Rants

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Last edited by SpiritBlooms on 09 Jul 2012, 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's not all about the diagnosis. Different people mature at different ages. Everybody has a different nature.

When I was 19 I was living with my first husband (the abusive criminal) in an apartment that I paid for by working. It really sucked. After the divorce I moved back home and lived there until I was 21 when I met my now husband and we moved out of state for a year. I was glad to move back home, and there is nothing wrong with that.

My 18 yo NT daughter still lives at home. She's beautiful, popular, polite, social etc. She is the epitome of NT. However she doesn't drive, she is afraid to learn how but she is going to soon because she has to. Her fiance lives with her but she still asks me or her dad before she goes anywhere. She checks in and lets us know when she will be back. She still sleeps with her teddy bear from when she was little.

Strip clubs are overrated. Trust me. I used to waitress in one.

I used to be afraid of trying to do things, etc too. Eventually one of my best friends told me this. "You are going to die either way, had you rather die at 85 after having fun and lots of experiences or at 85 after living a boring life?" Now, at the time it depressed me because I didn't know how to go out and have those experiences. It's not that hard to learn though. Jump in with both feet. Commit to it, but also commit to doing whatever it is, safely. Don't make the newbie mistake of thinking you are invincable. Thats how I got ran over by a car and left in Phenix City Ga by my ex husband. I wasn't hurt bad, it was only a VW bug.

But honestly, you can try what I did. Make a list of what you want to experience. Then plan out how to experience it. I've done so many things I never thought I would have done that way. Learn to talk a good game too, because that way nobody knows that you don't know what you're doing. Thats how I got the private detective job that time and I loved it and would still be doing it if the company hadn't closed when the owner ran for tax assessor (and lost). That's an example right there. I had never thought about doing that for a living but one morning I was watching Magnum PI reruns on tv and thought "I want to do that, be a PI" so I got the phone book and started making calls. I called the companies and talked t them. I found one that wanted to interview me so I went and I got the job. I look harmless so it worked out great. I'm not saying be a PI, I'm saying just find something you want to do, on a whim, and jump in with both feet.

Get social experience too. I sucked big time at that. One of the best ways I learned to socialize was this yearly party I used to give (early 80s) when Van Halen came to town. It became legendary among my friends. I'd rent a hotel suite on the club floor of the good hotel by the civic center (the band didn't even stay on this floor) and get liqour and food and invite everybody I knew or wanted to know. Eventually they all started coming. The first year sucked, it was me and about four friends and I had to be home before morning.

Another thing is, just fake it. I've always liked writing and wanted to do it for a living so I called some local newspapers when we lived in Bham and got them to give me a chance for Op-Ed. I wrote for free for a month then I got hired. I've interviewed Ted Nugent and Ellen Degeneras for them, I've also written pieces for magazines. The point of this is not to brag, it's to explain that I had no clue what I was doing but I wanted to try it, thought I could do it and so I just faked it and did it.

Faking things is important. We aren't wired to naturally do certain things. Of course you will be afraid. It's normal. I was afraid over the smallest things. I still remember, to this day, laying in a hotel room with my ex husband, trying to get to sleep, on the night after I had rented our first apartment. I was terrified of that commitment. What would happen if I couldn't pay it, etc? Oddly enough this song came on that expressed it perfectly. It did not make me feel better. What made me feel better was paying the rent every month. Eventually I realized that I could do it.

There is no school for real life. There is no preperation. Nobody tells us how to do it, but NT's seem to get it naturally. We have to push ourselves. Sometimes it doesn't work out but then sometimes it does.

Please do not beat yourself up over this. 19 is perfectly normal to be in your situation. However, push yourself to get out of it. Force yourself to do things. You will fail at first. Get used to that idea. If you succeed at first, count yourself lucky. But be ready to get knocked around some by life until you get with the program with it. You can do it. If I did it, you certainly can.

Good luck! For real. I'm pulling for you.

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Last edited by SpiritBlooms on 09 Jul 2012, 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My mother is being very borderline these last few days so I have stepped back and let her handle her own problems however she can. Right now she's going on about how irresponsible and terrible I am because I fell asleep in the afternoon heat and didn't have my phone by me. She's all praising that dope ho baby mama of my son's, so let her take her around and deal with her.

As I write this, I am severly f*cked off, but since that is the only time I have no filter, it's the only time I can make this clear so you'll have to excuse the langauge because this needs to be said.

