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I am staying with my grandmother today and this morning the news story about the boy who was bullied because he's gay and made a video about it, was on the news. My grandmother proceeds to call him nasty, disgusting, and go on about the bible. Which just makes me think. God hates gays, but is okay with incest? This leads to her then getting on me (i'm not out but I don't see the point in saying i'm gay) about the way I act and speak and I told her my issue is that she always insults me. She says the way I talk is disgusting and nasty and I sound like a "fa***t" or "poof" she then asks me. "Are you gay?" over and over to which I just laugh and say, that isn't the point, the problem is the way you speak to me. She has been like this towards me since I was 14. On the bus one day she went around saying quite loudly how I must be gay, as if dealing with my sexuality given my family wasn't already enough.
After going on and on for 2 hours, she then calls my mother. My mother gets upset and hangs up on her, I tried to take the phone away from my grandmother because I knew it would just upset and stress out my mother and she threatened to call the police on me, to which I said. "You talk about me cutting you off, but if you ever pulled something like that on me that would be the end of it, and it would have been you that cut me off."
My mother calls me with her on the line and my dad and they're all talking to my grandmother about how people thought my dad was gay because he's quiet and how it's just them all being judgmental because they think that all straight people must act a certain way and my mother is like I know you're straight (how?) and I'm like whatever, because I don't just want to tell her while she was at work still and... just a sh*tstorm. I've literally been stimming for the past 8 hours now and just so incredibly stressed out. It's just ridiculous.
My mom then goes on about how dare she even think I'm gay, or even ask if I'm gay, it's just close minded to think I'm gay, and all, basically it just sounded like me being gay would be like a "oh no!" type situation which.. just doesn't make me feel any better. The 13 years of being hit, called fa***t every damn day, pushed down stairs, being attacked by a homophobe with a knife on a subway, just being attacked in general, people talking behind my back when I was back. People guessing "im' that fa***t" or "he must be a fa***t" I'm just f***ing sick of it.
Even if I come out not a damn thing will change because the issue is that I am gay, which will never change. The world in general will still act the way they do. I'm not even in, I'm so damn gay, it's so obvious. I TOLD MY MOM I WAS GAY WHEN I WAS 16. Everyone is just in damn denial so I already came out... They shut the damn closet door when I opened it.