scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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And that didn't help?

Sorry, hope you get better, from both things.

*awkward aspie hug

-10
im done, i give up.

-9 was happy now not because nothing will ever go as planned, my website failed, this new idea is crushed along with any happiness that once was. I once knew of the word called "happiness" and "positive thinking" but those have never come true in anyway shape or form. On top of that failure as it is the story of my life my mom is deathly ill again. Every year we go through this and we have been lucky so far but the saying is that it only takes once to die. I bet a million dollars that one day I will see that note on the door that reads "I took mom to the hospital, don't know if she'll make it." I have seen that fearful note on the door before so its not completely out of reason. With us God laughs and the world is doing fine with most websites covering sports and car accidents as "news." ITS NOT. I haven't slept well in day number 3, sure to increase. This always comes with a psychotic break if the past is any indication. It starts with having insomnia attacks, then stress and pain, then a full breakdown. I have been taking sleeping pills and right now they do nothing. Also an indicator of a imminent psychotic break. Sleep deprivation is deadly. I have been having severe memory problems and clumsiness. Sadly waiting for the thought insertion and scariness to come. If good luck happens, it usually calms me down to avoid a full breakdown. Is that possible? Probably not. Sinus headaches are a daily occurrence as well. The doc said I might need surgery for it and I never had a true surgery. Sorry for this long message.

didn't help at all... there's a good chance i'm also bipolar (most people who know me tend to regard me as bipolar, even though i'm not diagnosed) and i was kind of in a high when this happened... or, as close to a high as i get anymore... and then he was surprised when i crashed. it's like REALLY?

8. I feel incredibly grateful for all I have.

-10

My end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road and my end
It justifies my means
All I ever do is delay
My every attempt to evade
The end of the road

---

+10.
I feel like i actually accomplished something for a change.

................................................................................................

- SBI.

Last edited by superboyian on 06 Dec 2010, 2:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

+1. Tensed up this week.

0-- as, I don't know where I am at this moment...

+7 having a good day

No number, but sad. And.... what's the word for not angry, but something like it because things don't feel fair?
I don't lie. I don't manipulate. I don't push and push when I'm told "no, it's too hard". I was willing to wait for as long as I had to for the friendship to transition to in-person, even though I worried and worried that he'd decide that online wasn't real, because not overwhelming him was more important than my anxiety and impatience. I tried to make everything easy ("yes, of course I understand why I was misled for months" (just because I understood, it doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt. ESPECIALLY when I was told "no, sorry, it's not going to happen" and then he disappeared.
<sarcasm> That really made me feel like my friendship was valued for the sake of the friendship. </sarcasm>.) "It's perfectly ok that you keep disappearing with almost no warning and I have no idea when I'm going to hear from you. It doesn't hurt me at all. I love spending all my time waiting to be hurt, and then getting hurt when I finally relax and think that things are back to normal."). Then when I admit that yes, I was hurt and that it did take me longer to get over then I let on (I pretended to be a lot more ok than I was for a while because someone made me feel guilty for being hurt.
Protip: if you get people's hopes up repeatedly and then disappoint them, they will be hurt, and it's unfair to expect them not to react. One's actions effect people, and if you can't handle the pain that you cause, perhaps you should have thought more about your actions beforehand.
I do all that; I try my best to act decently toward him and not hurt him, other people think it's fine to push and manipulate regardless of whether he gets hurt or overwhelmed, and they end up happy, and I get hurt?
It's not fair.






and I feel guilty for being... something.... about this, because I'm still pretty certain that he was always trying to be nice and not hurt me, and I know how bad it feels to try to do the right thing and still hurt people


I wish that things would go back to how they were before the possibility of romance came up; that's when things were at their best.

-3
caught a cold and sore throat

-9.
I miss him so much.