This has been an issue for a long time now and I am extremely over it. I am sick and tired of this - I intensely dislike NT's expecting me, or aspies in general for that matter, to act NT when we are not. Furthermore, you *know* we are not. I am so sick of them holding us up to their expectations - expecting us to behave, perform, think, act and make decisions as they do. I am sick of them *judging* us by their standards.

You do not expect a cat to behave like a dog and then exclude it, berate it, insult it or judge it because it doesn't act like a dog. But you're plenty happy to do it to us. Why the *hell* are you kinder to animals than you are to other people, a minority or otherwise? THIS IS NOT A CHOICE FOR US.

Almost everyone there has done this to some extent at some time or another, and I get that, I do. But some people are much worse and are repeat offenders when it comes to this than others. I get this in daily life at almost every interaction - so I am usually extremely tolerant of it - a certain amount is allowable, acceptable and expected. But there is a line, goddamnit.

I have not really said much about this when you do it - I sit and endure it in silence, occasionally with a joke thrown in making a mockery of it on the off chance that it might actually make you think and realise what your're doing. Or I address the specifics of the exact situation - but this about more than just one incident.

This does not show in overt ways - it is usually much more subtle than that (although it is never subtle to us). It is usually embedded in the way something is phrased, in the expectations, in the implications, in the underlying assumptions, in the framework itself. As an expectation or assumption so obvious it does not *need* to be said. That subtly does not make it any less painful - I can assure you.

It's gotten to the point that most of the time I shut my mouth completely and don't bother saying anything outside of my own immediate interests. After a lifetime of this, I am unable to express myself openly because I have developed such a complex about being misunderstood so constantly. I am so tired of the underlying assumptions that I must be just like you, and if you intend a comment like that to be bitchy, then I must be being bitchy too. If after 2 years there my behaviour does not speak for itself, then what the hell does? Yet you continue to do this. And you have no right to project, assume or apply to me your mentality or the way you think, and then take it out on me or attack me for it. No. I am not you. I will never be you. On behalf of all of us - please stop treating us worse than you do your pets.

They say we lack empathy - I have to sincerely question that statement because of the behaviour I recieve on a daily basis.

I really need to rant right now.

I want to quit my job. They are wanting me to work even though I told them it was my only day off for the week. They are not listening when I say no and try to pressure me into working. They have done this before, and keep guilt tripping me on how they are short on staff. They know I have AS, and have probably found out that I am easily manipulated.

I don't see how I can be honest with them if I tell them I need a break and they still try to pressure me. The staff in charge honestly have no drive or skills that are useful, so why should I be expected to make up for their incompetence when I am getting paid less. They had the choice to promote me, so why would they turn me down if they relied on me so much. None of the other staff are motivated to help out when they are needed to, but are treated better than me by the people in charge. Just because I have AS does not mean I can be used until I am tired and stressed while others get off scott free.

This is why I tried to find another job for the summer. I thought it would end with me not having any hours there, but no, they will also pressure me into covering for them. I understand that I will be asked, and am willing to help out, but my schedule is very busy. I need whatever time I have off to relax. If they want me back for the fall, they will just have to make do without me now, and show me that I won't be pressured into shifts anymore. So far, they are doing a terrible job.

I need to rant, oh, God, let me rant!

Yes, I want to rant to you, God! I hope you're f*****g happy, making all of my mates and my cousins around me all have boy/girlfriends and me not. Why do you do this to me? Why can't you turn my life around and make me happy, and maybe make someone else miserable? Someone who deserves it! Why did you even give me this f*****g Asperger s**t to begin with? Why do you hate my mum so much? You gave her a horrible childhood because of her alcoholic dad, and then you gave her an a***hole of a daughter who is just as mental and crazy as an alcoholic, and now her poor mum had Alzheimer's. What the f**k did my mum do wrong? Why is she so unlucky? And why am I so unlucky? Why did you give all my cousins stupid neurotypical brains and me the stupid f*****g Aspie brain? It's not fair! I can't live with AS any more! I want to be normal! I f*****g hate having this AS! It's worse than being physically deformed! At least, in the adult world, physically deformed people get positive attention and they are understood! Me, I practically get PUNISHED in public for having this f*****g c**t of a disorder. Makes me so mad. Makes me want to put an end to my f*****g wretched life and let the f*****s in public find somebody else to punish. f*****g bastard c***s, I just hope they have an accident one day what damages their f*****g neurotypical brains and then maybe they might know how it feels to f*****g be stared at and laughed at by childish c***s they don't even know in random places like supermarkets. I'm sorry, I HAVE to go to the supermarket, I don't have the choice, so stop turning a supermarket into a place of compitition, if it weren't for these places you would all die of starvation so take that into consideration and stop f*****g with my emotions and just grow up or f**k off and leave me the f**k alone! I thought all of this f*****g s**t stopped in High School but it's even WORSE than High School, it's f*****g torture! All because I have this f*****g cunting s**t that I didn't ask to be born with, it might make me have a teeny tiny difference in my body language, so what if there's a f*****g girl over the road trying her hardest to conform to your f*****g pathetic standards and is doing no harm to nobody? ''Oh there's a girl over there, got her foot 2 centimetres out of place, oh wah wah wah!'' f*****g grow up and get a f*****g life you miserable c***s and stop acting like silly little 10-year-olds in the playground, you're supposed to be an adult with responsibilities, and all you can think about is judging people who ain't even that different, just think you can torture the weak because you haven't got anything else better to do. Well, you can have a few more years of torturing me - right until I f*****g crack up one day and you will f*****g know it. You will f*****g know it, f*****g neurotypical public. If one more person gives me one f*****g stare tomorrow, then they will f*****g be in for it. Makes me wonder if any job I have I will be f*****g bullied by immature, unempathetic c***s who hate me for some reason. f*****g young girls f*****g dressed up like they're going to the Ritz, they are the f*****g sadest people I have ever come across.

