Why didn't I do this in the first place?!

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Yeah, maybe I have that...but maybe I should just snuff it and get it over with.

I'm 29 (well gonna be in the next few weeks) and I still live with my father. He gets on me about how messy my room is, I just ignore it. I like my room the way it is and I can't be expected to be like everyone else.

Usagi

Be glad that you can clean your room. I am 29 years old and I still have major problems with cleaning in general. I want to be able to clean and keep my stuff clean but it's difficult for me. The wierd thing though is things like programming comes easy to me.

cube

I naturally always thought you were a girl because your posts made you sound like a bitter, spiteful girl. I don't know why

Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. I AM bitter and spiteful, and will continue to be until he draws his last breath.

Sounds like it's time to move out and make your own way.

Then you can have your room/house/apartment however you want it, and you won't have to put up with your annoying brother or abusive father.

But you seemed bitter and spiteful like a girl would be. But some girls are more like boys and some boys are more like girls, so it doesn't always follow.

I don't think anyone should judge Usagi1992's situation unless they've seen it first hand.

My brother and I have personal experience of how telling someone to clean their room can be worded and acted in such a way that it is abuse, and over time can make the other person suicidal, irrational, vengeful, full of self hate and rage, like Usagi1992 appears to be, especially as you can't talk to anyone about it because you can't explain it and they won't believe you.

Don't judge verbal abuse as inconsequential unless you experience it first hand over a long period of time.

This is the first and last comment I will make on this matter. I don't want to talk about it, other than to say verbal abuse worded in ways such has this has destroyed my family and f****d up my brother. I was more able to deal, after being verbally abused for years beforehand at school.

I have to dissagree since I'm back at my grandparents no matter how its worded if they want this office cleaned its cleaned. Your living much easier due to the fact that you live with them so no matter how they chose to phrase clean your room it should get done. I had my apartment with my ex who was never required to clean and she used to take out food leave it out for days then eat it again and get sick and she used to destroy my cleaning in about a day. It is annoying to say the least and I always had to stop my landlord from coming up there incase it was a mess. So sorry I have to agree with parents here if her parents would have made her clean she wouldn't have been as dependent on me for everything.

I think I shall quote myself again, as the lines I said before are the perfect response to this post; "you can't talk to anyone about it because you can't explain it and they won't believe you."

I have no problem with keeping my space clean, and I have no problem with cleaning my room, the bathrooms, cooking meals, putting out the washing, and doing my rightful share of the house work. I fully believe this is everybody's responsibility and duty.

However, as I find your misunderstanding very frustrating, I shall make one more attempt.

Just imagine you are living with someone, who about approximately once every ten minutes, tells you you failed at something. You didn't clean your room, you forgot to pick up a lolly wrapper off the floor, the cushions aren't straightened on the couch, your wardrobe is messy, you put something away in the wrong place, you didn't bring home your newsletter from school, etc etc. And for each of these things you failed at, that person elaborates with a reason for it; you are lazy, you are a slob, you are selfish, you are slack, you are a lazy pig, you just couldn't be bothered, you're unappreciative, you chose not to do it/forget, you do it all on purpose, etc.

Now, after a couple of days of this, you really really want said person to like you, to be proud of you, you really want to succeed and not fail and be a good person. You try harder and harder, and yet no matter how hard you try, the abuse goes on as before. Your best efforts are not good enough to elevate you from the status of a lazy, selfish, failure of a person.

You reach a point where you start believing every word the other person says about you, and after each ten minute interval when you are verbally abused, you blame yourself. You begin to hate yourself, you loathe yourself, or you lash out, become aggressive, and the feelings of hurt, betrayal, hate, bubble over and affect your daily life. You either take it all out on yourself, and become suicidal and deeply insecure, or you take it out on those around you.

