Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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That's really beautiful DaWalker.

Dear you,

MAN UP!! !! !! !! !!

From me

^ Yeah that!!

Dear you,

Despite what a certain person has told you, you have plenty to feel guilty about.
I'll try and explain things in roughly the order that they happened.
Firstly, you misled me for months regarding romance. You led me to believe that you were in love with me and only with me, and that if it weren't for your autism, that you'd be with me. You got my hopes up over and over again. The feelings on my end weren't just "in love" they were "in love enough to want to spend my life with him".
Then when it came out that things weren't quite how they'd seemed, I, surprisingly enough, reacted to being hurt badly by acting as though I'd been badly hurt.
Subsequently
A. I was made to feel like a bad person for reacting in that way, which admittedly, wasn't done by you. Your something something of a girlfriend probably said that no, she wasn't trying to make me feel bad, she was just trying to protect you, but tell me this: where was her so-called protectiveness back when you'd been being driven to suicide because you couldn't handle the relationship and she wouldn't let go? (I still have the messages where you mentioned these things...)

B. You disappeared, which, coming as it did right after you rejected me romantically, gave me the impression that my friendship hadn't really been valued at all, and that you'd only kept me around as a backup option, and that now that things were fine again between you and that person, I was no longer necessary.

Then, over the next few months, you kept disappearing, which in itself was hurtful, but it was compounded by the fact that a certain person kept making posts about how you talked to her all the time, morning and night (if that wasn't taunting, then why didn't she do it BEFORE I got hurt?), and by the fact that I was forcing myself to quash all feelings of disappointment about the romantic rejection, because I felt guilty about being anything except completely happy for you. And you know what? I should not have had to feel guilty. You misled me for months, you hurt me in a major way; my being hurt was a perfectly normal reaction.

I explain to you that I'm ok with not talking every day, but that I would like some indication of how often you'll be around, because the unpredictability of things is damaging me. You apologise, and say you'll try and let me know. You continue to disappear. You keep doing things like this: apologising, then doing the EXACT SAME THINGS that you apologised for, which makes the apologies ring hollow. I think that well, maybe he just forgot that he'd said he'd try to do x. Then I see posts from you claiming to have a perfect memory for what people say to you, and I'm lead to conclude that you must just not think I'm worth the effort of not hurting repeatedly.

During these months, the only time you're really talkative is when things aren't going well with you and that person, which suggests one of two things:
That I'm only important as a backup option
OR
That it's only when things aren't super-wonderfully-fantastic with her that you remember you have other friends and that they are important to you.
Whichever it is, it makes me feel rotten and like I'm seen as a second-class friend.

Then this recent disappearance: I mention pain, stressing that you should not feel guilty and that it is mainly residual pain and the tail end of grief. You say you understand and that you're sorry I'm hurting. Then that person sends a nasty open letter, and you disappear. If you'd had a problem with what I said, you should have talked through it with me. It was cowardly and cruel of you to act like everything was fine and then turn around and hurt me when I was down and vulnerable. It was cowardly of you not to be able to stand up to me if I was upsetting you.

All this affects my physical as well as mental wellbeing, and completely messes up my sleep patterns. I literally cannot remember the last time I had more than 2 consecutive nights of decent, unbroken sleep. And you know what? It would have been simple for you to make things better, All you had to do was be a bit more predictable, and show by your actions that my friendship was valuable to you.

So yeah. You have PLENTY to feel guilty about.

Let me remind me of some of the things you said in the fairly recent past:

Liar.



Liar.





If that's the case, then why did you take the slightest opportunity to hurt me so badly? If you really meant all the nice things you've said about me, you would have looked at all the good instead of just jumping on the slightest thing that I do wrong.

Now, that something something of a person, if she sees this, will probably say that I'm trying to make you feel like you're a bad person. I'm not. I still think you're a a good and worthwhile person. However, even the best people do wrong, and their goodness doesn't absolve them of guilt for their wrongdoing.
I'd be insulting you if I said that oh no, you shouldn't feel bad for behaving hurtfully, because you know what? Even 2-year-olds are held accountable for their actions, and anyone who says that you shouldn't be accountable for yours is essentially calling you approximately as capable as an infant.
You aren't an infant; you are a good and strong man, and I wish you'd act like the person who you are.

- Me

Hey You.

Dear AB

Thanks for the card. I guess I haven't left it too long, phew I always worry about that. Well I guess it's time to get my birthday plans sorted, and you're invited of course

Dear TTT,

I'm fine and doing well. I'm liking Routemasters and the 60s, again. I couldn't stay knocked down for long. I'm a fighter. It's impossible to know what level a person functions at, when you have no means of observing them. You know that I'm going to post about my special interests, as often or as little as I wish. There's something on the Internet that's called The Disability Spread that you might want to look at. I hope that you're doing well and that you have a Merry Christmas

CCC

Hey You. It's nice to see you and I hope you're staying warm.

dear me
keep being awesome as you decided to be awesome as a career

me

Dear you,

Considering how badly you've hurt me, I'm not sure why I still love you and care for you, but I do, and I still think you're a good and worthwhile person. And I hope you have a good Christmas.