And David Cameron - you are the worse human being I have ever known of. You are a dispicable, disgrace to this country and you f*****g deserve to be tortured and killed. Just because you're so rich it means everyone else is rich, well, we are not, the majority of people in this country are average or poor, so stop supporting the rich and start trying to make the common person more secure. We don't want to waste our only life f*****g worrying about our future - you want to f*****g step into the real world and get some common sense into you, you f*****g snobby bastard. You cut services what we need, you throw honest, hard-working people on the dole, then expect us to find a job overnight, in this country, full of Eastern Europpean foreigners taking our jobs and our houses? And what's that you say? There are jobs out there? Yeah, but not enough for everybody who you chuck on the dole. Do you have any idea how many people apply for one job? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get into work these days? Just f*****g come away from the fairies and get into the real world! Take poor people into consideration. f**k the rich - they're doing fine, why do they need even more support for, where there are millions of people who need that support? We haven't all got the brains to go study hard and land brilliant-paid jobs! The lottery only goes to one or two people a week, if that. I know your f*****g attitude is ''don't be poor, don't get old, don't get ill, don't have a mild disability, don't lose your job''. You think we're all poor, getting old, getting ill, got mild disabilities, and losing our jobs on purpose? You f*****g ret*d twat, I don't even know how they even let you run this country.

I hate you David Cameron.

One of the most fuc#king annoying thinges that I have to try deal with is being called bright by my grandma and my mother. Unfortunely my mother assumes I am bright because she thinks that autism people are supposed to be smart. One day when we were in the car, she said something about me being intelligent. My response was to say that I was not. She shot back with that is the problem with you assuming that she was right all along. She is believing a false belief. I have no idea how my grandma thinks I am bright but it is possible it could well the same reason. It is a shame really because when I stayed other at my grandmothers recently, she told a couple of people how intelligent I was. Who do you think you are? Why are telling people of you own delusions? I guess it is hard to understand that I have average/below average intelligence{ most likely 75 percent of the time I have below average intelligence, while 25 percent of the time I have average intelligence}. It so damn frustrating that it makes me bang my head over the wall. Only I know if I am intelligent or not not other people and their ignorance is clearly showing through. It seems to me that althrough I have no special talents, they are calling me intelligent without any logical evidence to back up their statements. It fu#king needs to stop now, and they need to accept that I am right all along instead of denying it. Pretty sad really

I think thats a normal parenting thing rather than an autistic associated thing. A friend of mine who has an NT son who is dumb as a bag of wet rocks thinks he's just sooooo smart. No parent is going to believe that their kid isn't smart unless they are dumber than a bag of wet rocks. It's the same way that every parent thinks their child is beautiful or handsome.

I am not saying you are dumb, you are probably smarter than you think, many people are. I'm simply saying to try not and tie it into the AS thing. Also, there are many types of intelligence. I've met people who flunked out of school in the 8th grade and can fix any problem on any car. I've met guys who can barely read but who know an awful lot about complicated chemistry. I've met people with Masters degrees who can't figure out when to eat supper. All of those folks I mentioned are NT's, so it's not AS.

I wouldn't let it offend me like it's some kind of stereotype if I were you. Others may assume it because of autism but most parents do not.

