Why do people on this forum always side with women?

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Everyone has two sides...
But I try to be civil in public, lol.

Because they enjoy bullying me and other men here.

Speak for yourself. I have no fewer than 17 sides.

Sly, I don't think the intention is to bully you (aside from katy troll and a few other malcontents). I can tell you right now that you need to gain some confidence. That is seriously #1 on your list of things that will improve your dating life. It's not enough to do things, you have to do them confidently. Women pick up on confidence more than any other aspect of a man, if you don't have it they will just look the other way without giving you the time of day (unintentional rhyme). One doesn't have to have riches or looks, just confidence. I wish I could give you some of mine, but it doesn't work that way. Don't take this as bullying, it's not meant to be, it's meant to be helpful.

Yeah, but you're animated-- that's cheating.

I for one have no intention of bullying you and i would say no different to a woman. Nor was my comment just about you, it was about a pattern i see of me getting emotionally involved in forums and needing to remember the division instead of becoming frustrated and snapping.

As for your reply, if no one here is recognizing you're trying things, we only know what we're told. All i've read is futility (i.e. depression speaking), but maybe there's more going on that what's posted.. (You've said you're not depressed, so meds, otc anti-depressants, yoga, therapy, exercise/vitamins, etc are all not worth trying - this too leads to the impression that action to change the situation isn't being taken).

If a post said, i'm very upset, i really want this and am trying that, but it doesn't seem to be working.. Followed by i just tried this other thing and it's not working.. That reads that the person is taking action to change the situation .and empathy ensues. Written as i want this and it will never happen and nothing will change it. Repeat. Reads differently.

The latter is what i have read/interpreted. So, if you are trying things and people aren't acknowledging it, maybe they're reading what i do and when posting about upset, adding more about things recently tried would significantly alter perception.

What you're really saying is lie to them.

Confidence is the result of good experiences. I'm confident about games, guns and work. I've only had bad experiences with dating and women, so until I have good ones no confidence can happen. Anyways it's not a matter of confidence as that's only known once they talk to you and meet up which by they way I apparently come off as confident in person. No it's a matter of I'm not allowed to talk to them because I don't have riches and looks.

It's like looking at a sign that says no shirt, shoes no service and thinking you can walk around in just your underwear as long as your confident about it, well we all know you're going get kicked out at least or maybe arrested. Well women women lost don't message unless you have abcdefghi, and you don't have any of those you can't message them unless you lie. those lies will be found out very fast when I show up with no car and can't pay for the expensive steak dinner. It's a catch 22. In order to fabricate this lies I'd have to have the money I'm lying about not having.

Though the main problem is I don't lie nor want a relationship built on lies

Bullying is the women and men yes men,who ignore what I've tried and done,messy I never do anything and it's my fault I'm s failure. Never said your one of them.

As I've mention a lot. I go on dating sites and cl daily. I keep my profile updated. I even try messaging the limited women I'm allowed to.

People here keep saying I don't do any of this ,mwhat I don't do anything. I'm not an extrovert so no I don't to extrovert bars, clubs,activities etc. I don't know how or read people in person. I'm Too shy to approach women especially when j can't read them. I've mistaken friendliness for interest far too many times leading to bad things for me.

Women can be decepting and mean. That is why I am a very picky person. I don't have problems finding women attracted to me. I have problems finding women who aren't a pain in the ass (I seek calm and friendly women who let themselves be helped when they have a problem, most women I have met however are shallow, bitchy and always turning small problems into big ones). If I can't find the right woman, then I will find the right man.

I think the problem is "get confidence" is a bit like telling a person with no legs to walk up stairs. The way our brain works, to truly feel good about ourselves we have to have some success. It's a catch-22 if you need confidence first to have success, and you need success to have confidence. That's why so many people are stuck. Also, the bullying that occurs here is detrimental to confidence. I think that is a major issue.

Also, the truth of the matter is Sly probably won't have a girlfriend tomorrow no matter what he does. Nobody really acknowledges that unfortunately there is a big degree of chance involved in finding relationships. You can only do things to increase the odds. Unfortunately if one is so mentally obsessed (which I think is an aspie thing), simply increasing the odds won't immediately make you feel better. If you put yourself out and experience more rejection you will still see yourself as failing (even if you are increasing the odds of finding someone who is compatible). Rejection after rejection can seem like a pointless endeavor with no reward.

I think if someone is depressed they really need some kind of reward. We need that dopamine connection or we never feel good. Unfortunately dating isn't a good way of bringing that, because it involves a lot of rejection. The only advice I have is to try and find other things that bring you a sense of accomplishment and reward. I think that can be hard in this world. A lot of things we are forced to do are either insufficiently challenging (i.e. tedious minimum wage jobs) or things that feel almost impossible. It's hard to find the things you can do that are rewarding (neither tedious nor impossible).

Participate in clubs that involve your hobbies and it will be easier to talk to people. You enjoy the shooting range, maybe you can find female gun enthusiasts. If you're focused on an interest, it will distract you from your anxiety.

That kind of venting is what happens when someone feels despair. Maybe people on this site don't get that because their empathy is impaired.


