Colinn wrote:
words
Only just saw this sorry, figured I should type a response... idk, I have trouble really talking to people in the first place, like I have every intention of being sociable but I always hit the same problems:
1) I don't have anything to talk about or any real interests, let alone ones in common;
2) Even if I do, I feel like if I say anything that isn't blandly related to an immediate task (ie. college work) that people will hate me or I just won't make any sense;
3) I think people will neglect me or abandon me immediately once I'm of no social use to them;
4) I act like I hate people because it's a convenient way of dealing with the fact that I think people hate me/don't want to be hurt by people;
5) I think I have something like BDD, I often end up being late by like an hour or so because I see myself in the mirror or w/e and lose confidence, try on all my clothes and just end up lying in a pile on the bed crying and trying to pretend that nothing exists. Often I don't want people to take any notice of me or see my face for that reason, and defend myself by not speaking or saying anything of note.
I used to feel like I could improve myself but I have so many compound problems that it feels impossible. It's difficult to focus on anything else, too. I'm incredibly stressed out right now because I'm in the last month of college and the grades I get are going to determine which university I get in to, and I feel like if I don't do well I'll be losing the only thing that makes me worth anything as a person.
e: to add a little more ranting to this, I just had the WORST DAY. Spent a couple of hours doing the aforementioned mirror thing and completely missing my chance to go in and get work done, then I got back home and my neighbour was playing THE LOUDEST MUSIC I HAVE EVER HEARD. No, really, the bass was making me feel ill. So I left to my parents' house and my brother was giving abuse and making threats at my parents, including threatening to punch my dad, then he said I was "just a spaz"... let's just say we all ended up talking to the police. Brother really needs to go to the hospital but he refuses to stay in. Now I'm back home I should be better but I'm just fretting the possibility that there will be more noise :/