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Cheerlessleader, I'm not ignoring you, I'm watching you.

This is from my blog, and not aimed at anyone so much as it is an expression of what is going on in my head so please take it as a rant and not as anything meant to cause anyone offence or upset.

It distresses me when I come to blows with others. It distresses me when I am misunderstood, and my expressiveness of emotion on the net viewed to be little more than an emo seeking attention... why does that distress me? Probably because I have fought such battles in my life, not only in terms of abuse, but also with myself and my own emotions. One might think that I express with ease, but there is not an emotive post I make without afterwards feeling like deleting it, viewing it as pathetic and pointless. So it really does dig deep if while fighting my own internal battle with this, others decide to stomp on me and stomp on my efforts to deal with my distress, that at the time, is actually quite genuine. Maybe it is attention seeking? Is it not natural when in distress, for a human to reach out for a hand to grab a hold of? Is that in itself not seeking attention? Yet it has come to be seen as this negative thing. People can choose to hold out a hand or to ignore and withold their hand, but to belittle someone for expressing their emotions is a small thing to do indeed.

Each clash with another person initially sends me into a destructive tailspin as my mind tries to fathom why I am being attacked and how people can be so cruel and not see me for who I truly am...but then, I ask, who am I truly anyway? I question endlessly, asking myself, are they right? Which parts are right? Am I who they seem to think I am? I can only say that recently, I have been badly misjudged and badly misunderstood and it distresses me as I do my damndest to be honest and out in the open and willing to discuss things sensibly if I am not poked and prodded and pushed and slapped verbally in ways it is obvious will cause distress. I am reasonable until someone takes low blows. I am happy to discuss things, but not in the way some discuss things.

I make mistakes. I have done a few things I maybe should not have on the forum in my duties as a mod, and I have admitted this and confessed to that sin and have backed off from doing much in way of modding. At least I have the balls to do that and try and let go and move on. But as soon as I move on, I am steamrolled over again and thrown off course because, try as I might, I cannot deal with conflict and I cannot deal with my emotions being criticised and pooped on when they are such a large part of who I am inside. I am the first to admit I am very thin skinned in many ways. I implode on contact with certain harsh words, and people know this and use it as a weapon against someone who is doing the best that she can given her past circumstances and the damage done by that.

The bullying thread was started as a result of a thread that occurred yesterday. It was also intended as a general discussion of it so that everyone could perhaps come up with some theory on it. It was never aimed at any specific person, as one can see from the tone I used in my posts. So that it was seen as anything personal frustrates me.

I am not emo. I have deep emotions and a lot of sadness and they rise to the surface more when I am under extreme stress.

I am not an attention seeker. I am simply emotionally honest and open and need a little hand to right myself when the stormy waters unbalance me a little. No-one is forced to offer me support or understanding. And I am always grateful for that which people give, and amazed that there is still such kindness in this world. I do not seek attention, I seek understanding and maybe, sometimes, solace...just simple words to calm my roiling thoughts and feelings.

I wont apologise for who I am. Anyone who speaks to me regularly, will tell you I am the first to talk of my faults and my flaws. I do not hide them. I am well aware of my issues. And less aware at times of any good points I have.

If you don't like me, ignore me. I do not mind being ignored, but I do mind conflict and being pushed into corners until I feel like a caged animal. Don't like my emotions? Then don't engage with me, and ignore me, as said before. But quit using them against me. We cannot all be vulcan in expression. Some of us are klingons.

(I consider this to be a rant, but it's in a different format. I'm in a creative mood. Sue me. Oh, and this is a real life, this actually happened, thing. Nothing to do with here, or anyone on here. (Just putting up that disclaimer beforehand, not that I think there's really any way to mistake it.) The italics are my out-of-situation comments - as in, now or what I was thinking/feeling at the time. That's really the rant part.)

Scene: High school hallway. Exhausted students, mostly tenth graders, are wandering around. Some are heavily coated with paint, others with dirt. The "clean" ones usually have small smatterings of paint and dirt - they've washed up. Almost all look physically tired. A precious few seem untouched. Occasionally, a stunned senior will stop to point out the senior lounge - newly painted lavender, pink, and orange. Ick. Who picked out the colors and what was their motivation? Although the seniors' expressions, as well as the juniors', were quite amusing.

