Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear Tim,

I don't know how to put this clearly, but why did you like her over me? I wanted to respect you and not get into a relationship with you, due to the large age gap, but then then this girl...this girl who has been in abusive relationships so many times, and already has lost her virginity. She flirted with everyone, including you. Then suddenly after these events that happened, you started having feelings toward her. And she had feelings towards you.

Why her? Who has better social skills then me, knows how to deal with men? Why is she the one in a steady relationship with you and not me? Why? Why can't you tell me? I LOVED YOU! But you never loved me did you? No. You never did. You just "respected" me. That's all.

Good bye, I still will love you as a friend and as a spirit,
But never will I love you like she will.
I wish you well.

Dear Oleg, you pest,

GO GET A FRIGGING LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY LIFE ANYMORE! I HATE YOU!

Dear Warren,

You know, I spent the better part of a year walking around my house, alone, yelling at you... I spent most of that year crying in my car on the way to and from work. I hung your picture up and proceeded to break down. I still have to tell myself that it is not ok to go bug your mom in hopes that she will let me take your urn into your old room and scream at you. I know that's not what she needs.

When I got that phone call I was at work. I remember the silence between the words hurting as much as the words themselves did. It's been years and sometimes you still make me cry like I did then. I'm still so torn on how to process this. I'm so mad at you. I feel so guilty. I have so many things I never got to say to you. How could you leave your little girl like this? That little girl needs her daddy.

I didn't know it was so bad. No one did. Did they? Why didn't you say something? Why didn't I say something? I never got to tell you how proud of you I am. I watched you grow from this crazy, angry boy into this amazing man. I know how hard it must have been to get past all of that and want better and be better. You did good. I saw it in the way your daughter loved you, how happy she was. Why did you do that? Why did you go?

You should have seen your sister at your funeral... your mom... Never has your mother been so quiet. It was like she was the one you shot, but she didn't fall down... she just stood there. Every time I have seen her since then, she always tells me to come over. I can't even bring myself to look down the road at her house. I remember the first time you brought me home to meet her. Heh. I remember the first time she held the judoka. Oh god... I remember the first time you held her. It's like it's burned into my brain. I'll just keep that there along with everything else, I guess... driving 120 down Superior, your booming "wow", you calling me at the apartment, going to Hoopston (what kind of coke?), skipping school, getting that 'leg' up, that debate at the table... I still get assaulted by twelve years getting ripped up and taped together so they play out like chopped up movie that has faded over time.

After all this time, I think I have come to understand that while I am ok now, I'll never be the same. I used to think that if I did not continually mourn you, that I was somehow taking away from the great person you were.. it was like insulting your memory... insulting you. Getting past that was hard. Letting go of you was hard. I know that life was hard for you, and I'm not trying to judge you or even say that what you did was ok. I don't understand where you were when you pulled the trigger, I just know it had to be bad for you to leave the ones you loved. And while I run through loving you and hating you, I hope that you finally found some kind of peace in death that you never found in life.

I really miss you.

Dear knarrly,

Why did you do that? Why do you think I need to "turn around" in my beliefs? Do you think that if you prayed hard enough that I'll suddenly believe that Jesus is my savior and everything is all fine and dandy? You don't know me at all! You never knew what I went through and the religious turmoil I went through! You think you just saying what you are saying will automatically make sense to everyone? How naiive you are!

Dear ***

I love you loads you are the best friend I've ever had. And I love it when you touch my hand like that, I just love being close to you and looking at you, you're the only one that I'd say that to actually. Oh and why are we still just friends?? It's been years of nice, quiet, affectionate moments that don't lead to anything, ggrrr lol

Lots of love,
Sophie xxxx

Dear __ Sangha...
Do you have any idea how tired I am getting of dealing with your s***? How you take your petty whinings and portray yourselves as some abused victim of me to the Teacher? And when confronted you can't even come up with what I did to make you feel... disrespected, belittled, judged, dismissed. Do you have any idea how much harm you so-called compassionate people are doing? You and your scrawny, anemic, undernourished self-esteem which apparently is totally dependent on what others think... or what you IMAGINE they think. Because it's all a F***ING projection of your mind!! ! I have not yelled at you, I did not say what you thought I said, I did not DO what you told the Teacher I did. For 8 insufferable years I have waited for you guys to grasp the Buddha's essential teaching... our grasping of our projections causes suffering, both for ourself and others. For god's sake, would you pull your heads out of your little stinking black hole of la-la-land and penetrate your own freaking mental constructs?!

