Rants

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Why is life so unfair?! !! I really love the bus company, and I do NOT want it to go bust, it's the only thing that keeps me happy in my boring stupid life. I am just an Aspie all alone in this crazy world, and I have enough pain and disappointment in my life, the least that can make me happy is if this bus service keeps running - with the same operators running it. I don't want it going into FirstGroup, that is a f*****g s**t company and I hate it, I just want it to stay in....OK, won't say the name out loud here but I want it to stay in XXXXXXXX because I just love the bus-drivers. Yes I know my life must be boring if all what makes me happy are a bunch of bus-drivers running a half-descent service around Essex using only 33-seater buses, but I am an Aspie and small things like that can make my life so much brighter. I love that service, I love the route, and I love the drivers. I don't want no sh***y FirstGroup snobs running the service because they will make it useless, I can't even get to know that snobby lot anyway even if I tried, because they have a plastic glass screen thing where the driver sits so you can't get to know them that well anyway with that sitting between you. I much prefer the bus to be operated by XXXXXXXX because it's a much better company. I hate FirstGroup. Why can't THAT company go bust? I suppose it won't, they're too snobby, they're raking in billions. f*****g snobby c***s, hope they do get what's coming to them.

I should've been born a man. I hate being female. HATE IT!

Being the only Aspie among 14 NT cousins seems unreal. Why does it have to be ME? I'm the only person from my family who is trapped in this skin, and I have to be the Aspie. Why do all my cousins have to be NORMAL and able to make friends so easily? It isn't fair! I hate myself, I hate everything about myself. For the first time in my life I have actually spoke more at my volunteer job today, and now I'm worrying that I have broke social rules, because when I'm quiet I don't seem to break any, but as soon as I open my mouth I kind of f**k everything up, and there's no turning back then. I am judged and that's that.

I hate myself, I really do.

I've been upset today and wrote the following words, mostly for my own benefit. I figured I might as well use this as an outlet. I might post a proper rant later.

edited it out because I didn't feel comfortable having it up here, sorry!

I get so tired of feeling like I'm just too damaged and dysfunctional to live in this world. I live in the most disgusting apartment ever, because keeping up my home is just too darned much. I haven't had a relationship in 2 1/2 years, since the only man I ever loved broke my heart, and I still can't imagine being with anyone else. I'm becoming increasingly isolated as my social motivation dwindles to nothing. Every setback I experience. seems to send me spiraling into a deep depression -- I just can't adapt. It seems that any resilience I ever had is long since used up. Everything I care about is slipping away, everything is just crumbling. I have no strength to rebuild, no motivation. Those resources have long been used up.
I'm an only child, and of course, my Mom believes that I'm amazing, that I can do anything I set my mind to. I suppose she has to believe that for the sake of her own sanity. Who could be expected to face up to the reality that one's only daughter is a hopeless train wreck, with life prospects that are growing dimmer by the day? I can hardly blame her.
I have no intention of harming myself. Right now, I'm just tired, so tired of being this person, living this life -- just doing my best to survive each day. It's so exhausting, and it hurts so much.

Meltdown over control issues. Itching my skin to death and I can't stop. I envisioned something to be a certain way. And now it is not that way. I don't know what to say. Disappointment does not sit well with my mind. It does not sit well with my skin. Every time I think my coping skills are getting better, something knocks me back. It F**KING sucks.

i wonder if i should start getting ready for what must be done, or keep hoping i dont have to come to that

I am so sick of the only time my boyfriend wants to see me is when i am suicidal. There is absolutely no reason why I should stay with him, They main reason I do is because I will not meet another person I love. I give up. I am never asking to see him again. I bet he wont even notice.

I really wish my favourite comedy website would just stop joking about Aspergers. It's ruining my experience of them.

No amount of writing in a journal could stop my frustrations and sadness. I just need someone to talk to, my boyfriend says doesn't want to listen to me pour my heart out to him and he wonders why I never want to talk. It feels like my opinion isn't important, I know it is but I'm constantly reminded me it isn't. That feeling of being in a crowd of people but having no one speak to/ relate to is the worst feeling. I just don't want to scare people off when I talk or do I want to be reminded I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I must say I find some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this ongoing fight. Having aspergers is an ongoing fight I face everyday, being treated differently, being treated like a child is what annoys me the most. Anyway, I'm going to go for a walk. That should put my mind off things

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I am untermensch. My genes are garbage. It's not my parents' fault they passed on the worst of what both of them had. My sister is pretty sound. I guess that's just the blind luck of genetics.

Sometimes bringing up a kid is a waste of time and effort.

I deserve to not be abused even though I am not a fit specimen. I keep telling myself that. Nature doesn't respect such niceties, though. I wanted to kill myself all the time when I was a child because it seemed like the natural thing for me to do. Other children actually enjoyed asking me 'are you going to kill yourself, or what?' They would torment to see what it would make me do. They'd tell me that I was going psycho and that I was mentally disturbed. They probably would've found it funny if I killed myself. I wonder if the way people treat me like a human being now that I'm an adult is honest, or if it's just BS.

I'm really frakking scared of dying, though. So I won't kill myself. I've never even made a serious attempt.

I love you dearly, but WTF lately?!? Do not spend a substantial amount of money, and then get around to telling me the next day. Better yet, wait an extra couple days when we're in a better position to cover it.
I asked you please be here when the repair guys are trudging through the house-no go. I asked you, talk to your buddy to see what needs cleared out so we can be prepared--no go. I am burnt out, frustrated, and at my wits end this week. Time to register the kids for school...

I hate my brain, it's telling me I'm f*****g worthless at the moment. The hard part is to not believe it, because then I'm screwed.

Really upset (meltdown?) last night which I could feel I was heading for, always hate myself a bit more afterwards.

I really want someone to show up and tell me whre they were yesterday and today and it's 6PM now and they're STILL not here and Im so annoyed and upset and impatient and I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY, then I'll leave everyone alone becasuse I've said too much and could get into trouble for all this complaining about a member who I shouldn't be so...er...thinking about them lots and why am I even saying this, if they went out for the day, it would have been nice to leave a message so I wouldn't feel like I do now, I remember they did that before once or twice, it helped me a lot I JUST WANT THEM TO COME AND TELL ME WHY THEY HAVE NOT BEEN HERE THEN I'LL LEAVE EVERYONE ALONE, I PROMISE!! !! !