Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Father,

I'll quote something that you said "to yourself" this morning:

(Leaving aside the question of "what support?")...
While I can sympathise with the fact that the tendons in your ankles are destroyed and that this causes pain, your statement implies that when my brothers and I move out of home, they will magically stop hurting. Three seconds of thought would have made you realise that this is not the case. Could you at least try to make sense with your thoughts, just once in a while?

You are an idiot.


- Rachel -

Dear mum,

Please take me seriously. My problems aren't related to my intelligence, so stop going on about "gifted children not being able to socialise properly". I'm not even gifted. I'm above average in a couple of school subjects, but nowhere near gifted. Besides, some of the most gifted and intelligent girls in my school are also the most outgoing and popular. My problems aren't going to go away unless you help me, so stop acting like everything's fine. You've heard what my teachers have to say about me, and you've listened to me cry myself at sleep to night. I am NOT alright. If it wasn't for the people who approach me to start conversations, I wouldn't have any friends at all.

From me.

Dear Ryan,

I am so sorry for treating you terribly. You did not deserve it and the truth is that I cared about you. I pushed you away because you reminded me of the me that I did not want to be. But you had such sweet qualities that I should have been thrilled to be like you and thrilled to be with you. I am through pretending now but I realize that you want nothing to do with me. As much as it hurts I have to say that I do not blame you. I will always have the memories of those few times I let you in to my world, my real world - those long car rides on dark back roads late at night, us being a monopoly team and playing my friend and her boyfriend, the time we drove to the park and talked all night. Still, I am not sure what love is but I think that possibly I could have loved you. Except that I did not love myself and so I pushed you away. I am so sorry.

Love and top hats,
Lasey

Mom,

Your kids are more important that whoever you're currently dating. Please wake up and realize that these guys don't stick around and if you continue to ignore my brothers they will only stick around as long as I did. You ignored the fact that something was wrong because you didn't want to face that it might not just be us. You criticized literally everything that made me happy. You hated my friends because they were as odd as me. Guess what, the people you wanted me to be friends with were cruel. What kind of person wants their kid to constantly be in the company of cruel people? If you had been there a little more you might have taken notice that the nice popular kids and I got along fine, we just weren't best friends or anything. I got on with them like you would an average co-worker (okay, make that how a normal person would expect one to act with their average co-workers). You wanted me to dress in ways to "help me fit in" and now only say I look nice when you see me just before or after a shift at work. It's called business dress mom and its kind of mandatory if I want to continue getting a paycheck. I do not dress that way by choice, I am totally being bribed. If you wanted to dictate my attire you should have seriously considered that allowance thing. My hobbies make me happy, I enjoy them, I am working to make some a career. Who cares what my interests are if I'm good at them and can go somewhere with them? I thought that was the kind of thing parents take pride in. I got scholarships for art and music, but all you could say was how disappointed you were that I couldn't do something normal like cheerleading or debate. Oh, and you know it was REALLY embarassing not to mention stressful that the other kids parents not only noticed that I was always able to give away my family tickets to performances, but that they would bring it up at the after party, at the next parent teacher conference. Add to that that while a parent that is not mine is discussing me with my teacher I am there by myself because what was it again, oh yeah "Why do I need to go? You're not failing any subjects and the princple hasn't called me". He stopped calling you, about two years before I left, because he caught on that you didn't care. Mom a freaking stranger caught on, that guy only came out of his office if there was a fight.

P.S. Just because you didn't mind faking to fit in doesn't mean I should have done the same. I left school with WAY better friendships to look back on then you did, so you can just bite me.

