Rants

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I started my life off with 3 cousins on my mother's side of the family, and 2 on my father's. From my father's side one went on to college when I was probably 8, and his sister had no interest in speaking to me. Now from the other side Donald died about 35 years ago, and Judee died of lung cancer last year. I was told today that Joel, the last one left, has cancer in almost his entire body.

Once Joel dies the only family I will have left will be my mother, who is 91, and my brother, Marc. I am positive that Marc is autistic, but he does not want to go for a diagnosis. It isn't even like he he has lots of friends, and could pass for a NT. No, not all. When the two of us were about 8 he complained to my mother about me. Her response to him was if he didn't like the way I treated him he shouldn't talk to me. He still doesn't. What an ass! And he makes these peculiar facial expressions when he speaks. Does he see other people doing that?

Even with the fact that the only person who has ever been interested in hearing from me is my mother. Unless you think I should include Judee who wanted to hear from me only if I were to call her. Talking to her on the phone was just very frustrating since she did all the talking in some pretentious sounding voice.

But even with knowing that my relatives were not interested in hearing from me I still felt good knowing that were still here. Should I have mentioned that my father, who probably was autistic, died one month before my 17th birthday?

I know I am ranting and raving right now. The reason for it is that I wanted to talk to someone right now, and I have no where else to go.

My BFF that I live with told me when he got back from work that my mother called him to let him know Joel's status in the hospital. After I couldn't get her on the phone, either one landline or cell, I decided to check his phone to see which telephone she used so that I would just call that number. Her number was not listed. So where did he get this information? Just to be sure he didn't mix up the dates I checked up to about a week ago. Not one call from my mother.

You see the reason I mentioned the BFF and the phone call is when I spoke to my mother she didn't mention anything about Joel dying within one month or sooner. It bothers me that it can seem as though he made up the whole story. Unless I didn't hear what my mother said when she called.

I hope I didn't run amok with this whole thing. I just needed to know that there is someone/people that I can talk to if I feel very bad or very lonely. Thanks people for being there for me. How about a virtual group hug? No! I said virtual!

Why do I never feel happy within myself. There are times where I actually think; OK, I've got this and I can take on life but times like these where I'm left feeling really low and can't do anything about it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I do everything and try and live a good life. But life never gives me anything in return. Why can't the a phrase "You get as good as you give" be true?!
Why do people never seem to care about anything about others? I'm so sick of listening to people. I always feel responsible for other people's happinesses and after listening to them going on about their lives, I feel so low because I feel like I live other people's happinesses. Why can't they realise friendships are two way things where you ask questions about each others interests and get to know each other rather than me just asking questions to pass the awkward silences. Why can't noone understand that no matter how happy I act, I'm dying inside for a hug or a friendly word. I'm so sick of acting like this confident, happy person that everyone think I am. I'm broke inside.
Man, I'm a mess.

I keep failing to remember why i bother trying. With all obvious things its easy to tell ill be proven right yet again.

I really don't want the disease I probably have. I really do not want the myopathies, the exercise intolerance, seizures, dysmotility...

but really, I don't care about those things. I care about the dementia.

DEMENTIA. I don't care if it's forty years down the pike. I don't care. I don't want it. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it. Nothing horrifies me more. Nothing scares me more.

Dagnabbit, how am I supposed to go on?

So I have everything I want..

4 years ago I complained how life sucked. I'd never be happy, I'd never find love, and I could never get a decent job.

So let's see.

I'm 22. I have a career, a great one at that. I really enjoy my job and it pays well. I have a good 401k going, and alot of money. I have a great girlfriend who understands my autism and helps me through my struggles and loves me for me, and I love her.

So.. why the hell am I still horribly depressed? I got what I want in life.. I always complained I never had enough, and I'm STILL unhappy? Is there just something in my brain that's been horribly mangled? I have no right to complain or be depressed... I have what I want and what I need.. and yet still for some stupid reason I still struggle to find the courage to get out of bed every morning/afternoon/whenever the hell I wake up these days.

I blame autism. Not something alot of people want to hear around here, omgz autism is a gift ur lucky ur so smart!@1!1!! ! Autism is a nightmare.

Hi, 886 How are you doing today? Sorry that this will not help your situation, but what I can tell you is that I know for a fact that your feelings are not exclusive to autistics. There are plenty of non-autistics aka NTs who feel exactly the same thing.

When I get depressed I try to think of the cause for those feelings. I'm looking for a legitimate cause. Not something along the lines like I'm short, I'm autistic, my decision to retire, etc. It is possible not to be depressed under those conditions. So far I don't think that I have ever found one.

My conclusion is that feeling depressed is something that my brain knows how to do very well. In fact it does it so well that I consider it to be my 'default thinking program'. For me I find that if my brain has absolutely nothing to think about it will head IMMEDIATELY over to depression.

I hope you don't think that I am trying to be one of those people who say "Snap out of it!" My mother used to do it to me and I hated it.

What I am saying is that if you may find that you no longer have a real reason to feel depressed. You did say that you never thought you would be happy, find love or get a decent job and now you have it. I really think that having all of these things is a really big change, enormous change.

For me I think of my brain as a computer. My conclusion for feeling depressed is that I am using the wrong operating system. I know that I am really happy but I just don't feel happy. That just means my thoughts and feelings are not being processed properly. Like I said before this is something that is not exclusive to non-NTs.

