Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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You,

Believe me, if I could get the self torture to lessen, I would. It's not fun.
It is partly because of obsessing, partly because I'm watching to see if I've managed to offend you as well as everyone else, and partly just curiosity.
And of course I'm not coping well- I've lost the only human who I love. Most people wouldn't cope very well with losing everyone who they love.

I saw the quote, and you're right, and I am trying to resign him from his position of central importance. He's not the only thing that is the centre of my universe- I don't talk about the other thing so much because
A. It's going well.
B. I have some control over it. With control, I don't go all panicky and OCD-ish.
I am trying to focus on the other thing and things associated with it, which does help, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him and feel awful. I am trying not to obsess over it; however, in my experience, forcing myself to cheer up, which I am capable of to some extent, just makes things explode in my head later.
I'm not attempting to absolve him of all blame. It was wrong of him to mislead me for months. I'm not terribly happy about the repeated disappearances, especially since they tended to occur without much warning, but I still think he was within his rights. I'm not happy about the fact that he seems to be oblivious to the fact that his actions have an effect on people, and that he seems incapable of dealing with it when his actions cause pain.
However, everyone is flawed, and I'm not going to demonise him for being human. I still think that his good qualities far outweigh his bad ones.

The obsessive worrying about losing him began after he broke up with her early last year. Two reasons: he did become more socially withdrawn, and I found out about the suicide attempts. I was in fear both of losing his friendship, and for his life. I'm still worried for his well-being now if he's alone with her with noone to counteract her manipulation, and noone to let him know that he isn't worthless for not being able to do as much as she tries to push him into. I hope that he'd talk to his mother, but I know he keeps things from her to avoid worrying her.

I don't know what's going on in this case (it really came completely out of the blue), but he seemed to feel helpless to deal with my obsessive worrying (all I needed was reassurance that he still cared and would be around, and for his contact frequency to be more predictable).

I know that how things were are gone, but for a while (as in, up to the day before his latest disappearance), it seemed as though they were going back to how they had been. He was sending up to a dozen messages per day, there were hugs again, things were just a lot more relaxed than they had been, and he was even talking about meeting me in person, which he'd hardly spoken about since their break-up last year.
I'm trying to get my head around how things could go, in the space of a few hours, from that, to suddenly stopping all contact with no warning.
I don't know... I think I'm still very much in shock over it.
I do acknowledge how the situation is, but that doesn't stop it hurting as much as it does, and it doesn't stop the feeling of "WTF just happened?".

- Me

Hey You,

I saw what you did when I turned on my computer today, I saw that blue signal and smiled.

Love, Me

Dear AN,

That didn't take you long... and so now you're trying to hold me responsible for something I have NO control over and NOTHING to do with. What a stupid and immature thing to do. And you're mad at me because the battery died in my phone and now you're acting like it was some kind of personal rejection. You're the one who was looking for a relationship/marriage, not me. I suppose you're also pissed because I'm commenting on the other website. And what in Hell do you think you're going to accomplish by blaming me for that crap about WikiLeaks? Hate Americans all you want, I don't give a s**t. I thought you were a genius, only a dumbass would try to hold me responsible for something like that.

From, TAH

To the one who's too gutless to come back and respond to what I've said against her where everyone can see it:

Look.
One of 3 things happened.
He had a problem with me, didn't mention it, and disappeared of his own accord. This would mean that he is too much of a coward to stand up to his friend.

He had no problem, but you saw some problem that you believed you should get angry over, you told him about it, and he agreed despite saying that he understood, and left. This would mean either that he is a coward for not being able to stand up to his partner, or so weak-willed that he bends to the slightest persuasion.

A similar scenario, except that you just saw an opportunity to twist things around and finally get rid of me. This would make you manipulative.

As for how you knew the content of my messages to him, either: he told you, probably in a somewhat confused fashion that leaves things out, because he does admit to not being the best communicator.

OR you read his messages, which would make you a snoopy little something with no respect for his privacy.

