Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear Hayley,

I'm not entirely sure what I was apologising for on Saturday night. Let's see what happened: you gave me less than a week's notice for a night out, just assuming that I'd be able to get money together. I took time out from uni work that I couldn't afford to, made a huge social effort when I was already wiped out, and spent money that I couldn't afford to lose. Then when we were out, you kept pressuring me to buy drinks, even though I kept telling you that I'd run out of money if I did- I told you over and over that I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MORE MONEY, AND THAT MY BANK ACCOUNT WAS DOWN TO IT'S LAST DOLLAR, but no, you just dismissed me, and said "Have fun! Don't worry about money!" as though I could just pull it out of my arse when I ran out of it. It's ok for you, you earn about 5 times as much as I do.
And with the taxi: you knew I was going to pay you back for my share. and I did. The trouble calling wasn't my fault: I don't control whether the lines are busy, and it was nice of you to demand that I call, then demand that I run and ask the station staff for the number, as though I were your slave. Then you got mad at me for being confused when I was talking to the operator because you and Courtney were both shouting at me at once and not giving me the right information.
In the taxi, I was going to give directions, but you just started doing it and I couldn't get a word in edgeways- I have trouble talking when I'm tired. But of course, you're the only person in the world who is ever tired and stressed.
That's another thing- I am sick of you dismissing my problems all the time, acting as though my problems are insignificant, and constantly making me feel bad about myself. As well as having to deal with ASD-related pain and exhaustion and other things, I have a brother who keeps staring at my chest and occasionally touching me inappropriately, something is wrong with my physical health that's making me have a period every 2 weeks and I can't afford to see a doctor, and I don't know if I'll have a home halfway through next year because my parents are leaving the country and I don't know if I'll be able to find a job by then- but according to you, finding a job is easy, because jobs just fall into your lap. I tried really hard for months and months to find a job- nothing. You have no idea what it is to struggle to get even entry-level work.
What problems do you have? The occasional demanding customer, and recently having to spend less than half a week's pay on your windshield. How awful it must be. I'll buy you a sympathy card.
I am fed up with being dismissed and made to feel bad all the time, then jumped all over the second I do the slightest thing wrong- and I'm still not sure what I did, because I made a huge effort on Saturday night- but in your world, if it's easy for you, it can't be hard for anyone else.


- Rachel is confused, angry and hurt

Dear Paige,

I like you, I really do. But your taste in music is so f*****g awful that you're turning me into a horrible music snob. Everything you like is made for twelve-year old girls. I can understand listening to bands like M2M, Tokio Hotel or Simple Plan as occasional guilty pleasures, but being an adult who listens to those bands is embarrassing. I'm not saying that you need to go out right now and buy a copy of Trout Mask Replica, but please start listening to music that isn't for kids.

To You know who who doesn't deserve to warrant a name,

If you want to touch gloves with me, just choose the gym with a ring in Brisbane, and let us have at it.

To me,

Listen, dummkopf: you can't add a clarinet at that stage. You have to go through Blank Score -> Woodwinds -> Clarinet in Bb.

I thought you knew how to use your notation software?

- You.

To my students,

Could you please stay away but still give me the money anyway? I will love you forever if you do.

- Rachel

Dear everyone,

Please leave me alone now. I don't hate anyone, I just want to leave quietly.

Thanks in advance,
blue_bean

Dear Mom and Dad:

;-; Why can't you understand and let me be who I am? Why do you two have to be the way you are so that I have to lie? And why can you not see that most of your "helping" with the best intentions in mind, is the equivalent of stabbing me with a steak knife? If you really love me, why can't you accept me? And why do you end up depressing me, then making matters worse by threatening to toss me into the psych ward again because I can't think the way you want me to? Why is it that you guys want to "fix" me?

It's been a week and the bad memories won't go away. Thank you teaching me that I can't actually come to you guys for help. Sorry for being a part of your life and money.

Sincerely,
the worst one of your three children.

-----

Dear Depression:

How much longer until you go away? I know you're in cahoots with my parents; I bet once I leave them you'll f**k off and I'll never see you again. And I'll enjoy life again.

-----

Dear my youngest brother:

Unlike the other brother, you're closer to me than anyone else here. I sympathize with you and congratulate your successes, already in the middle of elementary school having better luck than me. Perhaps you're not the most popular person in class, but you have a much better start than I had, and you have a phenomenal teacher. I pray that you never will have to go through the same s**t I had to go through. All the crap I faced in life... it would take forever to go through it all, and part of the problem is in our family. Your happiness was much like mine was before it was crushed, completely carefree, hopeful, cheerful, and great outlooks. It breaks my heart immensely whenever I imagine you going through any of the s**t I had. In you, I see a lost reflection of me that I fight everyday to take back but fail to, the happiness.

I know you're several years younger than me, and still don't take me seriously, half the time. You're still too young to have much conflict yet. But if there's anything you need help with, I'm always there. Don't rely on Mom and Dad too much, they will let you down eventually. The other brother, maybe. But if things ever get worse in the future, I'll gladly take you in. Kick the ass of adversity and never lose your confidence!

Sincerely, your brother.

To me,

Look. You are going to sit in that chair until you get your work done. I don't care if it takes until 10:00 tomorrow morning.

- Me.

To my frontal lobes,

Work plz. You will make it so much easier for me.

- Me.