No doubt about it, you've helped me develop the bejeesus out of my practice of patience, equanimity, and compassion. But today I've really had it. Today I'm sick to death of being excluded from your little club, today I'm just going to let myself get sucked into my projections of you and tell you what sorry practitioners you are, how smug and self-satisfied with absolutely no basis in reality you are. Demonizing someone because they don't pander to your insecurity is no way to gain ground. You frantically race about through the world doing "good works", telling yourselves how compassionate you are, what great bodhisattvas you are, and all you're really doing is appropriating others lives to make you feel good, superior, safe.

Buddha's teaching is not about securing ground and getting safe. It's so f***ing wide open that you ought to be terrified every moment of the day. It means giving up any notion of who you think you are and meeting each moment without preconception, without being a slave to your karmic imprints. It MEANS dropping your petty egotistical need to be reassured by the person you are facing and MEETING THEM free of your karmic projections. You're all so screamingly superficial in your practice... you can't even keep quiet or still during sesshin. You don't even begin to practice the precept not to talk about another's faults. You probably don't even have a clue as to what that is pointing to... creating and concretizing an "I", believing one's projections, creating schism in the sangha... you probably still think it's just about being a nice person.

Well, you're 'nice' alright. In that liberal, classist, exclusionist, priggish, intolerant sort of way.

I doubt I could have found a less supportive, more difficult environment to practice in.

Dear 'God of Luck,'

Knock it off. I don't have the money or the time for this s**t right now. Please sort this out within the next five days. Also, if you could have me randomly stumble upon about four or five grand without an owner, that would be awesome.

Thanks,
-Me

Dear God:

I hate you for f**king up my life now go leave me alone,

PMPP

Dear

Love you and I'm sorry. I wish we could stay friends.

x

Dear Biotch.

Like it or not, I am ALIVE.

To my Deart Children,

4 months down, 5 more to go! I look forward to being your Papa and raising you with Momma and Daddy.

Love,

Your Pregnant Father


To my Fiance and her other half and MY best friend,

I don't know what I'd do without you. You have saved and changed my life in so many ways. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me and teaching me. Thank you for being you.

Love,

Adam


Dear Me,

You can do this. You really can.

Dear City of Vancouver,

Okay, look. I understand these last couple of years have been sort of hectic for you. Right now, you're in scramble mode, just like Beijing was last summer, spraypainting all the dead grass green and making sure all the visitors from all over the world wouldn't choke on the hideously copious amounts of air pollution that have plagued the city for years. I know how this works; I lived near Atlanta in '96, so this is nothing I haven't seen before. And honestly, up to now, everything's been really cool between you and me. I love it here, certainly a lot more than where I used to be, and despite that one incident where some hoodlum vandalized my car because of my Florida plate, you've been pretty accepting of me. I'm even managing to adapt to your winters and your rain and your 9 months of grey, depressing skies. But, seriously-- you're beginning to wear out your welcome now.

I thrive on routine. All I require, all I ask of you, is that I be able to keep my schedule, and produce my work, and come home after a hard day in the studio to a nice, relaxing, (relatively) quiet night of unwinding before repeating the cycle. But when you send road crews with boom lifts and backhoes and dump trucks into my neighbourhood to tear up the street, shut off my water supply, and retrofit Granville Bridge (thus clogging up the only road onto the island and making it damn near impossible to even commute to class each day), you're denying me pretty much everything I ask. I no longer have to set my alarm for my classes, because I know I'll be rudely awakened by the sound of jackhammering, which persists from 8 AM to 7 PM. It's getting more and more difficult with each passing day to navigate my car through the neighbourhood; you've made even the simple menial task of grocery shopping a nightmarish ordeal now. Begrudgingly, I'm getting used to the incessent beeping that construction equipment makes when driven in reverse, and having to steer through a sea of orange pylons each morning. But I swear to God, you're giving me an ulcer. And the worst part is, you tell me so little information-- if you're going to continue to inconvenience me so thoroughly, you could at the very least provide me with more specific details about the construction plans so I know how to plan the coming weeks accordingly.

