I am Fat and Worthless

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Ok then, my next two questions would be,-
(1) are you taking your meds?
(2) most Bi-Polar meds make you gain weight big time,, so, what kind of meds are you taking?
see your doctor about that issue, thats one of the reasons my ex-wife gained so much weight.

I weigh 244 lbs. :O)

Oh my goodness, you weigh 125 and you're 5"9'!?!?!?!
That's unhealthy!

Go to the members board and look at my pictures. I love my weight, and I'm 140 and 5"6'. You should NOT be losing more weight!! !

I look at myself in the mirror or look at most other guys and think

"God! We are hideous things, us guys. Why a girl would be interested in going out with the likes of us is beyond me"

And on occasion: "If I was a woman, I'd be a lesbian. It wouldn't make sense any other way"


Obviously (most) girls think otherwise but, I can't get into their heads and figure out what they want. (Unless they tell me.)

It's probably the same with you or you wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.



Just concentrate on feeling good and being healthy. Trust me. I have met fat girls that I have ended up wanting to f*** them despite their weight. I knew this one that just knew how to use her voice to drive me (and other guys, presumably) half insane.

BTW, do you like near Arizona?

I just did your BMI, and you have a score of 18.5, which mean you are healthy and have a higher life expectancy then most. You don't need to lose weight!

1) keep missing my appointments and my fear of weight gain has prevented me from going on Quetiapine, which is what he originally suggested, plus his diagnosis was so unexplicit and didn't even give the type.

I have not gained weight, I was 140 just before xmas, and was 138 last month.

I have never been over 150 but I dont care what charts say, if I look down and back at my body directly, there is flesh on my backside and it disgusts me.

I hate being here. I dont belong in this imperfect body.

Woodsman, when you feel time has slipped you by and all been lost on various disorders, and missed out on, 33 is old,

I missed out on most of my younger years because of this...disorder , and it seems it is going to remove the rest of my years.

I do not see any way of ever finding any peace, let alone happiness because I have a deep seated self hatred that even others have described as being the strongest self hate they have seen in anyone.

Nothing stops me loathing what I am.
Whatever I am... I feel totally disconnected from me anyway these days.

My body has become all I see of myself, I dont even look at my face.

you may find it hard to believe, but there are a host of guys out there who actually like a little meat on the caboose...

5'9" and 125 pounds is skinny There's a rumor (I think it's been disproved) that Marylin Monroe actually wore a size 14...

y'know, it may just be that you need some toning up. A little excersize, and you'll gain weight (muscle mass), but the things you're complaining about should tighten up.

Old changes as you get there...always just out of reach...
33 to me is young...

I should be toned, I have been doing 2 hours of exercise a day for over a month now. I have not just dieted and to hell with the rest, I have dieted and exercised a lot.

Id love to think it is loose skin I am seeing but I doubt it at this weight.

You have to eat properly. If the amount of calories that goes into your body is less than what you consume, your body goes into starvation mode and will start to save as much fat as it can!

If you workout very hard, your body will prefer to consume it carbohydrate stores first and then use up the fat store. By the time you're using up your fat, your body might still try and save as much of it as it can since it thinks it could need it later (for other hard or long workouts). If you start working out for too long, eventually you body will get into (yes) starvation mood and again start saving calories.

If you work out moderately for a reasonable amount of time (like 15 minutes, I think), you body will prefer to use up its fat stores. You could probably work out a few times a day 6 days a week this way, although you should verify this with someone who knows better. You also need to take some breaks from exercise to allow your body to recover and rebuild.

Also, if you eat 6-7 times a day instead of 3 (but still eat the same amount each day as before) your metabolism will increase which means you'll probably store less fat.

What you should really do is read about nutrition and weight training. Otherwise you're wasting your time and could make things worst for yourself.

Hope this helps.

(p.s. I meant to say "live", "do you live near Arizona?".)

Nowhere near Arizona. Not even in the USA.
I do not eat 3 times a day. I usually have a low calorie sandwich for lunch and a low calorie dinner, and some high fibre, low fat granola type bars and fruit in between.

If I exercise less surely all my weight will just go back on ?

It is only my butt that bothers me anyway. The rest is bones sticking out. My thighs do not join at any point until the knees.

Graelwyn,

Whether you're fat or anorexic is academic. The fact is that fat people are beautiful too. Everyone has different likes and dislikes. I'm married and my wife is a large woman. I don't love her any less for it, I love her more for it.