I think thats a normal parenting thing rather than an autistic associated thing. A friend of mine who has an NT son who is dumb as a bag of wet rocks thinks he's just sooooo smart. No parent is going to believe that their kid isn't smart unless they are dumber than a bag of wet rocks. It's the same way that every parent thinks their child is beautiful or handsome.

I suppose that you are right. I should not of been so dumb and so ignorant in my posting, I guess I lack logical thinking.


I am not saying you are dumb, you are probably smarter than you think, many people are. I'm simply saying to try not and tie it into the AS thing. Also, there are many types of intelligence. I've met people who flunked out of school in the 8th grade and can fix any problem on any car. I've met guys who can barely read but who know an awful lot about complicated chemistry. I've met people with Masters degrees who can't figure out when to eat supper. All of those folks I mentioned are NT's, so it's not AS.

Smarter than I think? You do know it is possible to have below average intelligence and still be aware of it. It is possible that I may have average intelligence, but it is unlikely{1 percent chance of average intelligence}. That is like picking out one red marble out of a bag that has 99 other green marbles. Not good odds. A better statement would be to say I don't know weather you are dumb or smart but you could be either. That is more sensible rather then you saying that I most likely have average intelligence.


I wouldn't let it offend me like it's some kind of stereotype if I were you. Others may assume it because of autism but most parents do not.

I guess my parents{and my grandma} will live the rest of their lives thinking I am smart and I have some kind of talent or whatever. I will need to deal with it.

Last edited by humanhatred on 09 Jul 2012, 9:45 am, edited 3 times in total.

What a horrible thing to have happen.

I never said you were dumb or ignorant in your posting, nor that you lacked logical thinking. Many people who aren't parents wouldn't think of that right away.

I know you never said that, it is just that you explained such as simple concept in this case, most parents thinking their children is smart, that I did not know in the first place. I was not smart enough to think of you're point.

Yes, I know it is. However when people are upset they sometimes feel lower self esteem than they should, and they lack proportion about the negative traits that they are worried about. That was my point.

If that is the case, than why am I making so many stupid mistakes. An example of my low intelligence is when I was at my grandmothers place, it was breakfast and was trying to find the milk. I looked in all the fridges, I could not find it anymore. Any logical person at that point would realize that the milk would be on the table, but I was dumb and asked where the milk was. It was on the table all along. Pretty stupid. There are tons more examples, but I will stop there. Too dumb to multi-quote too that is a shame.

You seem to communicate fine in this medium, and have the ability to think things out, so that's why I made the statement. Have you ever had an IQ test of any type?

My iq is around 101 which is about average. However, an iq test does not measure intelligence, so I do not believe it for one second. Instead I am slightly below average

I suppose you're right. I said the completely wrong thing. Please accept my apology for my opinion and my desire to help. Won't happen again.

There is no need to apologize, just next time be more careful.

well, i guess thats it. Im officially not able to continue on like this. looks like death it must be.

I wish I could get out of this world. I am getting so fed up now with people keep looking at me. If only these bastards knew what damage they are causing me. Now I've even gone up the doctors asking if my posture is normal, and he said there is no difference in my posture than there is in anybody else's, and he said even if there was, it wouldn't cause everybody to look all the time. Then I asked if my face was all right, and he said that no two people look identical, even twins have one slight difference in their faces somewhere, so people you don't know all look completely different to eachother and to you, so the way your face is built is something that you, or nobody else, can control, unless you are physically deformed then it may cause negative attention sometimes, but he said I'm not physically deformed, I've got a perfectly ''acceptable'' face. So I asked if it's my colour hair and he said no, my colour hair does not stand out. Then he said, ''you've got to calm down, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look, all the stares you think you get are just your imagination.''