- Me

Dear myself, I'm going to keep pushing forward even if it takes me 70yrs!


From myself...

Dear me,

Get your pasty white ass out of bed at 8:30 in the morning instead of 10. It will do you wonders. Oh yeah, and quit thinking about stuff, and start doing the things you are thinking about. And stop writing yourself notes, dumb s**t! Didn't I tell you already to go out and do your thing? You have 6 days to write the most important essay of your life, and you haven't even started?? This is the only essay that's ever been worth half a f**k, and here you are on some stupid site for wimps as if somehow you are better'n them? And why do you have to insult everyone? Can't you just get along with people? Isn't that what you tell everyone else? Do the rules not apply to you, s**t head? I guess not. Now go get me a root beer, and be quick about it! Dingle berry.

Signed,
Mindslave

P.S. Stop slouching in your chair. It's no wonder your back always hurts, moron! Sitting up also helps combat depression. Being a whiny b***h never impressed anyone...except mental health professionals that make a fortune off puss cakes like yourself. Then again, you insult them too. WHY SO SERIOUS??? And are you really going to post this?

Hey You, It's nice to see you again this afternoon. But you already know that, yes. So I'm just going to smile and say no more.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To MindSlave, Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure you're not as bad as you think you are, I never was.
From, TaupeyAna
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Headache, GO A WAY! You are making me feel horrible and I have some Excederin with your name on it.
From, Me and My Head.

To you,

I wish you would understand that I did try all my life, and that I continue to try and do my best, but eventho some things come naturally to you, they don't to me. As much as I try, this NT game is not my game and I don't play well, my best "defense" is to be silent.

You think I don't make efforts because you don't understand how much I struggle every day for little things that are so easy for you, like the sound when I grind coffee for you every day, that sound makes me cringe inside like you wouldn't believe, but I still do it for you.

I think if you knew, if you were even willing to listen when I try to explain, there wouldn't be so many misunderstandings, you would realise how much I care.

Dear you,

Not manipulative? Not a liar? A veritable saint, you say? Here are a few of the things you've said to me. I've edited your name off them for privacy, and edited all but the most pertinent parts of the messages out, but anyone familiar with the situation will know what's going on. I hate having to do this, but without hard evidence of what you've done, it's your word against mine. I wish I could reproduce all of the messages, because without them it's hard to show the slide from pretending to like me, to making me feel guilty for reacting normally to immense pain.
I'm sure there's more that I could add, but I was starting to get physically ill from looking at your messages, so I had to stop reading.

Firstly: your claims to like me.







On 3 different occasions, you said outright that you liked me. Now contrast it with this:



You didn't outright lie? In my universe, saying things that aren't true is lying. It doesn't matter if you think they might one day be true. Besides, that wasn't the reason, you just wanted me onside in case you needed backup when you were trying to break him up with the other one.
(more follows below; the number of images means that I had to break this into multiple parts)

(and continuing...)



Now, the above is you admitting to being jealous.

However, contrast it with this:





Either you ARE jealous, or you DO NOT have a problem with him being with multiple people. You can't have it both ways.
And “as long as they're good for him?” Ha. What you really meant was “as long as they're me”. Unless, of course, by good for him, you meant “people who pressure and beg for a relationship even after multiple breakups (oh, and it wasn't just the other one who accused you of begging, he mentioned it too, and said that you “couldn't let go”) , and who make him feel so bad that he twice tries to kill himself”.

More on jealousy and your general hypocrisy:



Nice hypocrisy there. Quoting something that he said after the “bad dream” incident: “I love it how people say “I trust you, but I don't trust her!” Now, you'll probably try to say that he was talking about the other one, not you, but he used the word “people”, not person, and it was in the context of you having forbidden him to speak to me. It's pretty obvious that he was talking about you.



Now isn't it interesting that multiple people have a problem with you? Tell me, what's different about this situation?



If you'd become friends while he was already with someone, you probably would have flipped out, got all jealous, and demanded a relationship.
Which is totally not at all worse than expressing sadness at the loss of the possibility of a relationship when one has been told for months that it might happen and that the other person wants it to happen.
You contradict yourself so much with your hypocrisy. It's a wonder you can get a coherent sentence out without changing your opinion in the middle of it.



Back to this one: having spoken to her and heard her side of things (why do I not just disregard what she says, you ask? Why believe her? 2 reasons: I've seen how you operate, and what she says matches up with what he's said to me. There is more evidence of her truthfulness than of yours), I can see why she was so hurt and why she reacted so badly to things. I don't agree with all of her actions, but I don't think that she is the evil, manipulative monster that you've tried to paint her as.