The sophomores note the correct spelling, freshman who is running for "sophemore president" and freshman who is running for "soph. treasuer" are supposed to be in the gym, listening to people running for student council making speeches. However, the staff has apparantly forgotten that minor detail, and the bleachers have not been pulled down, there are no microphones or electronic gadgets set up, and the lights, which usually take about ten minutes to warm up completely, are turned off. Despite the fact that they announced every single day this week that sophomores would be in the gym on Friday from two. Why do the freshmen get the theater anyway? We have the biggest class, and we didn't get the theater when we were freshmen. Besides, the freshmen spent the day at the waterpark! Offically because they had a "social concerns" day when the rest of us were having fun (I don't remember this. I've had a fun day in school? When did that happen, and where was I? I've had fun in school, but not on a planned fun day, that's for sure. Besides, they weren't even at school the day that we had our "social concerns" day. They had a lot more fun than we did), but everyone knows that it's really because they aren't trusted. Not sure why though, but the chemistry teacher even admitted it, and she was more or less in charge of this whole thing.

I am standing with a friend (who shall from this point on be referred to as F). We went to the same place and did the same general thing (the specifics differed, but that's not really important). Both of us are covered in mud. I am sore and cut up, but I'm also mentally comfortable, content and tired - not the best combination. As a result, my guard is farther down than usual, meaning I'm more talkative and more likely to expess my emotions.

Random people wander up to us at random times, because F is really too nice for her own good (When did this become an insult, by the way? Another friend freaked out and got angry because someone told her that she was too nice for her good. I mean it as a compliment here) and smiles and talkes with them. She's a good listener, and a nice person. The same blasted story about the oil based paint being spilled then cleaned up by students who had to be cleaned up with paint thinner is told about five times. She smiles and laughs each time.

Enter K. K is a 15 year old girl, sophomore girl. She is rather large, ungainly, blond, and annoying as all get out. I'm not putting that in italics because it's true. She is also almost completely clean, except for a little dusting of paint flecks - more like dots, really, completely round - that are around one eye (clinging to her eyelashes even) and a few more drops on her hair. I strongly suspect that she has left them for "artistic" showing. I say nothing about it. She immediatly hugs my friend - who looks a little awkward but doesn't slap her away or ask her to stop like I would have - see what I mean about her being nice? - and started talking.

K: Oh my God, painting is so hard! I haven't worked so hard in like forever! *giggle*

As I am standing there, completely covered in dirt and with my back aching, trying to figure out how I'm 1.) going to be able to hold my guitar pick correctly while missing a huge chunk of skin from right where my index finger bends, 2.) going to remove needles from my skin that I can't even see, and 3.) reacting to some stupid plant that apparantly I'm allergic to. I have spent the afternoon separating and pulling up a fence that was covered with dirt, sticks, and weeds that were about four feet tall, some of them with stems bigger than my fist. (My hands are rather slender, but just the same.) Before that I was tossing bags of mulch over a five foot high fence. I don't want to hear about how hard painting is. However, I don't doubt that she hasn't worked that hard in like forever. I can't imagine her working at all, really.

F: *smiles* Yeah, I know, painting is kinda hard. She did the same thing I did for a time, although she spent more time rolling the fence that jerking it up, but it was still hard work. Much harder than painting. See how nice she is? Nonsense, I tell you, nonsense. I adore her, but really. (Nah, I wouldn't change her for the world.) She says nothing about what we've done. K, of course, doesn't ask and doesn't want to hear about it.

K: *tells the same blasted paint thinner story everyone else has told*

M: (K's "boyfriend" - I have never seen them together even at lunch, much less happy; I think it's more of a status thing - who is much the same cut as she is. Annoys me about the same. While he's less emotional than she is (that is, he doesn't burst randomly into tears for no real reason), he likes to pretend that he's smart. He gets Ds and Fs. It's absurd.) I all ready told her that story!

K: Well, ex-cuse me! God, why does -- *stops and broods*

F: *trying to play the peacemaker* That's ok. It's a funny story. No, it's not. It was mildly amusing the first time, but it was never funny, nor did it deserve to be repeated into oblivion. They must have been bored.