Pretty much all my friends are getting out of Dodge in February. Until now, I thought they were nuts-- I saw this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (which I was just lucky enough to have handed to me twice in mine), and figured the best way to spend those two weeks off would be to actually participate in the festivities. I thought it might be fun. But the way you're handling this, I'm beginning to think maybe my friends had the right idea.

Prove me wrong.

Signed,
a resident Vancouverite (at least for the time being)

P.S. - If being more considerate regarding your preparations for 2010 is too difficult a request, can you at least please do something about the cyclists? I know you're really big into the whole "green" thing, but-- they're so annoying, particularly the ones with condescending attitudes toward motor vehicles...

Dear Leila
Leave me alone, you're just trying to worm your way out of what you've done and I'm done with it and with you. I've wasted months of my life on you for it to all be thrown back in my face and to be replaced by someone you obviously like far FAR more. I wish we could still be friends but it's obvious that this isn't going to happen, so leave me the hell alone before you cause more damage to other people "you care about"'s life.
From Joe

Dear Zoe
If you can't accept me than there is no reason we should talk anymore. You've ruined my life enough so I'm also done with you, you attention seeking, offensive, intolerant little cow.
From Joe

Yeah, ending friendships is fun.

Dear ,
Giving sublte hints of how your doing SOO MUCH better than me is driving me insane and its going to get ugly really soon. You have no idea the lengths i will go to. It would all be worth it.

Dear ,
grow up, you're the biggest baby ever. Sometimes i think you are going to cry over simple things. You are also a hypochondriac one thing after another. The only time i ever think you'll calm done is in the ground and thats were your heading.

Dear ,
I am going to dread seeing you every day. Pills have made you a a-- h-le and i hope you od.

Well I feel better now.

Dear you,

Ever since you left I have been doing a lot of thinking about the course of our relationship and the way things worked out. When you left in December, you turned my world upside down. There was no question in my mind that I was crazy about you. I know that you were working through a lot of your own mental issues, and I respect that. Afterwards, I spent the next 4 months really analyzing things as we Aspies are known to do. I just wanted to make sure that I would learn as much as I could from the situation, because god knows I never want to feel that much of a heartache again.

My family said that I deserved much better and I, for the most part, believe them. There will always be a part of me that wishes we had worked out--that you hadn't left. When you asked me a couple months ago if I wanted to try couples counseling, I really had to think about that one. I miss little things about you--when you were being treated for your bipolar disorder, you were the perfect girlfriend/wife. I knew you had my back and we made one helluva team. In the end, I know its for the best that we split. When you left, you highlighted some very good reasons--a lot of which as to do with my Asperger's. I'm sorry that I couldn't support you the way you needed supporting. I tried to be a good and faithful husband and support you financially while you sorted out some of your emotional issues. It was the best thing that I knew how to do, because I honestly did not know how to help you with your emotional trials.

Moving forward, I wish you all the best in life and I really do mean that. I think you have a lot to offer and will make some guy crazy for you--I know because it happened to me.

Love always,
me

Dear Teacher Who Believes Her Word Is Law,

Not everyone thinks like you. I wish I could tell you I have AS/NLD (or have at least diagnosed myself) so that you wouldn't instantly believe that EVERYONE can comprehend these incredibly hard readings you have assigned us. And giving us two days to read thirty pages of a dense essay? Are you sadistic or just stupid? We have other classes and other readings and other things to do. Now I understand why you have been audited four times by the school. Your class makes NO SENSE and assigning an incredible difficult GROUP project the first six weeks of school also doesn't make any sense. You class is inane, poorly structured, and you are a flake.

When the end of the semester evaluations are handed out, I will most definitely be giving you a failing grade.

I wish I could spit in your face and drop your class, but then I would only have 9 credits instead of the necessary 12 to be a full time student. But the point still stands!

Wishing you would have a heart attack and die,

---

To my brain,

I've given you Bach. In return, I ask for a little cooperation from you for the rest of the night.

Thanks.

- Me