I think I'm headed for divorce. How do I keep my kids?

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Am I the only one who thinks that when the husband said, "You are going to lose the entire family." meant that he was having trouble with your attitude and behaviour, and he was trying in a NT way asking you to behave politely? It sounds like you MIL was trying to be helpful, and you snarled at her. Yes, it is irritating to have people do stuff the wrong way around you, but I truly think she meant well. You could have retreated to another room to clean and after she left fixed what she did. I know you mean well too, but you seem to be a trial to be around. I speak as one who was awful around the ones I loved until I got treated for depression.

lelia, did you read all of my posts? My MIL is a control freak who doesn't have an ounce of respect for me.

This is how my ex-wife lost custody of our son. She couldn't control her emotions in court.

uh, no you are not the only one. that comment/part of the situation was understandable.



having a MIL completely undermine your parenting, and influence your child in a way you disaprove of is NOT being helpful, neither is cleaning if it is upseting the person. i think hiding in another room sounds silly, you should be able to ask someone to please stop doing something in your own house!

also, regardless of the issue, if your spouse is not supporting you, and is talking his mommy's side over his wife's-- well that's wrong, and it's a very big problem.

OK. Sorry

Lawyers, if it comes to needing them. Had to find one for a very disturbing family matter. I got a suggestion, I baited him over the phone and he went for my throat immediately, I hired him. Expensive? Yup. The cops backed off, the social services backed off and everything was dropped before any court needed to be involved. The person responsible for the whole mess, well she treads lightly now. If I had pushed it, I would and probably should have her taken out of the public, for your own safety or more correctly for your kids safety, but the trail directly to her got just a bit murky, but probably was doable. She still puts "nanny" on her resume. Yeah she was my ex. Find the best you can afford and then find one better that costs more then you have on hand. It will more then pay you back in the long run and your emotional states after divorce will be lessened. Trust me, been there. I lived in divorce hell for I don't know exactly how long, 20 years? No lawyer when we did it. Didn't help I had no idea about any of this ADHD, AS, Bipolar, but let's just say I was treated like a criminal and I wasn't.

Lawyers, cheap ones, as in free public defense. The lower you go the sooner you'll do jail time. I have had the best and I've had the worse. Go middle and expect no different outcome. Never did any real jail time, but they sure as hell threatened me enough. Nothing you would have to worry about, the males were and sometimes still are viewed as nasty foul things in the court systems and I'm not saying he isn't. All I'm saying is male rights have come a long ways since those days.

Your call if you need to go this route, divorce, but if you think for a second it's going to be divorce and instant problem solved, think again. This process is seriously nasty or can be. Weigh other options carefully.

Sadly - divorce or no divorce - if your husband does not see the need to keep his mother away from your son, your MIL will continue to have free access.

As MIL is already badmouthing you, you might want to read up on parental alienation.

My husband and I talked, through email, and he wants to stay together. And agreed with my demand that his mom is not allowed to have our son alone. Things are looking up, I think, maybe.

Thanks for the info on parental alienation, that is what my MIL is doing. I'll share it with my husband.

So we are indeed getting a divorce. Confirmed. Where do I start?

You'll need a lawyer and get a good one. It won't be cheap but they'll usually work with you on that.

lawyer works everything out he can think for you because they know the whole law book in there head
the only problem is the money.i still dont think it should cost money to get a devorce

Are you sure he didn't just mean that your acting that way would make it so your entire family, your son included, wouldn't want to be around you.

Thats a fairly common way of telling someone you think they are getting out-of-control with their behavior

Lawyer, find the best you can afford, then find one better. They do it all, but they give you the choices when they arise. Be very honest and up front about anything that you think might be an issue, never lie or hide from your lawyer, never. It's going to be stressful at times, a lot of emotions are going to come into play, even after the divorce, but and this is a big one, get your fair share, get things in writing so it can't be turned around by manipulation later. The good ones know about this that's why it is terribly important for them to know as much as possible, including why you are here and they handle it. This over the long haul will make it so much easier on you and others involved, your kid. It still will be no walk in the park and life isn't, but there is a reason this is happening and you need to do it for yourself and your kid. Reach deep, be strong and don't bend when it comes to stating your wants, your needs, your kids needs. Do not be generous, get all you can, later, you can afford to be generous if you feel it earned and you probably won't get all you think anyway, there is horse trading to be done. Life on the street and if you don't know how to do it, find the best you can find and then try to find one better.

Now money is not necessarily the measure of a lawyer. Friends that may have done this before and, might and I say might, know a good one. But be careful here. Some divorces are easier than others to get done and they may think just because theirs went smoothly because it was the lawyer. It might have been and it might not have been. Do your homework. Look for someone with sharp teeth and long in the tooth, been a round for a while. A woman lawyer might be the better, not always the case, but in yours my gut feeling it might be. I doubt if you know any real misfits in the sense of nasty ass people that have gotten way less time then they might have gotten, those people know the good ones. And generally they don't handle divorces. Just looking through the yellow pages, check out what other things the lawyer handles. Disabilities? Maybe and I would think it might be one to attempt to find or a group of lawyers that handles a range of things, they know each other and know what each one does. Even if you don't have the official piece of paper stating you are DXed with such and such, state your case, always always be upfront with your lawyer. Because the other lawyer is going to be sharp in the teeth and probably long in the tooth and they are not there to be nice to you.

Ok now that I've freaked you out, sometimes they go down smoothly. A lot of times it depends on who the person really is that your divorcing. They might not be so nice towards you, but they still have a stake in this and that's the kid and want the best for them. It does happen, but don't try to cash that check till it's in your hand.

I would wish you good luck, but that luck isn't real, the best lawyer is. Stay strong and remember to breath, be good to yourself and remember not shoulder all of this burden, it takes two for divorce. Go get em tiger.

I'm I the only one that think thats getting divorce is premature? Don't worry this is not a moral argument, more a practical one. Why get divorced when you can separate? It seem to me the only people that win in divorce proceedings are the lawyers. By observation divorce often adds a whole other dimension of disfuntionality with the parent acting as kid and the kids having to grow up and be more mature then their parents.

You might be playing right into the MILs hand if you fly off the handle.

Having witnessed my friends marriage break down it can be a tricky business still living in the same house. Bare in mind it is hard to live in the same place as a person you are separated from even if it is amicable.

I have a cousin that is in a committed relationship with is partner, but they decided not to get married because they don’t believe in it. They have been together for several years and have several children. I think their way of doing thing makes sense. Marriage is pushed in our faces as an answer to everything by idiots like David Cameron. The statistics actually show more about people than they do about the ‘sanctimony of marriage’. Two people make a relationship work, not some magic ceremony.

All fine and dandy, but..we're dealing with people that don't understand to begin with. Already it looks like two against one and we can be oblivious to certain things and they aren't. Power and some people use it and use it a lot. If it's official and she said it was, go for the f*****g throat. You may know one couple that it works for but I know far more that it doesn't. My wife went the easy little money over the computer route and she got screwed big time because she just wanted out, period, get a way from it and she paid a heavy price later. Her 4 kids were grown too, big difference. Other options and I have mentioned them elsewhere, the thread was moved and all didn't come. I said get a mediator, it obviously is not an option, going by her words, confirmed. This is hard ball. Best find a pro. Pros will also ask the basic question , why. No one dislikes shysters more then I do, but in this world they are needed, live with it and you best get use to it.

Last edited by postpaleo on 23 Aug 2008, 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

exactly my point...