway even if I was eating her disgusting overcooked spaghetti) and she threw it in my face if I didn't pas a test or something? Or maybe you know and that's just something all parents do. If I don't know better and do that to my kids I hope they speak up and tell me off good for it.

Ana,

I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not your mother is right. But I'm curious ... What is your philosophy, being that you fervently disagree with everything she says?

I want to be left alone. If I leave, I don't want her LYING to convince me to come back. I don't believe a word she says because she is NOT as good as her word. If she says she won't nag, she will. If she says she won't tell me what to do, she will. If she says she won't go through my stuff, she will. If she says she won't ask me questions, she will. If she says she won't try and push me in a certain direction, she will.She made those promises to get me to go back and live with her the last time and within 24 hours of being back she had broken pretty much all of them.

Last edited by Ana54 on 09 Mar 2008, 8:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You want to be left alone? Do you mean left alone by her?

I wonder if you are able to separate her present message from her past actions? Meaning, do you really believe she has a malicious intent? It appears that any sign of encouragement from her annoys you.

No; I meant that I just don't trust her anymore. She didn't keep her promises to me last time she convinced me to go back and live with her. She started breaking them as soon as she saw me and she broke them all in less than 24 hours. I can't take her seriously. Maybe her feelings and the talk about what's going on in her life, but not her promises. At least my dad and I know that we can't keep promises so we never make them. I feel like the last time I was made a fool of because I was lured back under false pretenses.

My mother used to do that sometimes, the 'after all I did for you' line etc.
To which, I now say, why do it if you wanted something in return?
Or I simply tell her to not emotionally blackmail me.
I dont take that anymore.
And it helped to speak out. But not to hate her, we are all human in the end, all with our scars and our pasts, and we do what we can with our experiences.

Best to consider that everyone is just doing the best they can with their knowledge and experience.

Yadayada my mother said the same to me, yet she still continued to yell and scream, and make my existence as miserable as possible. Just because a parent says they love you doesnt mean they even know what the f**k theyre talking about.. You know? Not to ramble about it though, cause its not even my problem anymore I feel like a million dollars now that moved out for good

Then why beleaguer the point - psychodrama?

If, for whatever reason(s), your mummy does not meet your standards, just move on. Bitterness never solves anything. I realize no parent is perfect, but your mother has shown she does love you and cares for your well-being, even if she might be misguided. Just wondering...have you ever said to her, "Thank you, I am grateful for your effort and sacrifice."? Because she has tried for you. Have you considered she might be frustrated with your behavior too? I'm not intending to blame you or anyone, but sometimes stepping back and viewing objectively is advantageous.

Just another thought - tirades about parents become tiresome for me. Here's why: I do not have parents and I would have given anything to have someone even write me a message, showing you her love, caring for you. Please consider what you've got and what you've taken too. I'm sorry if your mum isn't to your liking, but what do you want? What is her intent? Maybe she goes about the parenting thing all wrong - I do not know. But she shows motherly love - appreciate that. I don't 'get' that you expect her to buy you better food, that you want her to let you hang around with just anyone for friends, etc. She is your mother; have some respect.

FYI: I was always a 'good girl,' performed well in school, very conscientious, and really autistic. When I was a teenager, right after high school, I had NO ONE. This means I lived in a tool shed for 2 years (6' x 8') with bedding straw and ate from a dumpster. Need a remind you Alaska is cold in the winter. THINK, Ana. I have tried very hard.

You may choose to disengage instead of chronic whining and attention seeking. Sorry if this is harsh, but you keep begging for answers. What precisely is your question?

LabPet, start your own support thread.


Oh, and Graelwyn, thanks for showing me the name for it; emotional blackmail. That's exactly how I feel. It may be completely unintentional, but it's still happening and I'm still getting s**t from her thanks to it.

Ok, now you want to play the "my life was worse than yours" game? Im sorry, but I thought I had some growing up to do. Your life story is completely irrelevant to whats going on here. THINK, your two years of a house problem such as that could have been avoided, its called a shelter. Goddamn, even when I was homeless I was at least smart enough to find a suitable solution.
There is a difference between blind attention seeking and being hopelessly miserable for whatever reason and just trying TO FIND SOME ANSWERS. Just from someone, anyone. When the answers dont come to you from others and you are still in the dark, what more can you do than just continue to try?
Concerning me.. All I can do is keep trying. To be completely honest, I HATE too much attention, it always attracts negative energy. But what else can I do than ask for help and support? Needing such things is not the same as needing attention, so maybe you should get your logic straight WINK

That's really rude, LabPet's comments were completely relevant to the topic, and she obviously put a lot of thought into her words. It's good to hear about other people's experiences, and it's sobering to think about how much worse other people's lives are. It doesn't trivialize Ana's situation, it just puts it into perspective.
You DO have growing up to do. Maybe there are no homeless shelters in her part of Alaska, did you ever think of that? It's a pretty remote place.

The areas in which I have to grow have nothing to do with this conversation. Of course there are shelters in Alaska. If you are in a somewhat remote place, finding a phone of any kind somewhere to at least have the cops take you in so you can be transfered somewhere more comfortable isnt rocket science. She was just being nasty about anas situation anyway, you cant make me believe she was just trying to be a friendly helper.

It's not that simple, and anyway, maybe she didn't want to go live in a shelter. I wouldn't either, but maybe that's because I'm an Aspie, and need my space, rather than being jammed into a human warehouse which is noisy, crowded, and you're in constant fear of having your stuff stolen or being assaulted.

If she didn't care about Ana's situation, then she wouldn't have wrote such a long and thoughtful reply. Just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean they don't support you. Questioning someone's beliefs is far more helpful than mindlessly coddling them. You can't solve problems if you wallow in self-pity rather than trying to understand them.

Anyway, she asked what her specific problem was, which is clearly an invitation to listen and trying to understand.