im scared to post this in case you all avoid me from now on.

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erm...

(stammers)

I think I need help. Not professionally, I've been to too many professionals, but i'm too bloody shy to tell them face to face. writing it down is easier for me.

I really don't want to sound as if im pining for attention, but I think its time I tried to get some help. I have so many bloody issues im a wreck, I stay awake at night and cry sometimes because its all to much for me...
I have considered suicide in the past, I self harm, I cry all the time in secret, but i'm too scared to share it with anybody. I see a face and I clam up and put on my happy face. I want to talk to my parents but I haven spoken to my dad in 3 years because he is a violent alcholic, and my mum has her own issues. I put her in hospital because I was too damn selfish to care about her. The hospital staff actually told her to put me in care. She told me to my face.
I know she loves me, but she has aspies herself and hates touch and showing affection, but I crave it. To get attention I hung around with a group which got me in more trouble than I had ever been in my life. Because of them i've learned to become a compulsive lier and can't seem to help it, I hate what I've become. Only on text am I truly honest.
I'm a teenager and a smoker, I drink when its offered to me and have experimented with drugs, although I utterly refused to take the 'hard' ones.I suppose because I was so desperate for friends I folowed them all.
Now I know you all know more about me, and its probibly changed your opinion about me. thought I'd be honest. This isn't the half of it, but i'm running out of time to say much more.
what do I do?

And i'm really sorry to say I broke the no marijuana this weekend... I didn't have enough will power and hung about with someone who still smokes it but doesn't get me into trouble.
Trying again.
^^
and thanks Ikari. ^^