*u]At this point, an English teacher herds everyone into the gym. We are to sit on the floor, since they can't get the bleachers down. There is no microphone availible - runners will have to speak loudly, and the audience needs to be quiet. Five drama people are hastily taking down a video screen that can't be used.*

*Everyone files in. F wants to sit close to the front, and although I'd rather lean against the bleachers, I sit there with her. Other people - most of them her friends, but a few of them mutual friends - sit next to her or barely in front. We talk. K and another girl (now known as S for the purposes of I'm not supposed to endanger them or whatever) sit directly behind us. A skinny boy (who, by my naming scheme (first intial) should also be K, but shall be known as Y instead) sits inbetween/slightly behind them.*

Person 1 gets up to make his speech. We can hear him pretty well, but he's also a loud person in general. He finishes, says the traditional "Please vote for ___ _______" and sits back down. English teacher #1 introduces the next speaker.

Now, the next speaker happens to be a casual friend of mine. He's brilliant - serious child prodigy -, funny, attractive, and so polite that it's amazing. I adore him - in the friends only way, of course (last year, three different people were pressuring us to go out together, and one (a good friend of mine) was horrified by the idea. It was awkward, but watching my friend freak out was worth it). Anywhom, this person (we shall call him N, since his names begins with a K too - what the heck? I should have picked a different naming strategy) has never, ever been rude to anyone. This closest he's ever come is saying, "That was...interesting," then laughing after a particually horrible project that we worked on together with a particually horrible classmate. He would be - has been, in the past - an excellent leader. Everyone more or less knows that he's going to win. Last year's election was a fluke, and people who didn't vote for him said they regretted it.

*At this point, K begins whispering to S. Nasty comments, nonetheless.*

K: He's so fake. I hate him. He's not really that smart.

K being another one who gets Fs - in band, no less! Do you know how hard it is to fail band in our school? I know it's difficult in other schools, but not ours. So long as you show up and play your instrument, you're going to pass. Maybe not with a great grade, but you'll pass. And yeah, N really is that smart. I worked with him everyday last year - 183 days, and the only thing he ever really consulted me about because he really couldn't figure it out was whether to use "loose" or "lose" in a sentence - pure brain freeze too. Straight 4.333 (our equal of 4.0, because God forbid it be that easy), number one in our class, easy. Never studies, aces everything anyway. Nor is he really fake - at least, not as far as I can tell, and I'm pretty good at getting that. Not anything else, but I can usually tell when someone is acting all the time.

S: *whispers back* She spoke too quiet. I don't know what she said. I highly doubt it was positive, but whatever.

*N finishes, speakers continue. K keeps whispering - always nasty, belitting comments. This is for everyone, regardless of how well they know them. Among the scorned people are two people I've worked with a good part of this year - nice guys, a little rowdy but nothing too bad, both of them surprisingly smart - and a kid in my AP class who, despite being a class clown, is a nice guy. I like and respect them all. K, however, is whining about how this is a popularity contest and how they're all so stupid and immature and blah blah blah, moan moan moan, angsty teenage whining, look at how much better I am than them blah blah idiodic rambling. I get antsy and annoyed, but don't do anything. I'm trying to listen to the speechs, actually. There are a couple of positions that I'm unsure about, and I want to figure out who would be better for the job. Her comments are interferring with the speeches, and it's hard to concentrate on speeches with her talking*

F: *glances back at K and S several times, then finally turns around and says* Shh! We're trying to listen.

I'm surprised but happy. K and S, of course, pay no attention. They kind of scoff, then continue grumbling. I'm not stupid - it's a mix of jealously and quiet bullying, if you can call it that. Everyone up there is better than she is - they all have friends, they all makes good grades (ok, most of them make good grades - there were a pair that probably don't, but I don't care) - and she doesn't have either. Therefore, she had to put them down in order to feel better about herself. Fine, whatever, think nasty thoughts. However, there was no microphone - hard to hear short of shouting, recall? Shut the blasted hell up! I don't care about their feelings, and their inane ramblings are really aggravating me. Especially since they aren't even true, and she's in no place to judge.

*Speeches end with ten minutes left before dismissal. I learned nothing from the speeches - namely because I couldn't hear them, can't imagine why - and I'm aggravated. Tired and emotionally open, remember? Not a good thing for me to get involved in, so I decide to stay out of it and just chill. I've been having a good day up until that point and there's no need to waste it on her.*

F however, surprises me again. Really surprises me. I've never heard her insult anyone - like I said, she's always nice and supportive and just a generally good person. She might have a few flaws, but a mean or critical streak is not among them.

