Rants

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Heartache... that's what I'm feeling. It's coming at me from more than one source. It's getting increasingly more difficult to care about the things I need to get done.

I kind of wish there was a pill for this like there is for heartburn.

Act normal and careful or else. #*^%#$ that.

I feel that the only function most people in my life have is to dangle what i cant have in front of my eyes and then snatch it away. The one constant theme in my life is people letting me down. I'm so beyond hope, I don't think ill ever be able to trust anyone again.

Losing my wp password, i hate you. Im ending it this year, no question. i feel totally let down. I've cried multiple times per day for months now, i cant take it anymore.

I can feel my optimism slipping. I know life is rarely fair, but I just feel as if I haven't had a break from it all in years. I'm tired.

I feel so pissed off right now. It seems like I don't have any friends at school so much as acquaintances who happen to be willing to tolerate my eccentricity. I'm sick of it all. The last time I socialized with one of my "friends" outside of school was in august. Aren't teenagers supposed to be doing that relatively frequently? Aren't they supposed to be out on Friday nights, having a good time with their peers? No one ever asks me to socialize- I see that other teenagers get asked to do things all the time. I have tried to be more social the past couple of weeks, but I guess I'm just so accustomed to failure that I've grown scared of trying.
I don't know how to hold a conversation, I don't know how to do anything, really. I go to an AS support group that meets on Thursdays and we were asked to name qualities in ourselves that we thought friends appreciated in us. I couldn't think of anything. I sometimes can't tell if people are being serious or joking. It just seems like it's so easy for everyone else to navigate the social world. It's not so easy for me. I don't know what the right thing to say is. I can't tell when I'm being complimented or insulted, or even how to respond to either of those things. I can't tell when someone's flirting with me (And that's a moot point because that doesn't even happen anymore, anyway). Sometimes I feel like my dog is my only real friend. He's always happy to see me, he never judges me for my lack of social understanding. I don't know what the right way to initiate conversation with people is.

I'm thinking of severing all connections to people at school entirely. If I just attend classes and don't socialize at all I think it'll be better for me than getting just a taste of the social world.

Sorry, I had to vent, I guess this is my way of doing it.

You don't respect me at all, so why expect me to respect you? You don't give a damn about my feelings at all, so why accuse me of disregarding your feelings? Humph, stop viewing yourselves as nice, saintly people. You are nice merely because you can't fulfill your hidden agenda unless you treat others nicely enough. You are saintly merely because you are afraid that God/gods will toss you into Hell where fire will engulf you forever and ever. If you are truly nice, then you should be nice towards everybody whom you come across. I can tell that you are only nice towards peers who adhere to your unwritten expectations at all times. You don't voice your expectations out, how am I supposed to know what you expect of me?! You have the cheek to tell others that I irk you but have no guts to explain to me what I have done to irk you so much. Cao ni ma de @#$@#$, you predicted that the world will be ending soon just because she slipped a F word into her speech huh. I'm not sure about her, but methinks that your mouths are stinkier than rotting carcasses. Wow, you can insult me in any way that please you, then shrug your shoulders and say, "We are just joking lah! Why so sensitive?" I rarely speak out of malice, so I don't understand why you claim that I have been directing malicious remarks at you. I suppose that you are the truly sensitive ones who get offended when I don't even intend to offend you. You offend me by acting as though I'm the most odious and offensive creature in this world. Hey, if you view me as scum, I view you as scum too. You point out to your kids that if they don't behave themselves well, they will end up as pathetic as me. Mind your words--Touch wood, what if your kids give you grandkids who are even more pathetic than me?!

I heard a rumor that you sneered when you mentioned “vocational education” huh. Since you have lost, you should go wipe your bum clean before saying sayonara to us all. I don’t understand why you are still lingering here as if you have nowhere else to go. I feel so sorry for you and all your colleagues. You people subscribe to this crazy notion that as long as you show that you are smart and competent and as efficient as robots, then you can get so arrogant that you treat people like me as idiots. When I read that you people have ganged up together to brainstorm ways and means to cultivate morals in the next generation, I laughed out loud. If you are so eager to cultivate morals, go cultivate morals in yourselves first. As for me, the more I interact with you, the more I realize that “gray areas” trump morals. Nowadays, I don’t care much about morals anymore.