So.... which is it? Is he a coward and weak-willed, or are you manipulative?

In my experience, he is courageous and strong-willed. I don't know, maybe things are different with you.

- Me

Dear ????,
You missed out today. It's your loss, not mine. I shall pick myself up, dust myself off, and try again later. But you're mistaken if you think today broke me. All you have done is fill me with even more resolve.

As Gandhi said:
"First they ignore you.
Then they ridicule you.
Then they fight you.
Then you win."

Dear You,

Yes, I'm here. I've been busy cutting out paper snowflakes, tracing the design onto styro-foam plates to create a relief or stamp and stamping my windows with white and silver snowflakes. My snowflakes actually look kinda Finnish in design. Felt sheets would probably work well better, the design cut out on layered felt sheets then glued to some cardboard for support.

Next, I'm painting and embellishing tree bulbs decorations to use on my white Winter Solstice tree. I'm painting birds, animals and Druids and Druidesses on them. After that there is my shadow puppet theatre which I am still working on and will be for a while.

There is also this rather large unruly stack of books I need to read.

From, Me

Dear Computer:

Stop crashing like an electronic scrap heap every time I reset you. I don't give you STVs from porn sites, so why must you do this to me? Why must you torture me like this, especially during finals week? I still haven't forgiven you for deleting my 12 page paper a week before it was due, and if you had computer balls, I would have kicked them by now. Oh well, love you anyway.

Mindslave

Dear You,

Why do you continue to do that stuff to get my attention when you say you don't want anything to do with me?

From, Me

I hope you're not feeling bad about your earlier posts, hale_bopp. Look how many people tried to offer support- you're a special person around here. I, for one, always find your posts intelligent and interesting- you're obviously a woman of great character. I'm sure you'll find your place in life. You're still awfully young, with lots of great experiences ahead of you. Please take care. Jenny

We're gonna have to just do it, whatever happens happens. We'll sort it out after. Nothings going to get in the way, clearly cos through all the s**t it's always been you and me

Dear KK, I often wonder why you choose to be my friend for all this time now as, often I feel I've been miserable at it with you and everyone else..

Signed,
your friend

Dear You,

Stop flattering yourself, I'm not after your precious job.

From, Me

Dear Family:

