Hope and Healing in The Forum

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k, not really sure if this is the right place to post. I do get counselling so I'm not deep in the depths of despair like I was but still finding it very difficult to come to terms with things.
Just feeling really disconnected at the moment and while I am telling myself that it just feels a lot worse than it actually is, it is a strong sense inside me. There was a time when I didn't want to be close to anyone, didn't want friends, too many bad experiences. Now I have a few friends but get these feelings of alienation. It's when I try to engage and don't get anywhere with it. Even on here- I just don't know how. I have been pretending for years and and now after I found out I had aspergers, I just simply can't do it any more-trying to act neurotypical that is. While I was doing badly in other areas when I didn't engage I never felt this disconnection as strong as I do now. So many times even for my artistic training I have tried to get in contact with people with no response. Anyway not really expecting a response, just want to offload- get it off my chest.

You know, I have modified behaviors to the ends of the earth.

I have learned to go along with whoever I am with. I do what they are doing, the way they are doing it. I think what they state that they think, validate their opinions left and right.

I let them define me. If one of my friends wants to make over my wardrobe?? I whip out the debit card and off to the store we go. If someone wants me to change how I discipline my children?? I comply.

Right now I am letting my mother-in-law tell me what possessions are worth keeping and what I should get rid of (basically everything important to me, and all the kids' toys except the ones that were DHs or ones that she bought for them).

I don't even know who "me" is any more-- "me" is "compliance." I know that I used to like to can and garden and cook from scratch and read-- now I feel shame when I do those things.

I try very hard to mask any and all negative emotions. When I feel in crying, or giving up, I smile extra-bright and talk in a high-pitched, super-happy voice that my husband says is painfully plastic and sounds "like a concussed pigeon." If I can't do that, I pretend to be sick and stay in bed.

I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm sorry for sounding negative, but I live in fear that the mask will fall off and I'll be exposed. I'm not looking for people who will accept me as me any more-- I don't really know who "me" is, but I know that it is NOT a desirable person that anyone not getting paid to say "I like you" would like. I'm worn out; at this point, death as an end to the crazy song and dance sounds good. I have no intention of ending my life-- there are kids to watch, floors to mop, meals to cook, laundry to be done, a man that needs sexual satisfaction, errands to run, on and on and on. I cannot willfully choose my own demise. But if I walked out of the doctor's office tomorrow with diagnosis of a terminal, untreatable disease, it would be like a weight was lifted off my chest.

^
BuyerBeware Please take care of your self - even if right now it is hard to, or hard to find self. I have such similar issues sans the husband that it hurts to read your words, they mirror what my thoughts have said. and I do that voice thing too, for me it is a warning that I'm about to "blow". am not one of the ones around here who matter, nor do I matter in the real world except for another few years in the single parent capacity. After that I may feel better or Not in which case who knows what will transpire. {{hug optional}

What to do for a sick friend who is too far away to visit?

Hi. I started a thread asking for help and advice in the General Section before i found this section. I'm not allowed to multi thread so here's a link to my thread .

Any advice will be welcome !

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp6289233.html#6289233




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I know this is supposed to be a "hopefull" thread but i have to get this off my chest.(is that how you say it?) In reaction to earlier posts in the thread, its completely logical that most threads are about pain and suffering because thats what living with asperger is all about. In my experience asperger has no upside and hope is a traitor that stabs you in the back and makes your suffering more painful. I found it useless to pretend to be an NT when you arent and it will become clear down the line if you pretend anyway. I try to just accept it and make the best of an at best abomanible situation. Maybe i will have something nice to say later but this is just how i feel right now.

this has been an on going thing, but more and more lately I am in that "wating for the bus..." state of mind... I don't know what to do about it...

I need so much help. I don't know where to start.

Sometimes it seems that you are not 100 % a member of the WP family unless you share some of your own struggles and what you are doing to overcome it, i figured I would go ahead and make the first post where I really put it out there and share some of my issues - there are too many for one post.

For the first 27 years of my life, I lived with the idea that I am not on the spectrum, even though when I was 4 no less than Isabelle Rapin studied my behaviors and came to the conclusion that most likely I was indeed on the spectrum. So I got some communication help when I was in pre school until 6th grade, but from then on, once I could build a semi facade of normalcy, I was conditioned to ignore the issues I had. And it made high school, college and the first few years of grad school terrible. Thinking of the difficulties I endured, many of which could have been easily avoided had I just taken advantage of even the help that was available to me. This causes me extreme anguish and depression. I also, during this baptism by fire, inadvertently made life difficult for others as well, including those who were trying to help me. The guilt over this and the need for redemption causes me further anguish and depression.

I am now in the process of using resources I have to help me function but I am not sure if I am going to be able to be accepted among others as one of them and I fear that no matter how much labor I put into it I will always be way more of a burden than an asset to everyone. Blogs of parents who often imply that their quality of life would be better without autistic kids, and who think autism should be viewed in terms of the burden autistic people place on others, are everywhere and I can't shake the feeling that I will always be one of those burdens in spite of the progress I have made through hard work. There seems to be a backlash among those with autism as well since there is this notion that autistic people, particularly those who are self diagnosed, are just looking for excuses for their bad treatment of others. And I don't know how to advocate for myself without being in that group.

I have recently posted threads about those with disabilities on other forums (http://absolutewrite.net/forums/showthr ... ?p=9263909 and here http://absolutewrite.net/forums/showthread.php?t=301720) and I have seen the sites where neurotypical spouses and partners austistics/aspies - as seen in this thread: viewtopic.php?t=276059 talk about how miserable life is with someone with autism. And it seems that when someone sees that their spouse is diagnosed with any kind of autism spectrum disorder it is the end of the world for them. And I am not sure that I can ever break away from this no matter how much i work my hands to the bone to do so.

I used to have episodes where I felt I had an obligation to society to find a speeding train and sit down on the tracks on front of it. Those episodes have passed now that I am finally learning to address my issues but as the public complains about how difficult and unpleasant autistics are they can always come back.

I'll be brutally honest to say that I'm glad that there is an actual place here on wp where persons are not going to be berated for going through any sort of trauma(s) within their individual lives. In fact, I remember a long time ago how I was once part of an Aspergers Singles group on Yahoo and can't forget how I was seen as the "Darth Vader" of the group not cause of sounding as, if I had a scuba diving respirator(joking) rather, I was going through depressive episode at the time and was perceived as being the bad apple.. Anyways, I'll try to help others here if possible if not myself too..