Rants

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Just missing my former girlfriend.
I feel very alone but I want to turn that from "alone" to being "valuable on my own" as in... keep doing things even though alone and heck maybe even turn it into a strength rather than a painful experience... more alone time means a lot of time to use my thoughts for creativity and other work efforts... but I don't want it to just be like that all through my life.
I want to cooperate with people at least to some degree to become a musician etc.
Yes though I miss my former girlfriend.

Interacting with others is a pain in the !@#. Am taking a physics course with a lab. Being so much older, I really tend to keep to myself, but try and be friendly here and there. Group work drives me up a wall though, and lab is about teams. I am on a team with two women, one mid thirties, other maybe 20. The one in mid thirties is a yacker, but there is something very two faced about her. I work hard on the labs, get started, do a lot of the actual experiment, while they sit there. It's "group activity" while the experiment is going on, then if I get confused and ask about the lab sheets (which are convoluted disorganized nightmares, like the description labeled as "1" actually went with the section on the sheet labeled "11", then it "skip this, skip that, now find this, sorry the equipment isn't working" etc.
I have noticed the other two women put their little head together and treat me like I am suddenly feeble if I as a question, and ignore me, fill their forms out, then leave. (Side note of "aha B$%^#&", thirtysomething asked what I got on last weeks test, me 90, her in the 60's again). Today twentysomething wasn't there, thirtysomething really friendly, wanting to yack about her family, her church, how busy blah blah. She didn't have a damn clue about the experiment, didn't even know we needed to be connected to the power and she turned off the DC power at one point. Then after taking readings and calculating some things, we lost the circuit, the lab guy came over trying to figure out where the short was etc, and the dumbass thirtysomething changes the setting on our power just turning the dial "is it this????" then left it at 10.12 and the lab guy said, "well now that changed everything" and she didn't even friggin get it. That is all ok, but then I was a little confused about some of the blanks on the sheet and she wouldn't even let me see her paper, actually hunching over and hiding it. So glad I (hopefully) won't ever have to see that pain in the butt again after this Wednesday. I reallly hate it when people are all about team work when they don't know what the hell they are doing, then act like you are trying to cheat if you ask them something. I MEAN COME ON, she didn't even know that we need to leave the power on to have our circuit work and that changing the voltage partway through made all our data off. So glad though that the lab guy was there to see it.

OOH, long rant, I feel better about having to deal with dumbass pain in the butt people.

I hate when you get hit with tirade type speeches about what you doing wrong especially when the person giving them f***s with you head on purpose.
Complain that I bought a car that only I can drive, When I go to trade it for a larger less economical one that she can drive "what are you doing" there's no problem with that car it gets grate mileage. But during the tirade [her] I don't know what you bought it for.[me] mileage [her] That's what you got the bike for [me] winter, heavy rain [her] what ever! no one here but you can drive it! One of ten thing given during the argument that when the same way in circles.
Lack of sleep, confusing arguments, over loaded at work and trying to make some side money all at the same time My mind is getting tired really fast. Cant do it, don't know how to do it, just so tired and confused.

I took an overdose, I am still here, I don't know what to do.

That was last week. I am sorry, I shouldn't have even posted this. I don't want to be someone who is at that point, it isn't me.

I really hope you feel better now. I'm worried about you.

*awkward aspie hugs*

People who are independent at such early ages makes me feel very inadequate.

I know someone who's 18, lives by himself, has friends, goes to strip bars, drives, probably has a job, etc...

Myself, I'm 19, live with parents, lack any of that stuff, and sit in front of my computer all day long like the sperg I am.

Please give me a response on all this. I'm looking for input.

I lived at home with my parents until a year and half ago. It's just luck with meeting my bf that I've managed to move out.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Go to college or get a job. I know it's so scary but you must force yourself to get out there and start your journey to independence. If you don't you will never know your own worth.

Tiny tiny rant...

Today I had a minor accident at home and ended up with a small hole in my leg!!

It's ok, it didn't bleed too much, I have a very high pain threshold for this sort of thing, and it's all stitched up now, and the stitches should be out in a week. I can walk ok with a stick and everything (hurts a bit if I stand on it)

But it 'urts and it's upset my equilibrium (can't stop thinking about what it looked like at the time) - it was a bit freaky!!

I'm feeling just a bit too sorry for myself...

So I keep procsratinating on WP instead of working....grrrrr.....this is annoying

I feel like throwing a projectile across the room. My mom's not feeling well, but I'm afraid to try to comfort her because I know she'll lash out at me.

emotions are all over the place. i liked it better when i was dead inside. i was really happy 7 hours ago and now im down. not depressed, just down again for no goddamn reason at all. i hope i'm better tomorrow.

yimkin la2ano ana lahaleh. bti2 bkoon lahaleh bas lama bshoof nece ana ba3rif oo a3m yihko ma3ba3doon wo ana a3m boo2f lahale oo bade e7ke ma3wn wu hene kiloon rifa2h wu mabadoon yihkoo mai la2ano ana fahdyeh. ma bijarbu yihko ma ba3doon bas byarfu. li askat mineh beya3rif- kif ana ma ba3rif?! lama bey7koo mai b7is um i-jarboo. bas um yda5aloo fiye la2anu lezim. ha2 a3laye. ra7 dal lahale la kil hayete. lezim eta3lam kif. (sorry about the text message arabic. there are just some things i'm too embarrassed to say or wont admit, even on the internet. im pretty sure its unreadable anyway.)

and sexism has been pissing me off lately so: men- i dont style my hair depending on what you freaking think. your opinion means nothing to me. if you do not like my haircut fine. if you tell me i should style my hair in such a way that it is more pleasing to you then you are deluded as to the weight of your opinion. if, after i tell you i am happy with it you keep going then you should do it at a distance. that's a warning and possibly a threat depending on how mean i feel. it is also pretty gosh darn sh!# of you to try make me feel bad about my body image to get me to conform to any of your whims because being a dude makes you right and me being not a magazine model/barbie makes me fair game. and yeah i live away from my family because i want to- was i supposed to get married first? whoops. also it makes me sick to think that my little sister has had hangups about her own body image since she was 6! what the hell is wrong with this world: how is it a 6 year old can feel like there is something wrong with her body and this personal view be encouraged?!

I'm kind of depressed right now. I typed this up so I figure I might as well share how I feel right now.