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Diz,

I'm never going to fit in with your friends without giving up everything about myself, so please, if you really love me, please stop trying to make me do so. And this doesn't mean ditch me to hang out with them. Just because I suck at socializing doesn't mean that being stuck home alone night after night isn't lonely as hell. I DO want to hang out, but not with people who blatantly don't like me. Remember once in a while that the only friends I have live 300 miles a way and don't have internet presently. Try and balance the time between your friends and me a little better because right now you're pretty much all I have. And just because my emotions aren't constantly visible doesn't mean they don't exist, so stop telling me so. Don't try to "comfort" me right away when I'm upset. I know you don't get it but it hurts. And I know you don't get what I mean when I say that, but I don't know how else to describe it. Don't take 'leave me alone' and "please just don't touch me' as a permanent request. Listen to the 'for awhile' part for once and come back in an hour or so, because that's when I need it. Stop deciding that because you don't understand what it's like for things you consider just background to get out of hand and overwhelm everything, as an excuse to just ignore that it does for me. Those sensations are not small for me and I can't just "ignore it". I'm exhausted from having to fight against it all the time and exhausted from having to fake it for you or deal with the resulting punishments if I don't. I am NOT going to fake my life away to make you happy with me. That's not loving someone, and is wrong on both ends. And the biggest thing of all, please stop telling me you want to be there for me and that you love me more than anything if you aren't going to back those words up. I'd rather I never heard them again if the actions to go with them are forever absent. Being there for me is realizing this is not a temporary thing, this is not going to go away and I'm not going to "get better". Neither is our son. If you can't handle me how will you handle him as a teenager when he has all this on top of the crap of being a teenager. You think my meltdowns are bad now, you weren't there for the results of bullying, rejection, not getting asked to dances, constantly being the odd kid out and the butt of jokes, the excelling in this subject and having to have the special help in another. Most of all though, I miss you. I miss the you that didn't need something like this to be okay with my quirks and problems fitting in. What did I do to lose that?

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Zoe,

I miss you SO much. You were the best bird/friend a person could ask for. I wish you could have met my little boy. He would have adored you as much as I still do. I found a picture of you the other day and showed him. He said you are a very pretty bird and wanted to know if daddy ever noticed you were stealing his Oreo . Love you always

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Me,

I think the cat is almost out of food, better get some more tomorrow. Oh and it's 5am GO TO BED

Dear Neighbor,

You don’t know me. I don’t know you. There’d be no reason for us to cross paths, were it not for you walking your dog, and me working in my yard. But somehow, in the space of a few seconds, and fewer words, we started a war.

“Mornin’!”

You startled me, pulling weeds in my backyard. I froze. The rhythm of my work interrupted for socialization. But I had already waited too long.

“Good – MORN – ning!!”

You repeated yourself. I know that tone of voice. The words may be friendly, but their message accusatory. You expected, no, you deserved, a response. You followed social convention; it necessarily follows that I reciprocate.

As all this flashes through my head, my entire body freezes. I can’t turn to face you. What do I do? But again, I’ve been silent too long.

“Whoa! Out there, eh?”

And with those stinging words, you walk away, while I, still in a motionless state of shock, am just beginning to grope for answers for what just occurred. The whole exchange took place in ten seconds, maybe less.

What you took as a personal insult, was my hidden disability. How impossible it would be to explain it to you. The only way you would know, would be if I wore a sign around my neck, “Asperger’s.” But that's about as likely as you wearing one that says, "Jerk." Eventually my heart stops racing, and I go back to my weeds, hoping I won’t see you again.

A few weeks later, you approach me again, as I mow my lawn and you walk your dog.

“Hello!”

This time I muster a faint response. “H’lo.” How hard that was, you’ll never know.

“Goooood.”

Oh, so you’ve decided our relationship is teacher and kindergartner. A perverted presumption, sir!

“Nice to see ya so happy today!”

Hostile sarcasm again. Time to leave. I head toward my house towing my mower behind me. But you continue to talk to my back.

“Yeah, I’m glad to see you so happy! I might hafta get closer to ya!”

Wow. That sounds like a threat. Was it? I tend to perceive threats where there are none, so I’ve learned to give people the benefit of the doubt. Often, it’s a joke. But when it’s not, would I know?

I hurry inside, lock the doors, pulse pounding, all the alarms going off inside my head. Now, you’ve escalated it. I’ve piqued your interest. I’m a curiosity to you. A project, or a toy. Just like it used to be in school. A battle of wits. A story to tell your buddies over beers.

“Y’know that freak down the block, never talks to nobody? I’m gon’ make ‘im talk!” What better entertainment could there be?

What did you mean, “get closer?” Every possibility runs through my mind. What you could do to me. You know where I live. I need to be on my guard now. Should I be afraid? Is it time to move?

This ends one of two ways. You lose interest, or you don’t. If it’s the latter, I can’t predict how I’ll react. I’d like to think I could assert myself, look you in the eye, tell you in no uncertain terms, you’re not welcome. But I’m not sure I will. You could drop me with one swat of your hand, that much is clear. Do you own a gun? You never know these days.