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i just want us be happy i can't though, not like this. i constantly feel like throwing up. it hurts terribly. im very very sorry

Dear A:
I know it's been a while since we've last spoken but I needed the time to think and get my head out of my a**. I just wanted to say that you really hurt my feelings. I don't think it's too late to let you know that I think you were pretty inconsiderate of my feelings and of the effect that everything that was happening between us. I started noticing a pattern that after we would spend a night or even a weekend together you would call me and tell me you weren't ready for a relationship, and how you couldn't deal with it. I started to think you were doing it on purpose, like if you saw me too happy so you needed to burst my bubble. I resented that. And you write these nasty updates on your facebook and all this demeaning s***. It's out of hand and you have to admit everything got way too out of hand and I'm glad you're gone. You're just trouble. You're a jerk. You're a d***. You're a f****** d**chebag and it's gonna blow up in your face and I don't wanna be there to see it happen. You're abusing the program and you're so in denial. I don't wanna see you for a long time but I still care about you. You can't deny my feelings about you even if you're a selfish little brat. Take care of yourself. Peace out.

Kära A

Jag älskar dig.

/A

Dear ***:
I don't know how to comfort you in your surgery. I'm sick of always having to worry about your health. Sometimes I wish that you would die already because I don't really care too much anymore about your medical emergencies. Growing up visiting you in the hospital has turned me numb to your pain. I don't think you understand how much all your drama and emergencies have affected me. Living life thinking that at any moment you were going to die and I'd be left alone. You do it all for attention and to manipulate people by making them feel sorry for you. You took me to hospitals and doctor after doctor and made me think I was sick too. I'm fed up dealing with your sickness. Life is not an emergency anymore. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I want to get better and move on with my life. I want to get out of here. I've been raised to believe I was useless. What did you expect? Are you so dense in your head that you thought I'd impress you with how I turned out as an adult? You neglected me and were so careless! You had no regard for my safety or the consequences of the choices you were making for us. You were so ungrateful and now I'm left with having to be the bigger person and forgive you. I need to get over it and you're not even conscious of everything that's happened! All my life I've had to be the adult! And while you go around fixing problems for the parasites in your life, I have to visit you in hospitals. Don't you get it? I don't want to worry about your health anymore! You're a burden! I'm sick of your health problems!

Dear you know who you are,

The only "batshit insane, borderline one" out of us is you. You're projecting your own flaws onto everyone else.

Yes, I was trying to provoke you, but only after you started throwing tantrums and making wild accusations of danger and conspiracy. If you would just calm the f**k down, I wouldn't speak to you or bother you at all.

My explanation for why I was watching your posts was the truth, but you'd have none of that, you were just stuck on your paranoid fantasies. You're ridiculous. At least I recognise and admit that the anxiety created by my OCD is irrational.

- Me

To Em.
You're pathetic.
From Em.

To Stefan;

Thank you for putting up with me despite everything - not just yesterday but all my horrible little quirks.
When I don't want to talk to you all day, you understand and just be with me.
When I say hurtful things, you know I don't mean them.
When I meltdown, you keep me sane.
Thank you.

Love Em.

ps. you're super sexy in the morning.

Dear AP European History teacher from senior year,

F*** you for waiting until our class was in the quiet setting of the school library to loudly ask me what my problem was. It is one of my worst memories from high school, and I sincerely hope that incident made you rethink your ways of approaching people in the future. You could have done one of many alternatives, such as keep me after class, pull me outside of the classroom, ask to speak to me in the hallway outside of the library, or set up a meeting if you were so concerned with my work in your class.

What I should have told you in the library that day, is that I was having a hard time dealing with life just then.

My boyfriend, who was also my best friend, had just decided to drop out due to being behind after taking months off of school to care for his father who was dying from a terminal type of cancer. Due to stress during this whole ordeal, my boyfriend turned to drugs and alcohol, and I was dealing with the consequences of that, while trying to make sure he didn't accidentally, or intentionally, kill himself. It isn't easy for a teenager to deal with the death of a parent, especially when they have no one else who cares for them. I also should have mentioned that the man had just died, and it was my first day back after a very emotional week of helping plan a wake and a funeral, and attending a wake and a funeral.

I had left your class early the week before, because my boyfriend was home alone with his father who did not yet have hospice assistance, when he unexpectedly collapsed and died while trying to walk to the bathroom, and my boyfriend had no one else to call but me. He needed me in that moment more than your class did. I left your class to rush to his house while he waited in hysterics for the coroner to come remove the body. He needed someone there to console his little sister, she was only seven at the time, and somebody needed to distract her from her dad's dead body that was laid on a bed inside her room because it was the closest to the bathroom and he was too heavy to move any further than that.

I also should have mentioned that my grandmother had just passed away from cancer, as well, and my great-grandmother had just died in a nursing home because no one cared enough to take care of her in her last days.

Add to this the fact that my mother was struggling with anxiety and depression over my grandmother's early death, and that my dad had missed his child support payment.

On top of all of this I was battling horrible social anxiety and panic attacks daily in school, and you thought it a good idea to ask me to answer you in front of a library full of people who could hear me speak. I couldn't help my reaction, which was to yell at you, and leave the library in tears. I suppose it wasn't your job to know what was going on in my head or my life, but it isn't very hard to see when a person's life is crashing down around them, and you were nothing but another mindless bully.

But thank you for giving me a reason to go see the principal and finally drop your class, because listening to you speak daily was painful anyway. And as a side-note, the school itself was ridiculous for compensating for their low test score ratings by trapping people into AP classes without the option to drop or change the course, an option that every non-AP student was entitled to in their regular courses. I thoroughly enjoyed spending the rest of my semester in study hall.

I really hope you aren't such a heartless A-hole anymore.

Sincerely,
The girl who beat the system by fighting for the right to drop your monotonous class.

To Ash.

I love you. It's weird, I know. Wish you would recognize it for what it is.

From Ant.