Rants

Post Reply New Topic

I'm anxious because I'm content at work. Does that make sense. No. And because of that I have to be a bit self destructive now.

A coulomb is charge, an amp is current [coulomb/sec] and a volt is potential difference [joule/coulomb].

I feel really messed with. It almost feels a bit like being bullied, because it's so respectless.

We had to do a big project for college. Basically my other 2 group members did nothing and I wrote the entire thing. It wasn't good enough (as I suspected, because I wrote A LOT the last day you had to turn it in, to get as much done as possible, quality then tends to be absent) so we had to do something else.

Comes down to this:
Write something about the subject you got, and then send it to the others so they can give feedback. It was a part of the task: giving and receiving feedback, part of the grade so if you miss it it's considered incomplete.

We agreed to have our things done thursday afternoon so that we could hand it in on friday, giving us an afternoon, evening and morning to write the feedback. I sent it to them this morning. One then replied by mail: We already handed it in. I asked: Why? Don't we need to do the feedback thing?==> ''We already did it. We wrote it for and about eachother, and handed it in because we weren't sure if you'd do the task. We handed it in already because we have to work today and tomorrow.'' ==>OMG. That's a blatant lie because we agreed to get things done, so naturally that means I'll do it and I even said it literally. And a couple of days before it was perfectly possible for them to work on it on thursday and friday.

This made me cry actually. They didn't send me their pieces, and what I sent them isn't to be critized. If I want to go to university next year I need to complete this. But how am I to do this if I don't have a complete thing to hand in?

How can you be so respectless, and really, WHY? WHY make me have to do this year again?! I hope this can get sorted. But how am I to interact with these people. Acting all normal and happy feels really strange.

This is unusual. This act was mean and low, didn't happen to anyone in my class. I feel a bit bullied again, like in elementary and sometimes in high school. Because I'm that exceptional one to be treated like s**t with this. I, the autistic one. (though they don't know)

The fear and feeling of humiliation and being bullied is a bit choking. A nasty feeling in my throat. I know it's not a real act of bullying but yet it strongly reminds me of it.

It gives me again that feeling that I'm strange, that people see me as a loser, or just different. That I'm a weird girl and even that I look ugly or weird, which really isn't the case. It just hurt my self esteem a bit.

I'm also afraid I'm getting depressed. I have nightmares every early morning, so I wake up feeling awful. This morning was horrid. I felt really depressed and went to college just to feel a lot of anxiety I didn't have before.

Yesterday I spoke with my physician because I'm so tired and sleepy all the time, that I almost HAVE to lie down, and that my eyelids get heavy. I thought, maybe my blood scales are messed up. I can get a blood test done, but he thinks it's due to emotional stress.

I often have negative thoughts. I try to combat them, but it doesn't help with the feeling. Sometimes I suddenly feel ok though. This morning was really bad and I felt like crying because the computer wasn't fast enough. This is really strange. Is it hormones? Dunno, but it scares me. I had to attend something and was actually afraid to go (though I went). After I got home, things got a bit better.

But that awful feeling out of nothing, I don't understand....I hope I can prevent a depression. That I can fight it quickly enough.

PLUS the stuff that happened today really makes it better....

I always have to take the bins out for the whole block of flats. Plastic milk cartons DO NOT count as food waste, just because they once held food. Chicken bones are not made of plastic and neither are newspapers. If you're going to throw furniture away, hire a f*****g skip. I DO NOT appreciate furniture in front of the entrance. I DO NOT appreciate cardboard boxes left in front of the doorway that NOBODY except me will fold up and recycle. I HATE folding up massive, thick cardboard as much as anyone. I also do not appreciate rubbish bags lying around the entrance because you couldn't fit them into a bin.

If I don't do it, no-one does and the bins never get emptied. I don't pay my council tax to cover for other people's laziness and inability to read the recycling leaflets. I'm sure the council writes them in your language, whatever it is. They're mostly pictures, anyway.

It's normally not this bad, but it's particularly bad this week because one couple moved out and filled the bins up. I decided that I couldn't get anything else in the bins, so I kept all the plastic and paper and only threw out food waste because it would go off and smell. I appreciate other people are not as conscientious as me, and that they wanted to chuck their s**t out like normal. That I understand. General waste only gets collected once a fortnight and it is kind of gross having it lying around your flat. I just got particularly sick of being the one who takes the bins out, because on this occasion, it was particularly overflowing and gross and full of rotten fruit and rancid milk.

I feel like my life's destiny is to pick up after other people's mess, literally and figuratively.

as i figured but can't be ready for the hammer hits a shattering blow and without integrity the pieces are static.

Half of yesterday I didn't know what was happening, half of today I don't know what's happening, Hannah had a seizure, I feel like sh*t, and I have the world's most stressy parent nagging me constantly. Fml.

So my younger brother is in college. I didn't go, I still live with them and have no job. My parents treat him better than me because of it.

So last summer he interned at my dad's company. His boss was a nasty man, who harassed him and singled him out and yelled at him for nothing. So at the end of his internship, (He waited til the end because he was being harassed so bad he feared retaliation.) my brother turned him in for harassment. They promised him they would investiate it. So my brother applied for an internship this summer and found out that he wouldn't be hired. His previous boss had totally pinned everything on my brother and made up lies about how he was a bad employee. My brother really needed the money. As a previous intern, he would have gotten hired back otherwise and he was really needing the money.

So now my parents are all sypathetic. Mom posts encouraging things on FB, Dad tells me about how my bro could use something good to happen. BUT! I have been the victim of similar and even worse situations all throughout my life. My parents ALWAYS blamed me for it! They treat me like absolute crap! But just because my brother moved out and went to collage, he is deserving of encouragement! I don't think so! The horrible part is I probably would have went to collage if they hadn't crippled me (not physically) with their abuse!! ! And of course they deny that too!

I wish my bf would take more interest in me physically. He never feels well enough.

I haven't been able to even touch him for the past few day, due to his eczema.

In other news, my social skills really suck and I still do that thing of making too many generalisations.

Why do I have to be everybody's Dr Phil and yet no-one can help me, or give enough of a s**t to intervene and mediate for me when I have a problem!

Upset, tired, angry, guilty and frustrated. Plus don't feel like I belong here.

I feel really bad. I can't think of anything else to say.

Stepping Stones has lost its lustre again. Again! That stupid Rhonda has gotten to me again. I was going there for two weeks after a long break, just for this to happen. Than yesterday some drug dealer b***h who goes there patronized me by telling me in a snotty way that my best friend can't drive me everywhere. I know that he can't drive me everywhere and I wish that I didn't tell that Rhonda b***h that drug dealer b***h was getting to me. Now Rhonda is being a b***h to be and telling be to toughen up. I said to that woman over the phone, "So you want me to be a b***h!" I'm not going back to the way that I was before I got my life back on track. As far as I'm concerned, Rhonda and that drug dealer b***h can both suck an egg and go poo.