scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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4.
Without giving full details, as they are private: the longest he's actually been away for is 2 weeks. However, a combination of 2 things: the fact that I was used to hearing from him every day and that I don't deal well with change, and the fact that all the drama that had gone on early still had/has me very shaken up, left me sensitised to the slightest disappearance, with a tendency to crash quickly if I thought he'd gone.
This most recent time, he came back as soon as he realised how bad I was feeling. Again, the necessity to protect privacy means that I can't give details, but the circumstances of the disappearance mean that it took a lot of strength for him to come back.
As for other disappearances... well... autism, social impairment- I don't find it all that difficult to understand. I have friends who I haven't spoken to in months, and noone suggests that I don't care about them.

Oh, and to add: I can't speak for anyone elses experiences or perceptions, but the care was usually bloody well obvious to me. The only times when it wasn't were due to how my brain works: it takes a lot of effort for me to connect one moment to the next, so that if I've been shown care one day then he's disappeared the next, I don't automatically think that it would make no sense for him to stop caring within the space of a day, especially when I've done nothing wrong. Normally I can make that connection with a bit of intellectual effort, but when I'm panicking and OCD-ish, it becomes near impossible. It's not fair to blame him for a reaction that is the fault of how my brain works.

Oscillating between 0 and -2.

Amazingly enough, I feel +10 today.

5.6 - Has been doing some hard outdoors work, about to do some more.

9ish. One point off for utter exhaustion, but other than that, everything is good.

3, as my mind is slipping away from sanity and further into the grips of madness. It hurts my body; it damages my soul.

+ 10.

Halloween plans now involve snuggling up to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show with some candy apples and the yummy boyf.

-3.

- I remember seeing a blog post titled, "Why INFPs should not wrestle with theological questions". Isn't that the truth? I can't even tell if I'm real, a figment of someone else's imagination in China, or if I've just gone crazy.

- I'm burdened by beliefs. Christianity. Hell. Combined with my natural sensitivity, emotion, peace-keeping, yadda yadda... being told about a horrible reality and having it shoved down my throat, from my own parents made me want to find a way to make sure I never even existed.

- I'm a ****ing male and I'm a gentle peacekeeper? It doesn't even coincide with my ADHD anymore for some reason. I don't care if Jesus, Gandhi, John Lennon, etc... most famous people who proclaim peace are males, I'm not famous, so people down to Earth know how pathetic I am. I can't even "man up". I don't even belong with the MTF transgender group because, even if I feel more "feminine", I don't wish for a sex change. I don't belong anywhere. I fail at everything...

- I've got a blasted English Research Paper due Tuesday. I had high hopes of finishing it on Friday and Saturday, but my parents messed up my entire schedule. Now it's Sunday and I made no progress since Friday morning... 4 pages in a 7-8 page paper done. And the topic is difficult to research... sort of...

- I feel like my depression has been crawling back, dragging me back into that damned abyss... it's been a successful battle, still standing strong, until last Friday where I feel like I "slipped" and may now be back into depression. Yay.

- Though, the fact that I currently have no friends to talk to in my area, has finally become the least of my concerns. Loneliness comes up every once in a while, but I'm fine. Anyone who wants to tell me I'm going to be a "40 year old virgin" will have their bright and shiny day ****ed up when I tell them I tried to kill myself with a bloody pair of scissors, at 17. Cut that story short, had things gone as planned, I wouldn't make it to 40. Hehehe.

Still... only a -3 because: I still have shelter to live in. (At this point I couldn't care less about food. Depression?) Also, I don't appear to have Anhedonia (yet...?). Once my freaking paper's finished, I might be able to finally pick up my guitar, fix it (guess who broke it? ... exactly, me.) after a week of not playing it, and get back to playing it. Continuing to do applications, since I can't get a job, pretty much persists as my job. But my schoolwork will get easier, at least a little bit. To hell with my beliefs around my parents, I made it through a few years lying to them, I can just as easily do that now. Ugh, telling lies works great until you make the stupid decision to tell one truth... now they're probably going to spy over me.

-2

-7. I bottle up 10 times more stress and pain than I talk about here (and considering all my negative posts in here in recent times, that should give an indicator of how much I'm actually dealing with). When I do get the right combination of desperation and functioning communication skills to make an attempt at reaching out for help, noone is around when I'm feeling at my worst.
Oh, and I had a rotten day today. The only good thing was happening to see a beautiful sunrise when I woke up with anxiety in the early hours of the morning for the SECOND time last night, and even that gets marred by the fear that I won't be able to share the pictures I took of it with the person who I want to see them.

A bit better now. Just had a message clearing up one of the things that was making me panic.

0.

hungover.
bite marks.
boyf at work.

2. I don't know what I want anymore. All the options in front of me have danger written on them.

-5 I'm very adgitated, frustrated....

I have no financial future with this endless, but there is plenty of endless BS in sight! It's been "magicaly know where you fit in without an inch of help or info" since I was born.

":B here's a personality test!" Noooo. I need a different test, so I can know where I can use my skills instead of letting them ROT another 30 years. I need to know where my skills would work best. "Ok here's a career test, pick the job you prefer! Accupuncture or teacher? (as if I already knew what's required -.-) :B Dat help?!" NO!

My intro to health CAREERS class. (Quite literaly, this is what it's called. Introduction into health careers. ) "Oh we'll help you figure out which health career you might fit into best." Two weeks later "Ok, your homework assignment is to research all the info you can about your career. What is an ordinary day for that work place?"

-1. I am birthday grumpy

0. My usual shade of neutrality.