A lot of people act as though someone can do this this and that and there will magically be success, then get pissed off when someone isn't automatically appreciative. They don't acknowledge that there's a lot of chance involved and things don't instantly get better. Despair and frustration continues even if a person is trying things. I find it somewhat hard to understand how people don't get that. They just seem to be annoyed at seeing someone complain, as if they are somehow forced to read it. They also use their annoyance to justify bullying which I think is despicable behavior, worse than complaining or venting out of despair.

Really, "tough love" is BS. It is thinly veiled bullying that doesn't actually help anyone. It either hurts them more, or makes them want to choke the person doing it to death. That is how I've felt. I've felt violent towards my own family over their criticism of me (due to my depression) and it made me so hurt I was violent towards them and ended up in psych wards. I am not weak. I have tremendous hurt and anger in me. It is hell. It is torture. "Tough love" is NOT f*****g helpful when someone is depressed. It will make them want to MURDER YOU. Because it shows that YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND ARE INVALIDATING THEIR EXPERIENCE AND ATTACKING THEM AS A PERSON.

If dating sites have been nothing but a failure for sly, he should try dating girls he meets in person.

If games and guns make him feel confident, then meeting girls at the shooting range or some gaming venue seem like ways to feel confident while meeting girls.

Ask a girl out for a coffee - coffee's cheap, plus you can leave if the girl isn't fun outside of the gun/gaming venue.

I don't necessarily think so on confidence, I appreciate the analogy, but this isn't a physical thing that can never occur, this is something that is purely mental and can be overcome. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm saying it's possible. When we start thinking of things as impossible they tend to become impossible. My main point is that if Sly really wants to get a girlfriend, social life, etc, he needs to work on confidence first.

Now one bit of advice I can give to help is this: you've probably felt confidence in something at some point in time, even if it isn't confidence with women specifically. Remember that feeling and relive it before engaging in flirtation with women, basically transfer that confidence you have from one area and invest it in another. Yes, there's some mental manipulation you'll have to do to get there, but it's not necessarily wrong, bad or even untruthful.

Example (as if I were Sly):
I remember the first time I shot a handgun and the recoil felt like it would break my wrist. I didn't want to do it again, but I did. Over time the recoil didn't affect my hand so much and I got better aim. Once I got better aim I could completely control the gun and get head shots at the range every time I go. I am very confident in my ability with a gun.
I don't do well with women, but it's just like when I learned to shoot, I just need to get used to the recoil (conversation, flirting, etc.) and eventually this will be easy. I am confident I will eventually get this just as I did firearms.
The key, and this is hard for autistics, is to not break down that concept of transferring one area to another. Just accept it, illogical as it is. Confidence itself is illogical, but it's also what everyone looks for in a potential mate. I'm serious about mantra too, you need to repeat yourself every single day so you don't forget it.

Your repeated SHOUTIng replies on this page strongly seems this is not about sly and is about a nerve hit based on prior conversations or things said -to you-.

You seem unaware of this, but sly has already adamantly stated that he is not depressed. I offered to send him (no cost to him) a few over the counter anti-depressants that might help, since even if depressed, he refuses meds in fear he'd lose his guns, but again, though you keep referring to him as depressed, he does not. Wilbur previously and gently suggested it and encouraged anti-depressants - as one of a pile of possible things to try. However, you seem to have dropped in on the conversation and interpreted it as the first, which it is far from, and blast out everyone in your path because of -your- history. The context here is sly, not you.

Meanwhile, you then reply with a few suggestions to him that have already been said, more than once, by more than one person and turned down. Again, there is a lot of history you seem to have missed.

I truly believe sly is depressed. Having lived through it somehow for many years and many meds and a shedload of misery, as stated in the other post, allows one to spot it in others. Having been stuck in it allows one to see ways it can pull you under and perpetuate itself (e.g. it saps all energy and life..so trying to fight it, you have nothing to fight with). That doesn't mean i know what will make him better. All i do know, the same as wilbur, is depression, unaddressed, unless you're lucky (in which case it'd already be gone), is a beast and won't just go away. There are 100 different things that may help it and, as mentioned, you may still be left with ect and even it's not magic. But the only way it is guaranteed not to change is if it is not treated at all. At which point, you have to try something, or just give up.

You're suddenly shouting at me about tough love when i never said, nor implied anything about 'tough love' in my post - nor would i ever say it was any version of a treatment --for depression-- (again, sly says He is not depressed). Clearly you've been through s**t from people and people have said some pretty crappy things. And i admire anyone who wants to stick up for another. But perhaps step back for a minute, put aside the hit nerve, and review this in context -about sly- and what is actually being said as well as the existence of previous conversations you are unaware of - not just things that were said to you.

Honestly though, that kind of thing just doesn't work with some people. I think most people who struggle need to have some form of real success to feel better about themselves. An activity where chance is a huge factor isn't a good one for building confidence. There are simply too many variables. I personally think it is better to have a few things you can have immediate success with. I like lifting weights. If I do it I am slowly able to do more repetitions and heavier weights. I can measure the progress. It's not like dating (or looking for a job) where you're often rejected over and over again and there seems to be no progress, until suddenly you get lucky. I'm just telling the truth here. I can't help that I'm more of a realist than most people. It seems to put me at a disadvantage because the usual "think positive" and other cheer-leading stuff just doesn't work for me if I don't have real tangible results.

Last edited by marshall on 27 Feb 2016, 7:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.