scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-5. pretty f*****g miserable right now if I do say so myself. Talked to an awesome girl online, but she told me she wasn't interested even though I seemed cool. I mean, I appreciate it a lot that she took the time to tell me.. But still.. Pretty disheartening since I've now completely exhausted all the suitable match% people on OkCupid for about 50 miles around me.. Anything more than that and it's too far for any sort of actual relationship.

I don't understand why so many of the people on that site are overweight, mouth breathing, jesus freaks. I hate living in the South.

This combined with finding out that the school I'd been accepted to requires college Algebra to graduate.. so now I've got to try and find another school to go to.

I need to go and sleep it off before I fall completely into a black hole or worse stim up to a melt down.. but I can't because I have to go off with my best friend cause it's his birthday.

-6

Went out with a friend to a poolhall which should have been mostly empty, but tonight was filled with people. I locked his keys in the car like an idiot and we were stuck there until AAA came by to unlock the car for us.

-8 I have just been ignored and then saw something that has upset me greatly, i hate facebook.

- I hate Facebook too. I would be very glad if I could throw my computer in a trash compacter and that would be all it took to erase everything that happened as a result of my computer use. It's just 1s and 0s, it might as well be a video game right.

-8

I can't stop thinking about how cold and uncaring this world can be. Maybe it's depression but I feel so weak and powerless and don't know whether to feel angry or just succumb to that cold dread gripping in my chest. f**k it all. I'd probably be better if I was one of those hardened unsympathetic people that don't bother to think about anything. I'd be happier if I could just bury my head in the sand and blow smoke up my own ass like other people do. I'd be happier if I could "get" religion and genuinely think there was a meaning to suffering or that it will all work out in the end, justice will be served, etc... but I can see too clearly that the real world beliefs and ideologies are all just BS tools to serve the selfish interests of certain people and exercise control over others. I just see darkness and cruel cynicism everywhere I look.

I'm also supposed to be looking into a job opportunity but I have no motivation for it. It's just causing me stress and preventing me from being able to occupy my mind with the few things I do enjoy.

I wish I could do this. I have to be thinking at all waking moments. I fear getting bored as all the negative feelings well up and take over. Focusing intensely on my interests is the only thing that stops me from slipping into the deepest depression. Whenever I get tired of my interests I'm always f****d. I start focusing too much on s**t that I shouldn't be for my own sanity.

I wish I could do it more often. I'm not saying deep thinking is inherently depressing but negativity stretches my mind a lot thinner than intellectual curiosity. It's not that negativity is more mentally stimulating, but that you're under the gun when you're desperately trying to make sense out of suffering so that's what makes it more mentally taxing. I find that shifting my focus intensely from inward to outward helps a lot since just losing myself to what's in front of me makes me less rigid and critical.

-50 FML......and I still hate myself, I mean today would have been fine if it was not for me being a social ret*d and taking things personally again only to successfully piss people off. I should seriously just lock myself in my room and put a keep out sign on the door so no one has to suffer my existence.

+1
need 2012 changeup

I don't feel bad. I'd say a flat 0. But I do feel incredibly useless right now.

I hate it when my friends are going through things I cannot help them with.

-10

Depressed as hell. Can't find any interest in anything practical.

I'm at my parents house and my mom has the news on and there's f*****g republican campaign commercials every goddamn f*****g second. Makes me want to throw something at the god damn f*****g screen.

-5
My heart is still beating too fast. I shouldn't have drank tonight, but I figure if the doctor is going to give me a diagnosis that won't let me have coffee, sweets, or alcohol anymore, I should indulge in them before she does.
I'm a relatively happy person, though. But health concerns really scare me. I've never really had health problems before, and now they're popping up left and right. Then again, sleeping 15-18 hours a day isn't normal. So I might be getting some long awaited answers.

-10
I'm a loser

0

I just suddenly got a bad feeling that something bad happened, and I once again don't have the slightest shred of proof. Another odd thing is that I smelled my Grandfather's cologne very briefly an hour ago. It literally smelled like my Grandfather, but when he's wearing Old Spice. I hate old spice. It's better when it's on him for several hours, though. He's miles and miles away and there hasn't been a male inside the apartment for weeks. The maintanence guys don't even wear that stuff.

I also feel like some jerk is watching my internet activity, and thinks I'm someone that I'm not. I should have a closed Facebook account now. It wasn't mine in the first place. Apparently, the user and hacker could be both genders or either. I'm defiantly not male, and my user name doesn't imply "male sex". I'm angry that fake emails were mailed on my account. I could squash the turd that did it if he were here. Oh yeah, the Viagra spam because of a virus thing last year? Just flat out uncool

I've been having these mild instances where I will feel emotions of the distant past, and usually negative ones. Sometimes I will feel like I'm fighting someone verbally when nobody is fighting me. Confusing, because I'm not living in the past or anything like that. I'm not talking to them or high or drunk, but I felt like I was in the middle of it a few times. That's usually pretty short. A couple of times I had that assault feeling that I got from a couple of b*****s back in Grade school. It's distinct, and I haven't had any rational cause to have experienced that for over a decade now


Why I had that twice in the last two years is beyond me. Some things just don't make sense when it comes to me.

Last edited by LiendaBalla on 21 Feb 2012, 1:24 am, edited 2 times in total.

0

I had a full melt down earlier. I cant feel anything. I need tlc but i wont get any.