scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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No matter how bad I felt,
enough to cut my face and body,
enough to make me scream inside, to scare my mother with fears of my life
I took you in hand, gave you more social life than I ever could say.
Two times a year, more than I ever said I could handle up till then
Everything I gave you each day,
thinking that it would be appreciated with a hug forever, and I remember you said it was zen
it was the same way to me, and I gave you the hug forever and ever
Everyone [in the family] told me to push you away when you showed up on the step unannounced, twice
I would have none of that and I gave you the effort you made with the same.
They said it wasn't fair [to me], the pain with such little gain, they said
So what? I'm only autistic. She knows that. She is that she said! She said it's fine how I am. She said she doesn't mind not living with me. She said it was fine with a visit a year (till then, the tune changed after #1). She said forever. She said abnormal when I said, never normal. She said she'd never leave me. I let her know how fragile I am, due to past events and innate differences. She said...it all.... Everything to gain. I said it all, though who was it that always came home to you? Who would always come home to you. Everything to lose.

I understand that people require different levels of the same
I do, and I now know that is you
if you had told me before that it wasn't part of your game
it would have saved all that pain
this simple pixel rain

You probably don't know this, but I toned down how much I gave you in words after that first year and I knew you'd always be near, even with living on the other side of the world, or even the moon. It was, and still was up till you broke everything you said, more than I am in person; seeing you twice a year took so much from me.

The other side of the coin, if you told me early, I could have wished you well without this hell.

But without that, I don't know what to feel: The best you could get? I don't want to feel that; I like to think you wouldn't feel that towards me. Hoping that I'd change and improve, no matter who and what I am and who and what I constantly said I was and am? I think that is it, and that you really loved me when you said you did, but you just wanted then to be always; I refuse to see you as mean enough to feel any other way. I can't see you choosing anything shallow in me.

I made mistakes, more than I can say
but I can always say I was forever dedicated to you (I still am, but that's probably because I'm abnormally ill)

Desolate, drained, destroyed, devastated.

Broken to begin with, born without all the parts, given some parts, said parts taken from and smashed, and the collateral damage from that breaking that which is already broken. Forever broken.

Four/five years almost nonstop, suddenly stopped. Lost pretty much everything before you, lost pretty much everything with you; I cannot even look at myself, my genuine friends, without hating myself and what we did to them (I specifically). Yes, I hate myself, but I still love you; perhaps that's the point.

Just know that when it ends, I won't be there. I wish I was strong enough to help, and it's strength; you don't know what's it's like to lose the hug to another.

-10

^ You didn't deserve all that pain, and you don't deserve the pain you're experiencing now.

Nothing can be done about past hurts to me except to learn from your mistakes, and you've promised to try. You made so many things better just by telling me that it wasn't my fault.

I love you.

Perhaps, perhaps not; though it's probably impossible to pass out any judgment here, as we all feel things differently. I don't think it's something anyone should feel unless they've done something incredibly bad. Physical pain is far too minute in comparison, but again, that's how I feel that exact type of pain in comparison to another. As paranoid as I am, I knew I'd end up being hurt this way; life speaks and whispers its lessons, whether experienced or witnessed.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I know you do, and you know how I'll always feel. I don't deserve for you to still see me in the way you do or to help me at all.

Anyway, I've created enough spectacle, without meaning to; parts of pain grab you and you can't see anything else. I'll stop spamming this message, and continue on making my own refuge from reality, trying to glue dust into...dust.

If only she knew.

-10

-8 Indignation and mourning in equal measure...

OMFG

-10

I feel bad for feeling so bad, as I might make her feel something bad. That's hilarious.

im pretty sure im losing my mind.
~0

i'm never ever coming back to this thread again.
for at least a week

-10

I'm going to take a break from posting for a week or so, I'll see if that helps any. I actually don't think this place is good in many ways; it's good to get feelings out if you cannot verbalize them to anyone, but it's not good when you forget there's an audience. Notepad is probably the best way when you don't want empathy from strangers.

-5 I feel fat
+3 I'm not tired
+6 decorated for Christmas
-2 I have nothing to do now

minus a lot

I hope everyone in the minus improves.
Chrissy you never look fat.
I don't know what to say Ten but I really hope you feel better soon.


I am -3/+2

-10

I'm sorry, I cannot stop talking to you; I...couldn't see you in this pain, and I don't think you could see me in the same, so that keeps the guilt at bay. Perhaps you can see them someday.

I cannot ever throw anything I have of yours away; all I have is wrapped up in your lock of hair, your words that I can never read again. I know exactly what they say.

I remember you told me, in person, that you forget me and everything when it's not there, right before you. I think that's why you can do what you did; it's easier to forget what you don't remember. I see it all as if it was now and tomorrow.

I barely sleep. When I do, I dream of you. I now dream of losing you. It seems like that one refuge is taken away too. Perhaps that's why I'll always keep what you gave me; emotions etched by you, if forgotten by you, but will be kept in time by how I see everything before me.

-10

I wish you'd show up, tell me that it was all a dream, and that it really was one.

It's not though, because I know you.

-10