Why does no one want me to have a relationship?

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06 Mar 2019, 9:38 pm

Marknis wrote:

My mind keeps telling me getting a relationship needs to happen immediately or I am missing opportunities because it feels like most women in my age range are already in relationships and it makes me fearful that my chances are getting fewer and fewer even if I try to get better. How can I change this outlook?

Well you don't have to date women your age, and just because it feels like they're all already in relationships doesn't mean that's the case. I'm sure you don't know the relationship status of every mid 20s to early 30s woman in your area.

You seem to have a sense of urgency, and you could use it to your advantage, but currently it's misplaced. Your first step is to accept that as much as you want a girlfriend now, under your current life circumstances, the vast majority of women are unlikely to be interested in you romantically, and that's only going to get worse for you as you keep getting older. After you've swallowed that pill, then you accept the fact that the idea of a relationship must be put on the backburner and you start pursuing goals that will get you closer to being an attractive option to women, like what I've mentioned above. Remind yourself that if you don't, your chances of getting a relationship will remain exceptionally low and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself for that.

Marknis wrote:

I actually have taken some community college classes (It's all I can realistically afford at my income level). I was told college was going to be better for me socially than high school was but my experiences were disappointing and underwhelming. Supposedly college is meant to help you discover endless possibilities for future goals but I didn't see that there.

No, college (or whatever tertiary education you're pursuing) is there to equip you with the skills you need for whatever career you're pursuing. If you don't have a clear idea of what specific career you would like to pursue, I'd advise not doing any higher education until you've reflected, researched and have a clear career plan.

Sarahsmith
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07 Mar 2019, 4:31 pm

I dont think physical appearence has much to do with getting a date because ugly people get dates all the time. But it couldnt hurt to get in shape. It might help. Ill be losing weight soon because my medication will be reduced. But I doubt that will help me get a date. I dont get dates because I dont know how to socialize. I dont go to bars. I can understand why Mark feels hopeless. I too am looking at a long future of lonleyness.

The Grand Inquisitor
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07 Mar 2019, 6:31 pm

Sarahsmith wrote:

Being physically unappealing doesn't mean you can't get a relationship (though it makes it harder), but that in conjunction with being dependent and living at home at 30, working a dead-end job and not having much in the way of career prospects and a stable financial situation, and making such poor health choices that you become pre-diabetic but still choose to change nothing about your diet or health, makes it a huge challenge. A woman who would choose a man with that situation would have to have such little going for her that she can't do any better. Women who can get better suitors will choose better suitors, and most people don't want to settle.

It's also worth noting that when ugly people pair up, it tends to be with each other, or if not, they have the means to compensate for their unappealing appearance, like in the case of a pretty woman pairing with an ugly old billionaire.

If Marknis wants to change his situation, his best bet is improving on some of the negatives I listed above. He doesn't have to become perfect, and maybe he doesn't need to improve on all of them, but as it stands he's not an appealing dating prospect. The impairment in social skills that most of us on the spectrum experience won't be helping either

kraftiekortie
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07 Mar 2019, 6:36 pm

Honestly, I feel that women can SENSE his desperation. That's the main problem. Not his heaviness. Not his financial situation.

When women can sense mine, I did very poorly......

The main thing that Mark should do is cultivate his own interests----apart from an interest in finding a lover.

enz
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07 Mar 2019, 6:50 pm

Look up on youtube "vippasana testimonials" I think it would help you alot

sly279
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07 Mar 2019, 7:03 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

Women don’t have super powers.
If it was true they’d sense abusive men and men who manipulate them.

If a lot of women say it’s becauss our financial situation then why not take them at their word?

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kraftiekortie
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07 Mar 2019, 7:10 pm

Why? Because I experienced what I stated. Women can sense a man's desperation. And it turns them off.

I wish it didn't have anything to do with "social Darwinism"---but, in part, it does have something to do with it.

Of course, there are women who care about a man's finances. But there are also women who don't give a damn about that. They might have gone out with a man who had a car, etc......yet had nothing else going for them.

sly279
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07 Mar 2019, 7:23 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

The later women are already with a guy.
Did the women tell you that’s why or are you just thinking it’s why?

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kraftiekortie
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07 Mar 2019, 7:51 pm

I was actually told by a few women that they can "sense" my desperation---in so many words.

BlueIris24
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07 Mar 2019, 8:08 pm

sly279 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

A lot of times, women are able to sense abusive men and red flags (they get a gut feeling something's "off"), but abusers manipulate and love bomb their way through them until the woman looks past the red flags completely. That's how abusers operate. They know just what to say and do to dismiss the woman's valid concerns.

kraftiekortie
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07 Mar 2019, 8:59 pm

I don't believe either Sly or Mark would ever abuse a woman.

They just need to get more confidence, and more experience around decent people.

enz
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07 Mar 2019, 10:32 pm

BlueIris24 wrote:

Marknis, I can safely say all of us here want you to be able to find a relationship that makes you happy. If we didn't, we wouldn't bother trying to give advice on how you could improve your situation. While the suggestions offered aren't going to instantly land you a girlfriend, they could help you improve your life significantly, and working to improve yourself shows that you aren't content to just sit and let life pass you by. It also shows maturity, because it shows that you're willing to take some steps yourself to change parts of your situation.

The Grand Inquisitor has given you lots of good advice, as losing weight and becoming financially independent will make you much more desirable in the dating market. If you're able to, it wouldn't hurt to take a few courses at your local community college, or try a trade school. As far as losing weight goes, 80% of it is about diet. You need to maintain a caloric deficit (there are apps and calculators that can help you with this), and make sure you're burning more calories than you're taking in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z_TX70EKDE

The Grand Inquisitor
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08 Mar 2019, 2:19 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

Cultivating interests wouldn't hurt, and I understand what you mean about sensing desperation being a problem, but I disagree that his living/working situation, financial situation and unaddressed risk of developing diabetes aren't the main problems. That sense of desperation will disappear when he feels like he has options, which currently isn't the case, but could be changed by working on what I listed above.

magz
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08 Mar 2019, 3:22 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

I don't believe either Sly or Mark would ever abuse a woman.

Depends on the definition of "abuse".
Being burdened with constant complaints and low mood is hard to bear in long term, even if we don't count this as abuse.

I had a boyfriend like this. Always frustrated, never able to stand up and do something to change things for the better. Hanging on me with all the weight of his real and imagined problems.
With all his strict moral code, he had some pretty manipulative ways to keep our relationship like that.
Abusive or not, it was unhealthy.

I was so glad to learn that years later he dumped an abusive girlfriend. It meant he matured

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Fireblossom
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08 Mar 2019, 6:20 am

sly279 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

It's not a super power, it's one kind of social skill that socially talented people, women and men, often have.

Fnord
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08 Mar 2019, 9:41 am

Fireblossom wrote:

sly279 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

Honestly, I feel that women can SENSE his desperation. That's the main problem. Not his heaviness. Not his financial situation. When women can sense mine, I did very poorly...

Women don’t have super powers...

It's not a super power, it's one kind of social skill that socially talented people, women and men, often have.

When interviewing job candidates, it soon becomes apparent which ones are desperate for a job (any job), which ones are merely interested, and which ones are just going through the motions without any hope of actually getting the job. I can spot the differences in the first few minutes of each interview. After a while, it becomes intuitive -- you just know without having to think about it.

Same for dating. After a while, it seems that many women develop an intuitive sense for "desperados", perverts, abusers, manipulators, and men who are simply not worth their time. They also seem to develop an intuitive sense for men who are confident, bold, and comfortable with themselves -- the three of which often coincide with being both employed and financially responsible.

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