scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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*hugs for the negatives.*
+3 feeling somewhat happy, I have my dumb anime and my dumb bells... time to work out.
spoke too soon back...
-4, I hate myself....so much...I'm so dumb.

If it's one thing I despize deeply, it's having a complete ASS HOLE next door trying to out yell me, with his lieing HORSE CRAP! He's nothing but a fat sack of bullying DUNG!

+ 3

+3... :3 yay. Even though I won't be getting my new camera lens, this week, after all.

Hmm... I need to try to do something fun, tomorrow. If nothing else, open up the Mega Man Anniversary Collection for the GameCube, that I've left unopened, all these years. I should play Mega Man 2, first... or maybe Mega Man 4. Hmm.

I wish I'd start with my bento boxes, soon. >_> It isn't even any hard so why don't I ever do it? Gah. Maybe I'll manage to prepare for starting with it, tomorrow, and I'd maybe be able to do something, in the following days... that'd be fun. :3

-5. I'm sick, stressed, pissed, really would like to get the hell away from my family. I'm starting to hate it here again.

I guess a 0, right now. I'm really neutral. I don't have a whole lot on my mind for once.

Just finished a journal entry using Grecian mythic metaphors to represent the hopelessness of finding "love" and listed all the signs that suggest I have "mental issues", whatever they might be.

So,

-5.

But then I got over it and realized the Zombie song by Cranberries is one great, badass song. I've been hunting it down for the last 2 days and I've finally found it.

+7

-5 Some days I really hate being alone, this is one of those days.

-3, I don't know why my back hurts, but it's not pleasant.

-5 (again)

How the hell am I supposed to get over something when I keep being reminded of it on a daily basis?

-11.....I have to deal with a bunch of my family today, and now am in relationship purgatory, I guess I'm single now because as usual I'm too late cause he already knew a girl before me and can't quit thinking about her so obviously I could not tell him he has to stay with me even though I am pretty sure he will be dissapointed when he finally talks to this other girl about how he's been feeling about her.

But what do I do wait and hope he's dissapointed and comes back to me, or should I just move on and be there for him as a friend like we're doing at the moment. So yeah, I learned this cool abreviation so I don't have to censor myself so anyways FML!! !! !!

-9

-110000000000000000000... , guess that's all to be said people don't respond to these anyways.

-3.

-9. Because if I was a -10 I would be hanging in my closet right now

How am I feeling? Moved, only not enough yet toward Cioran's so eloquently put "there are nights when the future cancels out, when only one of all its moments subsists, the one we shall choose in order to exist no longer."

In response to ZaannV's post, I feel much like her -

"Ready to die, my few friends have abandoned me, my mother calls me a burden, my partner hates me and no longer wants to be with me, those i know make up lies about for everyone to believe, i have no job, no family, no money, no friends"

- I understand; people - both knowing and not knowing about Asperger's - always let you down. My dog (and others before her) have been more attuned and a better friend to me, even partner of sorts than any human being ever has.

My late father called me an 'enigma', mother said I was 'lazy', others called me 'standoffish' & 'he does things differently', etc. More than once have I heard someone say 'if I had your looks & talent', the gist being they'd be doing / have done more with their life. Really? What a shoot (their mouth off) first and ask (uninformed) questions later lot such people are.

Many times, superficial people see things in me I do not/cannot... because in fact, there is nothing there - they only see things from the outside & not the in. Even my 2nd grade teacher added way back when age 7: 'he doesn't apply himself'. They, all of them, have NO IDEA / CLUE what they are talking about / judging.

EM Cioran's mother reportedly said 'if I would've known how miserable you were going to be, I would have aborted you'. Thus did Cioran formulate his outlook on life, the in essence almost 'accidental' nature of being here...the mere whim and/or chance choice of another person that might have just as easily been diametric. Cioran's 'we should have been spared lugging a body - the burden of the self was enough' comment seems apropos.


"the only thing i want right now is to end it all because only in death is peace."

- sadly, I must agree with you. That it will end some day, in some way, is my only solace. Payback of a sort that some/most NT's cling to/will miss life, death being their hell to come aft this life is done, compared to ours which consumes us here & now? May be. As a matter of preference, Shakespeare's 'to be or not to be' question will have to await affirmation/denial.



"i hate how the few people i gave my full trust have completely ditched me, and im tired of trying and every day being agony year after year"

- I was recently dumped after a 20+ year relationship - we lived together 12 years & apart the last dozen in different towns, but the way she ended it is of note. Told me via telephone. Lovely. Trust? Trusted her with my heart & soul...never again will I trust anyone with either (I'm in my 50's so have been around the block.)

That was 3 months ago. She hasn't/won't see me, her request... hadn't been in love with me for years... felt sorry for me, pitied me & does even moreso now that I won't/can't let go and 'move on' as she did. Lied to my face for years (for how many? who knows) about being in love with me, despite saying/demonstrating the exact opposite - love - in every way until her telephone call (also said the sex was great, for what that is worth.) Says she is happy without me - 'I'm glowing, I feel like myself again'... betrayed, cowardly, dishonest and selfish are the words that come to my mind about her. Almost makes one happy to be 'just' an Aspie, in comparison. Almost.