F: *turns to K and S and Y, kind of angry (Not that I've ever really seen her angry - this was a first for kind of too. Actually, I never heard Y talking, but F said he was, and I believe her. He would): Why were you talking? That's rude! Other people were trying to listen, you know.

S and Y: *totally unfazed. Turn away, I'm unsure if they actually heard her.*

I didn't mind that actually. Their comments were too quiet for me to hear - like I said, I didn't hear Y at all - and K was the one being openly spiteful. It her that had ticked me off anyway.

K: What?! I'm allowed to talk, their speeches were boring and I --

F: *looking unsure, doesn't like confrontation*

Me: *tired, sore, angry, and completely ready for confrontation* You had no right to talk through their speeches. Even if you don't like them, you own them a sembelence of respect. That was rude.

Probably came out a little harsher than I had intended, which is not all that unusual. Doesn't matter, she was being rude.

K: *is silent for awhile*

Me: *thinking she's done, starts to turn back to F, and my back on K*

K: *suddenly swings around, eyes glimmering with tears, furious, and yelling* Why should I respect them???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (times a bijillion). THEY DON'T RESPECT ME!! ! (times another bijillion.)

Me: *really stunned - not intimidated, just shocked that she would raise her voice to me like that, especially since I hadn't even attacked her. I could actually feel my eyes widen in surprise, then I felt like I was hardening - such a weird feeling, I've never felt like that before, like all of my guards were going back up - in absolute disgust.* Have you ever even talked to them? They're nice --

They are nice. With the exception of two girls, I can't think of anyone who has ever been less than respectful to me. Some of them have even complimented me when I've been feeling down - I don't tell anyone when I'm feeling down either, they just noticed - and I like them. I can't even imagine N being disrespectful. Or two of the other boys, unless you pushed them really hard.

K: *screaming, tears glimmering, blah blah blah, angsty misunderstood teenager* MAYBE TO YOU!! ! NOT TO ME!! !

Me: *trying to figure out why they would act different between the two of us. Came up with the reasons later, but this post is too long all ready.*

K: THAT'S RIGHT!! ! THE WHOLE WORLD IS ABOUT P***ING ME OFF!! !! ! *storms away*

F: *looks uneasy - I had a momentary flash of guilt about that* I wasn't just yelling at her.

Like it was even her fault. She's far too nice.

K: *gets to the bleachers, kicks them hard. F and I both turn to see her do it, then watch her storm to the corner.*

Me: Yeah, she's just... *shakes head, reminds self that F is a nice person* Whatever.

F: She shouldn't have been talking during the speeches, that's all I meant...

Me: Yeah, I know. What was that sh*t about disrespect? When have you ever seen N be disrespectful to anyone?

F: No... He's always been really nice to me.

Me: Right. He's always nice. So are some of the others. She's just being...*deep breath, doesn't start insults* Whatever.

K: *throwing temper tantrum in the corner, looking over periodically to see if we're plotting against her or feeling bad or whatever we're supposed to be doing*

F: I'm going to go talk to her. Calm her down. I really wasn't yelling at just her.

And F, being just a generally nice person, went and talked to her, calmed her down, and made her believe that she was OK. She's far too nice. Just...bleh. I stayed behind - I'm not a very nice person, and my presence would only have made it worse - and besides, I had no intention of calming her down. Blasted drama queen. Bleck. Just bleck. People shouldn't act like that.

The haven is not a place to be
bickering amongst ourselves.

Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound

My mother is a f*****g idiot. She thinks I'm going to kill the kid I mentioned earlier. Hahaha. Dumbass.
I'm not going back to school, therefor I can't kill him. And I wouldn't do that, just hurt him.

I hate the BBC. How can they trivialise a person like this? They didn't even bother finding out her name.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/6911003.stm

*Daniel feels guilty for laughing at the irony in Heather's plight*
'cause she's learning the fine art of social conformity
from the school's might with its tiered, structured and social hierarchy
"they" always sneak "leadership" and "team work" into everything
so "you" can be a good "leader" or a "team member" like everyone and everybody
before “you” and “them” 'cause this is all that's right
ha, you need to be born left
to understand that there's going to be no art left 'till people realize that no one is right
(this is my rant for the night)

These kids Heather described provide the perfect reason for retrospective birth control! I wouldn't have had as much patience and a couple of years ago was put off a plane for having a meltdown because of the noise from kids just behind me.

To be smaller like Austin Powers, or to be cuter like Sid from 'Flushed Away'?

That is the question!