You claim that I have social phobia. I claim that I merely suffer from a phobia of you. You claim that I have depression. I claim that I only get depressed when I interact too much with you. You claim that I’m insane. Come on lah, “insanity” is just a label that you slap onto your enemies in your attempt to make them feel bad about themselves. If you want me to “recover my sanity”, kindly get out of my sight now, kamsahaminda.

You say that I’m insane, yet I believe that you aren’t really sane either. If you were sane, you wouldn’t have done any of the following…

1) One person jumped into the reservoir and died, several other people also jumped into the reservoir and died. Out of all the reservoirs in the world, they all died in the same reservoir. (Aside: You want to die hor, go die alone lor! Why you got your son to die together with you? I doubt that he had a death wish.)

2) Bullied people until people couldn’t tolerate you anymore. When people got fed up and poured thinner all over you and set you on fire, you wondered what you have done to deserve this. (Aside: I think that people shouldn’t have subjected you to such abuse, but then, if you never bullied them, they wouldn’t have assaulted you so violently.)

3) Had sex regularly with a woman. Asked her for money regularly. Announced to her that you would be marrying another woman. She grabbed a dumbbell and smashed your skull with it. (Aside: You two are equally crazy.)

(To The_Postmaster: Yes, a dog is a man's best friend because it doesn't judge.)

All I can say is, "Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!"

I want routine.....I want routine.....I want routine!! !! !! !! ! Why is it my routine is getting shoved in the ground? Sometimes I feel like I can't take it. Everything is so unpredictable. I can't take that. I want routine. I want to be carefree like I was as a child. This has nothing to do with my family. I want my family with me. I am under stress. I have anxiety...anxiety...and more anxiety. Please...there has to be something better. I don't know what people want. I am getting a headache right now. I just want to be home in bed working on my project on the computer. For those of you who are still children and living at home---please believe me when I say enjoy your life. Here it is Monday morning and the stress of this day so far makes me feel like it's the end of the week. This morning I feel like I am heading into a terrible tunnel with no exit.

I'm feeling ignored! Some people are so rude...

Please, please. No one prepared me for this. I was not told life would be this painful. What did I do and how do I fix it. Please, please, what did I do. Jeez. The world itself is as dumb as a brick. We can see how we could change it but the laws of the universe won't cooperate. What is the point. Make it end. My God.

You're right. Thank you. :}

Right now I'm in such a panicky state, not even xanax is taking the edge off.
My neuro psycologist finally reffered me to get a diagnosis, it only took 2 appointments and 90 euros of my money, for something wich I've asked from day 1.
I needed to visit my doctor another 3 times in total, for referrals, medication for anxiety and a decent health paper, wich appearantly won't hold up if taken under a loop. -69 euros.
I'm unemployed and about to get kicked off unemployment because I can't seem to get an appointment in time anywhere, all I get is, sorry, we are booked till christmas.
After writing down issues, taking my family tree under the loop, I've learned today that I've pretty much been oblivious to all the symptoms my mother shows.

I tryed talking to her for a few minutes, about that I always felt out of place as a kid, the dog walked in, and boom, no matter how much I was trying to talk to her, no matter how much I alerted her of her behaviour of completely ignoring me for the dog, she was focused on the dog. I worked the dog out of the room (gently) closed the door and took one final attempt, in this conversation, the topic kept returning to her, her problems and how she feels. Also everything I say, is held against me in a way of "we din'd do this to you", "we took good care of you", numerous attempts of explaining it's who I am and not who they make me, also fail to stop this.

So yes, I'm about to lose my source of income, can't really talk to anyone when I feel like it, when my friend returns from work, I've lost the will to talk.
But for some reason, I'm stressed from here to Tokyo, but as usual, am lacking an emotionial output, like it's been for years.
Something tells me if I get hit by a car today, end up being homeless and all my closest relatives die, I still wouldn't be able to care. It seems my emotional wires are crossed, when I need to cry, I feel anger, and while it's not directed anger, not even at my mother, it's just there and it will most likely fade in the next 20 minutes like it usually does.