Please let me know if you understand all of this, please?

I had a great day...until I got home. I had been walking all day, with classes rushed and no breaks to eat or drink. Without food, I get very irratible and not to mention very weak. So I got home, wanting to be left alone, wasn't left alone and yelled at by my boyfriend. He didn't get it that I was not in the mood to be social nor be happy enough to share a room with him. So here I sit, in the dining room. There is not a single room in the house where I can't be left alone. Not happy.

So I'm doing all the right stuff-- getting extra info so I won't go nuts worrying about The Baby-- and I get The Schtick again.

I get to have The Risperdal Argument with a f*****g OBSTETRICIAN, for Christ sake!

Because She Is A Medical Professional And I Am Just A Mommy.

She doesn't even know what she's talking about-- she thinks the f*****g stuff is a goddamn antidepressant!! !!

Dear Lady, I am sure you are an expert in your field. I have experts in mental health helping me deal with this. They know more about AS than I do, and I know more about AS than you do. You know more about looking at detailed pictures of unborn babies than I do, and I know more about it than they do.

You do your job, let them do their job, and I'll do my job, and we'll all work together like the parts of the body. The brain may need the oxygen, but you wouldn't ask the lungs to make decisions, would you????

MORON!! !! !! !! !

When I was pregnant and on (definite) antidepressants, my psych said, "You'll need to consult with your obstetrician about what you should do." My OB/Gyn said, "You need to consult with your psychiatrist about what you should do."

Thanks, buck-passers! I ended up doing all my own research.

I keep having violent thoughts. I keep thinking about hurting myself.

Those thoughts suck a lot. But please don't act on them. Please???

How did you ever spawn me?

As usual doing errands and stuff out in public was mean and terrible and the NT-monsters attacked even though I was polite and quiet and nice.
gggggggaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
Thanks gods I could take some time in the afternoon to zone out. Or, in, as the case may be.

coming out is hard. even if it is on the internet to people i dont really know. i feel kinda nervous, same as i felt when i came out to my cousin but i'm not having a panic attack right now so it isn't as bad.

My second husband is starting to lash out at me (seemingly, according to my viewpoint) randomly in the same manner that my first husband did. The two most likely possibilities are: I gravitate toward the same type of person and they are just similar men OR I somehow drive them to it.

I like to bring up contrary points or facts because I like to look at all sides of a situation. This leads people to believe that I only focus on the negative and that I am a "downer" and pisses people off. For example, my husband this morning said to me that he wanted to get coffee at a place nearby on the way to work. This place is always very busy in the morning so I asked him if we had time for that. He got upset with me and asked my why I always try to counter his descisions, I said that I just try to make sure that he's considered all angles and he said "I've always taken everything into consideration already." and I said "You couldn't have, you're not perfect." and he said "Well I'm better than you!"

That seemed unessisarily harsh to me. I don't feel that I was insulting him at all, just trying to be helpful but he apparently felt attacked and needed to defend himself. He is doing that a lot lately. Just like my ex husband. I don't understand why his attituded toward me has changed. I don't feel that I've changed, I've always been this way and I explained it to him right up front when we met and we have been married for over two years without many of these instances until recently.

Another example of this defensiveness is that he always thinks any question I ask him is loaded with judgement. For example, this morning I took the dogs for a walk and they got all muddy. This was more apparent with the white dog than the black one so I took the white one right to the bath and asked my husband to dry off the black dog. He said that the black dog is probably muddy too we just can't see it. I asked if there was mud coming off on the towel, he said yes, so I said ok I may have to rinse him off too. Once I was done with the white dog, I came out of the bathroom and saw the black dog running all over the house so I said to my husband "Is he clean enough to be allowed in the house?" and my husband yelled at me "YES!!" and I was like.. what? I was just asking I .. didn't intend the question to be judgemental of him at all I was just checking to see if he was clean enough or if I needed to rinse him too. I can see how that could have been veiwed as a loaded question, but I didn't mean it that way and I rarely ever mean things that way but he always takes them that way lately

Last night I asked him what he was doing and he yelled at me to shut the f*ck up. I do tend to get frustrated with him when I'm trying to speak with him and he is doing something else so I can understand why he might have thought I was irritated when I asked what he was doing. I just don't understand why these questions that I ask him are inherintly wrong. I think he's reading too much into it and reacting too harshly I've always been straight forward with him and I don't deal in subtext. I don't know why he is suddenly reading so much subtext into what I say. If I was upset at him for doing something, I'd say "I wish you wouldn't do that right now, I'm trying to talk to you and it's upsetting me." If I wanted to insinuate that the dog was too dirty to be in the house I'd say "What did you let him in for?? I need to rinse him first!! He's too dirty!!" If I wanted to insinuate that we didn't have enough time to go to the coffee place I'd say "I don't think we have enough time for that this morning." but even so I'd usually still add "But I will go if you really want to." I don't use subtext because I'm frequently blind to it. Why is he trying to give me subtext why has it only started in the past couple of months?

My ex husband used to do the EXACT same thing and start hurling insults at me when I thought we were just having a regular conversation and I would always be very hurt. I rarely ever insulted him or used curse words first.. it was always just a calm (from my standpoint) conversation where he started speaking profanity to me. Why does what I do upset people so very much?