Abangyarudo, I hope you have a better understanding of what I mean from this post. And I know you didn't accuse me of not wanting to clean my room or being lazy, but I want you and everyone on WP to know that I am the least goddamn lazy person on the planet, I am happy to scrub rental kitchens, bathrooms, toilets used by seriously ill people, weed gardens untouched for 6 months (all of which I have done) for days and days for my family. When we sold our old house, I helped do scrubbing, polishing, heavy lifting, gardening etc for 6 hours a day every day for 3 weeks without pay. Just thinking about being considered some spoilt person who cannot even be bothered cleaning their room because I took a risk and admitted to someone outside my deepest self about the abuse I have suffered brings up ancient rage and hurt like you wouldn't believe.

This is also the first time I have ever called it abuse, and yes, it was abuse. I refuse to deny it any more, and blame it on myself, or think it's all in my head.

If anyone here wants to tell me that I am making stuff up and I don't appreciate my parents, or tell me I'm a spoilt brat then go ahead. You can wound me, but you can't break me.

I thought this was old generation stuff, but it seems not so.

In my younger days, this was how parents tried to motivate their kids. But you are right, it is abusive, and totally soul destroying.

I am constantly amazed at the number of people I meet nowadays who have experienced this kind of treatment from a parent or even a partner, and it has totally destroyed their self esteem. They have heard the negatives so long and so often that they can't believe anything else of themselves. It is so difficult to make them believe when I genuinely tell them they are beautiful, or they are good at something.

I still think the best solution is to try to get out of such a situation. The initial cost may be high, but it will be worth it in the long run.

These people are the reason I'm writing this book:
http://smolderingremains.deviantart.com ... 1-82212934

Because I was one of them.

My apologies to Usagi1992. I believe this thread may prove to be informative and important as an illustration of how bad things can be - starting separate threads for each episode of abuse probably causes people to read only one or two such events and so one thinks of Usagi1992 as being unecessarily bitter and spiteful. I hope this bringing all the abusive episodes together will be useful to us as well as Usagi1992. I shall be interested to hear more. And again, my apologies to Usagi1992

*smiles* Apology accepted...though I was never offended to begin with.

And sunshower, you hit the nail right on the head...I *do* have very little self-esteem. They way they talk down to me makes me think I can't do ANYTHING right....But, when you've had to listen to this for 29+ years, you become accustomed to hearing it.

Its not misunderstanding but its a combination of factors that need to be addressed. In your perception it would be abuse and destructive but the tendacies that cause that view will hold you back.

Relating yourself in comparision to others
Life is a world full of conflicting wills. Similarly whatever perception preveils is a function of power not truth. The meaning behind this is quite simply that if you use others perception to define yourself you'll be given the wrong assumption. Popular perception would include you as lazy for refusing to clean your room is that correct? possibly but not in a definitive manner. Theres multiple factors which even if explained will be thought of as excuses.

In that way the words come across as abuse because theres a difference in your perception of self and the perceived perception. In that the room becomes a symbol of that contradiction hence if you get called lazy at work the desk, work area, or environment becomes a symbol of the contradiction of your perception of your work performance and the perceived view. If your not in danger of losing your job then its fine but in a situation where it will make your own situation worse then do what needs to be done. Your not dissagreeing with the command your dissagreeing with the presentation of the command. Hence someone calls you lazy so you are lazy thats faulty logic.

Presentation Of Ideas

Too many people get wrapped up in the presentation in situations where you will face many overly emotional people that becomes a fault. It kind of goes back to the original problem in ways. For instance a manager at work was borderline yelling at me for not finishing binning every night. I told him my concerns and didn't let it effect me meanwhile multiple people were like why did you let him talk to you like that. At the end of the day he was saying infront of multiple people that I'm probably the single best worker in the store (working retail while I am in school). If I let the presentation bother me I would be unproductive letting my productivity decrease gives them a physical example of their assumption hence you would be helping yourself lose more in the perceived perception. If combined with the initial issue that will cause a downward spiral that will affect all areas of your life.