It seems to me that you're too fixated on appearance as the cause of relationship issues. I've read your blog and you make it clear that the issue is that you're being lied to. That you're dating someone untrustworthy and/or disloyal. The problem isn't your appearance at all.

You even go so far to say;

You've been hurt before and you're still blaming yourself instead of the other party.

Should you get cancer for them?... die for them? - No: Not when they brought you to this.

Go out and find something to love about life - and something to love about yourself. Then come back in and tell us why you're such a shining star. That's what we really want to hear from you.

I agree
your a terrific person Kate, a good friend
and not at all fat or worthless
the day I got here I thought highly of you and wanted to be your friend
and I have that honour
and am glad for it
and I can't just sit here and not disagree when you put yourself down

You are NOT fat. I'm 5'3" and weigh the same as you, and I know I am not fat, and therefore you are not fat. We all have insecurities; i have large hips but this doesn't make me fat. We are supposed to be made up of flesh, and flesh always has its flaws.

You are not old either; 33 is very young, you still have most of your life to live! Enjoy it!

I hope you can get treatment. Please take care of yourself!

Aso, Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 back in the day, and since sizes have changed over time, today this would be an American size 6 or so. That's pretty revolutionary for a world of stick-thin models. It's proof that you can be of average weight and be beautiful.

When a guy looks at you he's not thinking "I wonder how many calories she's eating?" He (at least initially) is going by looks. Instead of looking at a mirror, and trusting yourself as an accurate guide of how guys look at you, use guys' reaction to you.

If I go by my own evaluation of myself, I'd consider myself a f*****g caveman. Yet I look around and see that women smile at me. Once in a while they'll even approach me. (I have problems talking to them, though, buts that's a different story...)

The best advise I can give you is go to a damn library and learn as much as you can about nutrition and exercise. Once you get the hang of it, it's doesn't take that long to get results. It took me less than a years worth a weight training to get were I'm at now. Since you're a woman and therefore you do not need to bulk up, it should be easier for you once you've done the proper research.

And, if I were you, eat 2000 calories. You might be able to get away with 1800 but 1200 is too little. If you feel weak, sleepy, or in any other way not well, it could be because you're not eating well.

Also, exercising too much can be counter productive. Like almost anything else, there's such a thing as too little and too much.

(If I sound condescending, I apologize; I don't know you and therefore don't know what you do and don't know.)

125 pounds is not fat, unless you're only 3 feet tall, and I'm 33, and I don't consider that to be old, not even close. You have many good years ahead of you. It sounds like you need some stabilization in your life. I bet you are a beautiful person, who just needs some convincing. You need to find a person/friend who can help you believe in yourself. Be patient, and it will happen someday. Best wishes.

The way our society is set up, we only end up seeing the nakedness of people who are extremely good-looking. Most of the women you're trying to be like don't actually exist - they're photoshopped. Women are expected to be thin and young because it makes them weak and powerless. That way, men can dominate them.

You have two choices: You can carry on with what you're doing - let society think for you, let them tell you you are ugly and worthless and deserve to die, strive to please the people who tell you these things, however subtly, by doing what they want and kill yourself. You could also fight it. Realize how wrong and f****d up all this is and stop contributing to the problem.

Look at my avatar. Did you notice how my forehead is too big, how my nose is overly round and clown-shaped at the end, how one ear is lower than the other, and how my hair looks like a wig that's not on straight? Of course you didn't. I notice these things because I look at my own face every day, so I notice problems others don't. You have to realize that you always look a lot worse to yourself.

What you're feeling is an instinct. It is a desire to be sexually appealing. It is not logical, and even your very definition of sexually appealing is a lie.

I do not like my body. I have to wear an unbuttoned shirt over my t-shirt because my nipples stick out. My ass is too big, and it isn't too great-looking either, even at 20. My back is completely covered in stretch marks and acne, and I have other things I'm not happy with I'm not going to mention outside the adult forum. But this is because I'm comparing myself to this perfect image of a man with a handsome face and a 6-pack - the ones they show on packages for men's underwear because they know every guy wants to look like that. I'm not comparing myself to a normal, ordinary human being, and if I do that, I actually don't come out all that bad.

You know your thoughts about yourself are unhealthy. You can recognize them in others, so why can you not recognize them in yourself? If you're already unhappy about how old you look at only 33, you have a problem, and you need to be prepared for what you're going to look like at 70. My Grandpa is dieing of cancer. No one deserves that, and certainly not as a punishment for displeasing society's emaciophilic tastes. Come out of this!