Rants

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I feel like I've got a boulder on my back that I can't get rid of. I can't tell anyone about it, either. In order to help me, they'd have to suffer themselves because it's so heavy it'd be hard for them to move.

Why my life sucks so much? Why do I have to ruin everything?

I'm not outgoing enough, it's true. I don't even want to be more outgoing, though. I'd get more friends and find more work if I imposed myself on people. Talked more, listened less. My heart isn't in it, though, and it never will be. I can't go through my whole life being 'patient', 'understanding' and 'thoughtful'. No, I need to make more decibels for people to take me seriously.

In other news, I still really f*****g hate myself.

Phone calls suck and people are rude. And I thought I was the one with a poor understanding of what's polite and what isn't.

i have decided to dump my friend. she is an unrepentant racist and i cant change her mind. i dont take the sort of stuff she says from others, i dont see why she should be able to play by different rules. she hates muslims; thinks that they all want shar'ia, are extremists, are all terrorists, all sexist and she said of refugees "i think they should let refugees in but not the muslim ones because i dont want their culture here". that one was like a punch in the gut. i dont think she noticed my sharp intake of breath. it was a neat combo of anti refugee racism and islamophobia. that and the i dont want your culture thing is something i have had directed at me because of my own ethnic background especially since people assume i am muslim because of it. i dont think it occured to her how bad what she said was.
i also have issues with her views on human nature, her dismissal of my opinion with "thats just the aspergers talking", her saying she doesnt like being friends with her other friend because the friend is intellectually simple and she is trying to better herself and the dole bludger conversation i had with her and i could go on. some of the stuff she said was really offensive & hurtful. her clingyness was irritating anyway.
this isnt the first time i have had to dump friends because of stuff like this which leads me to ask what the hell is wrong with me?! what is it about me that attracts these people? if i am constantly attracting racists, sexists, homophobes, ablists & general creeps then there must be something wrong with me.

Moving out of Arizona was the stupidest thing I ever did. I've been gone from there for 5 years now but if I had stayed, I would have my own house. Arizona is beautiful and sunny and warm and I love it. I moved to California which was also sunny and warm and I loved it there as well but it would have been hell to buy a house. Now I live in f*****g Atlantic Canada and it is rainy and cold and I HATE IT. Beyond that, it is expensive to buy a house here... wtf? Why on earth would it be expensive to buy a house in a shit-hole like this one that most of the younger population can't wait to escape? Why are all the gorgeous, sunny, vaulted-cielinged, and large-windowed homes in Arizona hundreds of thousands of dollars cheaper than the older, uglier homes here that have less amenities? I'm so far from home and it's going to be almost impossible for me to get back there. But if I could.. I'd have a lovely home of my own with monthly mortgage payments of about half what I am paying to rent this basement I live in. With a 20% down-payment amount that I could afford right now. With no risk of mold or rotting, no need to shovel out the driveway every other day in winter, no changing of tires, no car rust... generally less maintenence on EVERYTHING.


Why do people even live here?

Why the hell did I leave?

Is there anything out there for me besides Guilt, Confusion, Depression and Loneliness?

Oh Lord I want life to end already, I want someone to care about me, I don't want life to keep being cruel and stupid. I doubt that will ever happen frankly. I hate humankind. I think I would be happy if I were asexual, I could play with dogs who are always nice and honest and I could be friends with people and see clearly when they weren't being good friends and drop them because I did not develop a longing for them. Well I guess aromantic and asexual. I wonder why my brain made me someone who is susceptible to that kind of love, when I was 10 I promised myself that I would never ever ever grow up to be someone who wanted people in a greedy infatuated manner because I knew that it took you away from absolute good and purpose and into the land of shallow competitions over nothing basically. Over nothing. Over nothing that you can't get from other things if you aren't so rabidly singularly focused on "loving" another human as if that's the only way to happiness. It's not even love. It's more hate than love, hate of everything else that is not as good as the thing you "love." Real love if it were to exist would be unconditional and to be found in everything. I want to be ten again, I honestly thought when I was ten that I was going to grow up to be asexual, I thought I was going to get away from the shallowness and never marry or have kids and not be distracted by dumb things.

A doctor making an error and a benefits advisor losing a rather important piece of paper have caused me more stress and letter writing. I thought they were meant to be helping.

cant believe i still waste my time with this crap

Oh when did these forums turn into such a b***h fest instead of actually making improvements?!?! Maybe I'll just stick to random discussion from now on. It seems like there are always those who never want to own up.

My head is such a mess, feel as if I want to rip my brain out. Wish I could get some rest from my thoughts.

I'm a self-centered jerk. I deserve to die.

Trying to pull out of a tailspin at the moment. I know a meltdown/down period is on the way, but I want to avoid it. I'm better than that. Just need to find balance.

OK, I'm just going to rant about Youtube and hope that others (Aspie or not) can relate.

Top 10 annoying things about Youtub

1. Screamers - you are looking at a video that interests you and you stare closely at it then suddenly a big ugly gruesome face comes shooting out at you, making a sudden loud scream. Lucky I’m not old or have a pacemaker!!

2. Having to sign up and proof you’re over 18 just to watch one video - you are searching for something then see the one you want, you click on it and then find it doesn’t let you see it but a stupid message comes up saying that you must sign in or be over 18 to watch it or something like that (it annoys me so much that I’ve never read it properly, so correct me if I’m wrong). I mean, why can’t it say before you click it if it is private or whatever so you won’t waste your time clicking on it in the first place?!

3. Haters - when you watch an ordinary video and then some smart-arse still comes on and puts offensive comments. Why watch it if you don’t like it?!

4. A screen on a screen - when you’re trying to find the song that you haven’t listened to for years and can’t seem to find it anywhere on Youtube, and then you finally find it but it’s just from somebody’s mobile filmed off a TV, and the sound is all tinned and unbearable to listen to.

5. Teenage girls - when you try and find something you want, you think you found it and it’s just some random crap of stupid teenage girls giggling and mucking around, or thinking they are great by doing big huge burps what sound so fake. What do they want? A medal?

6. Three-second videos - when you think you found the thing you want and it’s just some idiot doing a really quick film or something you can’t hardly see and is no point in watching.

7. Adverts - I know 10 seconds isn’t a long time, but it is still a pain in the arse to have to sit and wait for a stupid advert what nobody is interested in watching. Those 10 seconds tend to drag on, and by then you can’t be bothered to watch the video. Like, we haven’t got all day, you know!

8. Bad spellers - can’t anyone spell?! Stop using slang and speak like a proper person.

9. Nutters - people who video themselves acting insane. Don’t they realise that they are making a complete idiot of themselves to the whole world?

10. Taking videos off Youtube - you love a certain video so much that you bookmark it, then a few weeks later it has been removed for no reason. What a disappointment.

OK, that's my rant over with. I just decided to share it with the other nice people on WP.