Well, I can honestly say it is NOT my imagination. I have proof. I have wrote down all the time I have experienced situations in public where I have been signifficantly noticed, laughed at, pointed out, stared at, criticised, and so on. Some are small and forgettable, but others are remembered and I have wrote them all down in a small book. Surely nobody's got as much negative attention as I have got - AND I DON'T EVEN DO ANYTHING TO ATTRACT ALL THIS STUPID ATTENTION! Every time I go out I get at least 3 people staring or mocking me, when I'm not even doing anything that funny or noticeable. I thought looking a bit shy would make me blend into the background more. I mean, most confident people with a lot of self-esteem want to be noticed and looked at in public, so why can't people give them what they want and leave me alone? Most shy people, like me, want to be left alone, so the common sense is to leave them alone, what is up with people these days? And so what if I'm shy, why would that make people look so much? What do they want out of me? What, do they think looking at me would suddenly turn me into what they think they want me to turn into? I don't get it. A stranger's a stranger to me, I'm good with reading body language but if a shy-looking person walks past me with their head down, I actually turn away and want to look at somebody with a more friendly impression. A person who looks shy and is not devoting any attention on to me then that should obviously give the impression ''I am a shy person, or I'm having a bad day, I do not want to be looked at'', and I respect that and then when I see a person smiling I get the impression telling me ''I am a more confident person, I'm having a good day, I want to be noticed, please look at me and feel free to say hello.'' I don't single a shy person out and go, ''oh look that person is shy, let's all point and laugh at them!'', because, in the adult world, that should not be very appropriate. I really wish young girls would realise that going out into the street means you will come across all sorts of people, not everybody's going to be like them, so they have to deal with it. I don't know how anybody can have a problem with me when I'm not doing anything to attract all this negative attention. And no, it's not because I might look attractive. People just tell me that to make me feel better but I know it isn't true. I conform well to normal NT standards, I dress presentably, I wear reasonable clothes, I look nice, I have my hair nice, I put a little bit of make-up on, which is just right, nothing too extreme but still socially acceptable and not critical. But I still don't look outstandingly attractive. I'm not putting myself down, I really mean it, I may look attractive in general but not enough to make everybody really stare when passing me - and to even turn around just to stare at me as they walk by (if I am sitting on a bench or something). I mean, I am no Madonna, I don't look....absolutely beautiful. I just look just ordinary. Just enough to blend in.

That's another annoying stereotype other Aspies use against me - ''just because you're an Aspie it means you are always doing something wrong whatever you do, so you just got to learn to live with it.'' No, I just cannot accept that I am a person who will always be ridiculed in public even if I conform to NT standards. It's normal to not like being laughed at or judged, even the best of people don't like to be judged, so I do not want to be judged - especially when I go out of my way to conform and STILL be treated like I don't!! !! !! !! !

I can't say too much about this particular situation here, but I will say this much:

I'm beyond sick and tired of being thrown under the bus (figuratively speaking) over and over again. I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter, like I'm a completely inconsequential nonperson undeserving of the fundamental level of respect of which all humans should be worthy. I've been taking crap from certain people in particular for far too long, simply because I lack the skills to effectively stand up for myself. One thing that's become abundantly clear is that the more crap I take from others, the more crap I'm going to be handed. It's going to be laid on me thicker and thicker until I can't breathe from the weight of it. Correction: That's not what's going to happen, that's what *is* happening now, and I've beyond had it. I can't take it lying down anymore. At long last, I'm fighting back the best way I know how. This course of action I'm taking is one I should have taken a long time ago. I just hope with all I have that this action of mine pays off. I have a lot riding on this battle, and I really need to find some way to win this. For once in my life, I will *not* back down.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Gah, how I #@*&ing hate that expression. What a steaming load of sugar-coated bull excrement. I'll grant that there's a microscopic grain of truth buried somewhere deep within there. Within certain parameters, in certain degrees, I suppose adversity can be character building. It can also be soul crushing.
As I face the harrowing possibility of losing one of the few things that matters to me for the dumbest, most mundane and impersonal of reasons, I don't feel stronger. So fitting that the Smiths are singing, "Please, please, please, let me get what I want," on my iTunes. Sometimes, I swear my shuffle is psychic.
I'm fighting this battle -- haven't given up on this. Still, the possibility that my efforts might not be enough to save this makes me sick with dread and despair.
I've been knocked down by life and picked myself up before, too many times. Still, the wounds stay with me, and they never really heal. They may scab over for a time, but that doesn't mean that the next fall won't cause them those old wounds burst open, and bleed as freely as the new wounds that form. Each time I've picked myself up, and limped along, wounded and broken. I bite my lip to keep from crying out with pain as I force myself to continue to struggle on and stagger through life. Each time I pick myself up, it's just a little harder not to surrender to that pain. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, indeed!
Sometimes, I wonder, how many times can I be crushed before I break beyond repair? Am I on the cusp of that now? If I lose the present fight, will the grief on that loss be what finally destroys me? We've all heard stories of elderly people dying of grief. Can grief kill someone my age, as well? At the present moment, that possibility doesn't scare me as much as the prospect of having to rebuild so much, again.
Why does life have to hurt so $#@*ed much? I'm tired of the emotional pain, just so utterly exhausted. I don't know where to go from here.