I wish I could tell you all about my plans for my life, but I know that if I did, you would find a way to squash them. I've made the mistake of doing this over and over again, and each time you show your disapproval in whatever field I choose. Even when I tell you about my day, you always find a way to make it about you, even though it's my day I'm talking about. Everything doesn't have to be a life lesson; I know more about living than you two ever will! You both died a long time ago, but your body lives on, and you both have aged well...I wonder why? It's really easy to manage stress when you have a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong. I know what I want now, and I know who I am, and no amount of selfishness and hate and cold shoulders will stop me from believing that this is what I want. I still haven't told you that I've already done one open mic, and will hopefully do another by the end of the month, but I hope to never have to tell you until I'm about to leave. I know you love control, you live for it, you crave it like a heroin addict craves his next trip, but I cannot be controlled, and all your years of failure should have taught you this by now, but alas, you are a bunch of stubborn asses. I used to wish that I had a big family like all of my friends, but that would probably be a bad thing. I can't wait till Grandma dies; that's going to be a lot of fun going to her funeral and listening to everyone whine and piss and moan for the next year or so. It was OH SO MUCH FUN! when Grandpa died, because that was the excuse to whine for the next year, and my sister still hasn't gotten over it, even though she never really liked him that much to begin with. Now I can't even bring up his name without her frowning at me...and she claims to love him, hah! She doesn't love him, she hates herself, otherwise she would have gotten over it by now. I'm the only one in the family that can see things for what they are, because I'm the only one in the family who isn't self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion. If you were to read this right now, you would disagree with every word, not because it's untrue, but because you are all above criticism. It's amazing that the one person in the family that isn't perfect is the most likable. I wish I could get away from you RIGHT NOW, because the only thing holding me back from greatness is you all. I hate having to be your punching bag when things don't go your way, at work or wherever. If you need to get your frustration out, find someone else. Haven't you done enough? Then you wonder why I say things like "die" and "I hope you get cancer like your mother did" and act like it's so hateful, when it's more along the lines of what I've been saying all along: "You really want to help me? LEAVE ME THE f**k ALONE!" That's how you raise a kid, in case you didn't know, and for a kindergarten teacher, you should understand that, of all people. Your justification for treating me like crap is "We give you a place to live and don't charge you anything" which proves my entire point about you two. All you see is dollars and no sense. On one hand, you claim human life is priceless, yet you put a price tag on mine. You claim I need to eat more, yet I ate one piece of chicken at 3 o clock, and then you claim that i had my dinner. I'm down to 150 pounds now, everyone says I'm too skinny, and you still act like food Nazis, even though that's virtually the only extra thing you pay for. I pay for all school and car expenses, all my personal expenses, and except for food (which I don't get to eat much of anyway) and cell phone bills, you don't pay for much of anything that you wouldn't already pay for if I didn't exist. I've never asked for much of anything, and the few things I do ask for are too much for you. I can't wait till Christmas when Uncle Shithag decides it's time to get on his political soapbox about the freeloaders and immigrants and black people and whatever else he has a problem with at the moment. On one hand, if he gets fatter, he will die faster (read: shut up faster) on the other hand, by that time I'll be gone anyway, so it's inconsequential really whether he gets fatter or not. I'm sorry I wasn't able to carry on the family legacy, and I'm sorry I'm not the diligent yes-man you wanted me to be. I have a vision for my life, and it doesn't include sourfucks like yourselves. The sooner I get away from you, the sooner I can resume my life, the life I was meant to live, instead of a life filled with negativity and narcissism. I have no need to fit into your stupid society, so stop trying to force me to conform to your vision of happiness.

Sincerely,
Mindslave

Dear Supervisor, to think that I'm being lazy or bullheaded due to the fact, I try to do things that help to reduce the workload of my daily occupational scenario.Honestly, I'm glad that I don't report you for all of the unethical deeds I've noticed going on.Still, I'll be part of this silly game of yours until my contract runs out in the 1st quarter of next year..


From,
Me

I have always hated working with patients and I am very glad it's over now. But I have always wanted to write an official letter to The Patient that would sound around these lines:

Dear Patients and Dear Patient's Families,

If you want me to do my job properly for you, please don't make me your emotional wastebasket. I am the laboratory specialist, for God's sake. My job is to analyse your samples and deliver the results correctly. I am always polite to you but that's because I want to make sure you are taken care of and not because I like you personally or care about you.
Yes, I might know about your disease more than your clinician does but don't ask me anything if you don't want to hear the unvarnished truth. I wasn't born or trained to be understanding or charitable or simply nice, so please don't give me any of the patient-doctor rapport or power of empathy stuff.
And, dear heavily pregnant ladies, please keep your husband's pointed looks and straying hands away from me. You really don't want to know how hard can I hit with a beaker and what might be in it.
Please show some respect. Don't ever adress me informally, I don't know you and I don't really want to. I might look underage but I am usually at least five years older than you and I have all my degrees in all the right places. So, instead of trying to flatter me about my youthful looks, go and do something about yourself in order to look better. Which might as well take care of the previous point too.
I don't think your children are adorable so please keep them away from me. I am not your babysitter. If your kids yell at me, I might inadvertently drop or mislabel your test tube while fighting the impulse to run away from the room.

Follow these simple rules and I'll do my best with your samples and I will work day, night, weekends and Christmas so as that you could get your lab results on time. I will never use you, forget or confuse your personal details, talk you into doing unnecessary lab tests, make you pay for things I didn't do or things you don't strictly need and I won't ask you for additional money or gifts - as other, nicer people might do. I'll do what other people can't or won't so as to get your data for you. Believe it or not, it is never the other way round.


Best,
.....