Rants

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Well...blurgle.

I'm a pretty emotional person, but sometimes I get really, really rational and distanced in order to work with something or deal with something. After an extended period of time all it takes is one tiny little unexpected trigger and my usual emotional responses go KERBLAMMO, all at once.

I didn't even realise I was doing it until now, but here we are. Hi, emotions! Please stop being all overwhelming and smothery. I prefer it when you happen one at a time.

EDIT: Oh my gosh. This has turned into a really full-on anxiety attack, complete with chest pain. I haven't had this happen for ages.

I didn't get invited to my friend's bday part

It really, really pisses me off when pages dedicated to funny pictures on Facebook are half-filled with "inspirational" pictures.
I want to laugh, not to be told that every rainbow has a special meaning of love and friendship and puppies and kittens just for me.

Sometimes, I get beyond fed up being like this, putting forth far more effort than other people, only to accomplish far less. It really is an incredibly frustrating and exhausting way to live. I hate that I'm so useless and ineffective. With my rare assortment of various neurological differences, I often feel like I'm the most neurologically odd and impaired person in the history of Life, the Universe and Everything. If I'm not the most neurologically odd and impaired, I've got to be in the top 42.
Others tend to ridicule and avoid me because I come across as distant and lazy, eccentric, painfully awkward and somewhat incompetent, even though I'm trying so, so, so hard. It's just never enough, never anywhere near enough. Often, I really don't like being this person, but unfortunately, I'm stuck with me, and that's all there is to it.

I wish I wasn't completely alone when it comes to descision-making >< I need input and for someone else to make the choices sometimes. Trying to get some piece of advice from my husband is like pulling teeth from a chicken. He has no practical knowledge about anything and doesn't even seem to be able to conjecture an answer. Well, I don't know anything about this stuff either! Why must I be the one to have to figure out what to do and then do it?

Now, want to talk theoretical physics? He's your man. Want to talk meal-plan options, auto care, budgeting concerns, pet health, anything useful...? nadda.

I admit this can be one of my bad in other ways, as an aspie i but also someone whom has been a mentor to anyone who needed help that i may have answers for i try to help, mostly so they maaybe will have lesser difficulties. Find what catches his attention and use that to help you both get to a beneficial result. The problem is we are also all different in the exact nature of us being Aspies. You are married to him and you know some of his focus, Quantum Physics is very fascinating and like a toy to Aspies that get caught by it. And pulling somethings from me can be hard and frustrating but once my focus is where desired its good for solving whatever, sometimes in very odd ways but a solution. Since your spouse you may have very good idea already knowing what he likes, bend that focus of now to your family needs and yourself and all may benefit. If he is logic/conclusion path follower present it but budgeting is very very very very hard for aspies untill every option is presented and try to avoid assumptions with him. I get a bit annoyed by assumptons, he may not be. My words ma not be the best but same time any whom try to help need to understand how both of you learn, no matter how you are diagnosed or not.

I am really unbearably sad and panicked. I don't know what to do. I am feeling like I am supposed to be the casualty in all of this.

*hugs for CloudLayer*

I'm just a mess. I feel like I'm going to have some kind of overloading breakdown, while at the same time I'm telling myself that I shouldn't be overblowing things. I just... Don't know what to do.

i was complemented on my arabic today. three lebanese women thought i had just immigrated here from lebanon when we started talking on the train. unfortunately they were right wing christians of the variety that dont tolerate religious beliefs other than their own or inter-religious marriage. when they found out i was an athiest they were like "yiiiiii haarrraaam!" and spent the whole train ride telling me i should be a christian, if i was i would find a good christian boy and marry him, i could raise my kids in the christian way and take them to palm sunday, they were shocked at the fact i dont pray anymore despite being an athiest and said i should pray thrice a day despite not believing and for the sake of my soul i should convert because it was a shame someone so gentle and beautiful as i should not be saved. i still dont get why they couldnt understand the concept of i dont believe in god, to each their own and i dont get why no one thought that the phrase "i dont want a man" when coupled with the same sex marriage sticker they watched me put up or just by itself could possibly mean that im not interested in dudes(i am and im not saying nonqueers dont put em up too but most people dont think that. and why would i want a man, marriage or kids if i were hetero? and they kept dismissing my opinions with "you're young" or "is anyone making you think this way?"). plus they seemed confused as to why a woman was living away from her parents before marriage. why?! !! does this happen to other people? it always does to me. i just wanted to sleep or read thurunka(our crappy student paper) on the train. they were telling me to pray and while they were talking to me i was- "ya alluh, help me, get me out of this pleeeaaase" arggh.

I Hope the world f*****g burns

The film Centurion really irritated me because the design of the Roman forts were incorrect as they did not seem to have any ditches and the sentinels were incompetent. In Eagle a centuria charges in a testudo formation which would be entirely impractical and they would end up crushed by the weight of the pict horde that would surround them. Also they would be unable to turn quickly and hence would be vulnerable to attacks from behind.

On top of feeling bad already, just had "words" with my mother who is getting annoyed with me for being anxious. Really wish I could live alone right now.

I'm really sad because I'm really so lonely. I don't have many friends and school's ending soon and I'm really depressed about having nothing to do. I have a job but I want more, I want to meet people and really feel like I belong somewhere.

Life is nothing.

I wish some of you would wake up to that fact.

I don't feel okay. I need help.