Damn you. You’ve made it so I can’t look myself in the mirror again. You took one look at me and read me, knew how to push my buttons. I never bothered anyone. My only crime, not returning your “greeting.” Maybe it worked a hundred times with other strangers you met, but it didn’t work with me. You could never understand why.

So often in life, we fight over what we don’t understand. We go to war over nothing at all, see insults where there are none. It’s such a waste of my energy. Life's too short to sweat the small things, and small people. But I have no choice. There will always be people like you, who want to open me up, see what makes me tick. I make my way in the world, at your mercy, keeping a shell around me for protection, and building it thicker, hoping you won’t decide to hack your way in.

Yours,
Greenturtle74

Dear all the NT friends and family who've stabbed me in the back over the years.


You probably don't remember me, or you do but you could care less. I was the one that you all pretended to be friends with or cared about when you thought I was interesting, but once you realized I had quirks you no longer saw me as your equal. You would either play mindgames with me, manipulate me, or try to find a way to turn me into a bad guy. Like my good ol pal Sarah who pretended to be my friend, then turned around and complained to her German boyfriend that I was harassing her so he would threaten me, then be all apologetic until she started more crap like that with me again (two-faced dog), or my Aunt who I thought I could tell anything to and I enjoyed hanging around because she spoiled me with snacks and gifts, until one day she tried to ruin my graduation by telling lies about my Mom and trying to start drama.

I just want you all to know, I'm not as sore about all that as I used to be. I was hurt when you all used me, but now I have nothing but silent contempt for you, and you have taught me an important lesson that you cannot trust anyone you get close to. I will no longer allow people like you to get "close enough to kill", if anyone I'm currently close to now betrays me once I will simply dump them out of my life and not look back. I no longer play drama with pathetic loosers that like to cause trouble for innocent guys like me for their twisted amusement.

I've always wanted to write this letter:

Dear the Girl In Group Counseling Who Betrayed My Trust:

I want to say that I hate you because what I said in counseling was supposed to stay in counseling, especially since "What happens in this room, stays in this room" is the first rule on the wall (literally, we had a list) and you were also the first person to say that rule to me on my first day.

I want to say I hate you because school was bad enough without the knowledge that everyone on the drama club knew what I thought about them--what I really thought about them.

I want to say I hate you because you didn't listen. For two years, I kept repeating that I had trust issues because of past betrayals by people who I thought were my friends. And now, I wonder if you even bothered to see past your own demons to at least try to acknowledge the demons of others.

I want to say I hate you because after your betrayal (and, by the way, learn what I have learned: NEVER trust ANYONE to keep their mouths shut. I only learned about your betrayal from one of the drama club girls who couldn't keep her mouth shut because even though she was angry with me, and never said your name, I could still piece two and two together. You were the only group counseling member on the drama club. I am not stupid.) you didn't come back to counseling. Ever. And I never spoke my mind in session again. Ever. I only went to our weekly sessions to get out of class. (The group convened during school hours and rotated the meeting time so that we never missed the same class twice.)

I want to say I hate you because when we met again after both of our respective graduations, you had the AUDACITY to speak to me as though we were friends.

I want to say I hate you because I never got justice, even after I told the group supervisor what had happened, but I didn't have enough evidence.

I want to say I hate you because I will never forget this. And I mean that: My mind has the inability to forget psychological wounds--I can't help it, it's who I am.

I want to say I hate you because you've given me another reason not to trust people.

I want to say I hate you because you've hurt me so much that if you were to beg for my forgiveness, I don't think I have the heart to forgive you.

I want to say I hate you because you've given me another reason to hate.

I want to say I hate you because this has happened and I need to let it go.

I want to say I hate you because I can't let it go.

I want to say I hate you because I have every reason not to let it go.

But what am I supposed to do? Hate kills. I know this--I preach it--but what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do?

Regretfully yours,

The Fool Who Thought She Had Found Friends

Dear people from that school I used to go to,

Why did you want to hurt me? What did I ever do to you? Did you just think it was "harmless fun" or something? Do you know how many panic attacks I had because of you? Do you even care? Well, now it doesn't matter anymore. I'm getting into school, I've got friends there, I'm doing well in lessons. Despite constant effort, your attempt to destroy my life has FAILED! YOU have got something wrong with you, not me.


