LOST. how to get out? motivation & mental disciplines?

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help.
I've been here (this apartment) 5 months.
I can't get out. (of this life. it's both behavior and thought.)
My messed up sleep isolates me.

I'm so frustrated because I know this is all completely avoidable, but I don't have the power to change things. Nobody I know knows how to change things. I'm on the internet in places where nobody knows how to change things.
So lost. and no guide. not in the form of another person, an instruction manual, or innate sense.

I need to understand a thought process in order to follow it (IE: be convinced/taught), or I need to have faith and believe something which I don't have proof of. (once again, I need to be convinced that a message I hear is likely to be true, perhaps by general character of someone who tells me something)
All of this other crap is meaningless.

I started thinking again about trying to get a shrink... (here in Ontario) ODSP directed me to 211 which ... I dunno. gave me a couple numbers. I looked online and found a resource that lists a bunch of service providers. I don't know what would be best. I mean... I've heard there are long waiting lists for everything... but above all else I want a good shrink.
and then I remembered the years of struggling to get to appointments on time... I don't know how I can do this.

Lately there's just no connection between my good will and intentions and my actions. 3am and it's ok to stay up and watch 6 hours of comedy on the internet. and then it's 11am and oh no how horrible it all is and I'm so sorry! at 9am I wasn't tired. I had a headache, but I wasn't tired. How can I go to bed when I'm not tired?

I read something interesting about some book about television about how it's incapable of presenting certain types of messages because of the medium... and the popularity of a new medium I guess means a shifting of the way people think... so what's that say for the way people think most of the time? methods of thinking... I got methods of thinking, and they're all unconsciously controlled.

Forget it. This is obviously the wrong place to get help, and I just can't handle anything right now. I've wasted half a year of my life. ahhh, but what's another year onto the pile that's the majority of over a decade of wasted time?
I just don't want to die an animal. a pitiful, helpless creature. what a cruel fate, to have no more control over your life than a dumb animal.

Can you try to do something very small? How about going out for a walk? Try not to think about everything at once. Just take it one day at a time and add a little more activity outside your typical routine every few days. Don’t think about the future or past so much. If you constantly beat yourself up each time you fail you’ll never have motivation. Give yourself a blank slate. Every day is new.

I hope this isn’t useless. I know depression is hell.

Seeing your posts reminds me of some of my days/weeks/months where there is no point...

Advice? I don't have much...

I'm in a rut myself. I've very little contact with anybody around. Work consumes 60 hours, getting to and from another 12, sleep about 50, leaving me a free day and a number of hours throughout the week to recharge the ol' battery. This is a pointless cycle. I have a bit, not much, steady income, but no meaning...

My advice? Read. Do. Jump into something. Reflect on your childhood, and find books on where to start you interest. As of this moment I've been drawing designs like crazy for a furniture business I'd like to start. You crave the results, and see the process, but can't muster the motivation to get where you want to be. The problem? Looking too far ahead. When I was a wrestler, I can't remember how many times I'd have lost a match had I based my performance on how the other guy looked, or even his reputation. Fears mean nothing unless you let them. There's something that needs to be turned off in order for the engine to just keep on a going. It sounds foolish, but it's makes sense to me, have seen others simply act, when they "shouldn't have" all the time, my brother is a prime example in this...

Whatever it is to "do," starting with something small is a good idea. Let things take off, progress on their own pace. You might end up a place far from where you intended, but still as desired.

I've skimmed here and there, so pardon me if this post doesn't fully address the problem, or if things have changed.

That's some excellent advice Marshall. The problem seems to be the "scope" and how everything is being taken in. Couldn't have said it better.