...That was so satisfying...

Dear F_____

I'm really someone who cannot share the rest of my life with you. I am too broken, injured and the wounds seem too deep to ever heal. I have drifted so far away from the world, from reality, from you and I wish I could have had the strength to fight the winds which keep us apart. But I am only a man. Someone who loves you, but you never knew. Believe me I've tried, but I cannot conquer myself, my fate, even though I want to be with you. I thought about you last night. Hoping you are still the way I remember you, and that my love may still have a chance. I cried real tears, for you, for me.

I guess I have to accept the truth. I cannot change myself. I cannot be with you.

<Me>

Dear L----,

Stop telling me about your stupid dramas! They make no sense to me at all because they never happen to me since I tend not to hang around in groups of 5 million. I know I may be such a "good listener" (I'm really not) but it doesn't mean I want to hear your latest arguments you have with your other mates, I don't know why you even hang around with them if you all hate eachother so much. And also stop asking for my opinions or advice because I don't have any! Yes I may have said something insightful about once but it doesn't mean I always have something to say. And no I won't go and see you and your friends and give opinions on your petty conflicts, that sounds like hell on earth. I feel sometimes you're expecting too much off me, I know you don't see me that often but if you knew me as well as a few of my friends then you'll know what I mean, I don't get into conflicts because I don't hang around with lots of people and I'm not a good listener I just don't know WTF to say half the time. And also can't we talk about an actuall topic of interest instead of just complaining about your friends thinking I know what you're on about. I know you're not very intelectual (I don't mean that in a nasty way, just stating the truth) but please think a teeny bit deeper because I want to have intelligent conversation for a change. I think you're a marvelous friend I really do but just shut up. PLEASE. Oh and improve your spelling I can't tell what you say half the time on MSN.

From, me.

Hey ole buddy from H.S., yea you

Thanks for al the fun times, wait I mean fun for you. You knew me and you knew how "weak" I was socially and you used all your sly tricks to get close to me. Then you decided to use my desperation to make another girl jealous who actually legitimately liked me. Thanks!! I regret not seeing through you and seeing her. And to think I actually felt like I finally belonged in my last semester of my senior year, not! Ugh this is f*****g useless, waste of time and energy, 2 years later and her lasting effect is still wasting my emotions and energy.

So thanks for making it even harder for me to let people get close to me.


<33 Me, you know who

Dear friends,

Thank you for being kind and patient with me. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with, especially when I'm in a hyperactive mood and I start trying to grab your hair or put things in my mouth. Thank you to everyone who has tried to teach me how to act in appropriate manner. I know sometimes it seems like the advice has gone right through me, but I do try to use it.



Dear boyfriend,

Thank you for being so kind, respectful and supportive. You really are amazing. You've improved my self esteem immensely, and I cannot even begin to describe how I feel for you. Your love and understanding helps me get through the day when I'm feeling low.



Dear mum,

Thank you for finally giving serious consideration to the thought that I may have Asperger's Syndrome. For a while I was worried that you weren't taking me seriously and that you just assumed I was being paranoid because of things other people had said. Even though I'm stubborn and I try to do everything myself, I really am going to need your support more than I admit.



And finally, to the rest of my so-called 'family'

You haven't beaten me. My self esteem is the highest it has ever been, and it can only continue to rise. The seeds of self doubt that you planted in my mind when I was a young child are dying. I believe in myself, I have confidence in my abilities, and you have not broken me. I can accept myself for who I am, and I don't care if you can never accept me. When my mother and I stopped talking to you lot, it was the best decision we ever made. I hope in the years to come you realise how cruel you were to us, and I hope you regret the way you treated us.

I'm glad I wrote it all out.

Dear Talisa,

It is with this letter that I say my final goodbye and to finally get everything off my chest thats been burdening me for the last 6-12 months. For a start your a 2 faced liar and a f**king hypocrite. All that crap you made up saying you was too young and immature for me when we were briefly together a couple of years ago. Yet every guy you've liked/dated since then has been older then I am. Explain that one to me then....(and dont try make me an excuse because my cousin near enough admitted to me you lied) Perhaps if you had the decency to admit your dishonesty and double standards then maybe I wouldn't be so bitter about it. It also saddens me how you have become a complete parody of yourself. For it was only this time a year ago you use to preach about how career based you were and desperate to become a primary school teacher because in your words you wanted to do something that 'made a difference' Now because you couldnt even hack one term at University your now just trying to find the first bloke who will give you an easy life, so you can settle down and model yourself off your older sister. Absolutely pathetic and also kind of ironic seeing as now im the one who's going to be going to uni to get a career (especially when also considering the fact your mother convinced you I was never good enough) and yet you've still got the f**cking cheek to act like a spoilt stuck up middle class brat and look down on working class people like me as if we're somehow inferior. F**k you! So what if I like going to to the pub, watching football & rugby, getting p*ssed and occasionally stoned, greasy fry-ups and classic rock n heavy metal. Im sick and tired of me and my kind (the working classes) being made to feel like we should apologise for who we are.

But despite all of this, the truth is I love you, I always have and I fear that I always will, ever since the moment I first saw you in HMV just under 2 and a half years ago I knew you was the one. I couldn't possibly tell you why especially when you represent many of the things i despise about modern day women and society in general. Maybe that's why though, because your the complete opposite of what I am. And believe me I've tried to move on as I've had other relationships and a few flings over the last couple of years but in truth I just can't do it. Even when I was with Samantha in my last long term relationship, I use to still think about you everyday, I should have seen the signs that I wasn't over you then and we could never really just be friends even though I thought that was possible. I first knew something was wrong when I had a dream about us getting back together just under a year ago, for it was the most peaceful dream I'd ever had, just you and me in a field cuddled up in each others arm, staring into each others eyes. Then when I saw you at my cousins gig at the start of the year then I realised you was the one that I always wanted. You should have given me another chance when I finally had the courage to tell you how I felt back in March instead of just instantly dismissing the idea cus with both of us more grown up I reckon it could have worked. Although Im a bitter, twisted and broken individual (I'd marry you tomorrow if that was what you wanted) Im certain no one will ever love you as much as I do which I hope you'll realise and then you know what is you've missed out on.

There is a part of me that wishes I'd never met you because of the sadness I carry everyday. I also regret how I use to let you come crawling back everytime we had some sort of silly fall-out. Now I realise it was only because you liked the attention and that deep down you probably knew how I felt the whole time even if I couldnt see it myself.

I wish I could make myself hate you, but you'll be in my heart forever. I've even wrote two songs about you. One is called 'Peach of my Life' and the other which doesn't yet have a title as its not finished but contains the following lyric.....

...and how d'you kill the sadness that haunts you like a ghost, when you know you'll never be with, the one you love the most.

Which pretty much sums up what I'll have to live with until my last day on earth.

Goodbye Talisa I will always love and remember you.

Carlos

Dear

Love you, love you no matter what, I'm my heart goes even though you've changed and I'm changed from those years. Love you, love you love you even though we can't get along so much any more love you, love you even though you're friends are a million times better than my bitter, twisted self- love you so much because you are incredible and silly and brilliant and just because- love you love you love you so much because I never had a friend like you before and I never had a friend like you after, love you even though it is a bitter, hateful love, I love you, I love you, I love you and I won't ever say it because it don't matter because I love you, I love you.


Dear Mom and Dad

I all but screamed it
Do I have to spell it out
I'm a bloody mess
How long will you ignore this
They're all making fun of me


Dear Friends

Dunno how much longer I can be your friend. I'm falling apart in seams


Dear Me

Quote: "There is truth in beauty..."
You look like a liar!!

Dear Joan,

Who in the name of everything holy gave you the right to cut off my relationship with your daughter? My mom told you that I was OTM! She told you I had issues. I mean I went to school with your daughter in a school that is for ALL PEOPLE with ALL OF THESE GOD DAMN LDS!1!1!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

How dare you hold a grudge against me, a 12 year old and make me suffer through middle school! And what's worse, you put your daughter in it! I know I was mean to her, but I wanted to talk it over and apologize. Even though I did, you just would not pay attention or listen at all! I know why, you are f****ing scared little m****** f****** b**** who just holds grudges and is a still catty little middle schooler.

You will never change, you will always be the same. What you did hurt me so much and it still does!
You will always be that scared little m***** f******* b**** that will hold grudges so long as you live.

I want you to rott from my memories, from my pain, from me completely.
I BANISH YOU FROM ME!! !! !! !!

Good Bye.