Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear Random People in Portland,

Go take a shower and do your laundry.

Why must you smell like very bad BO, of which you have?

Buy some deodorant while you're at it.

Signed,
Random Portlander

PS: Go f**k yourselves if you don't think having bad BO is wrong.

Dear Dad

I'm going away to college soon, so I guess I'll say goodbye. It's kind of sad that I can't bring myself to tell you this in person, and that I'm only writing it because I know you'll never read it.
I wanted to thank you for all the wonderful childhood memories. Did you know that I can't remember a single time when you made me laugh or smile? I remember cowering in my room, crying, as you raged at my mother, my brothers, and I. You yelled everytime stuttered or didn't look you in the eye, which was often. Every time I did something 'wrong' I was punished. Maybe you didn't see it that way, but the damage has been done. Do you know that I have almost no self esteem? That I can't bring myself to speak in class? It's because when I was little it was imprinted in my mind that being wrong would lead to your anger.

Do you remember last fall when I ran my first cross country race after being injured? It wasn't my best time, but I was happy because it was a really good time, considering how long it had been since I'd last trained. But in the car on the way home you told me you knew my time was bad and that if maybe I tried a little harder I might actually be good. I wasn't ashamed of my race, not until you told me that.

Did you know that you are the reason that I want to go to college out of state? Because you are. My brothers are grown up and gone, and mom will never leave you. So I'm going to leave. As soon as I have enough money for an apartment, I'm never coming home. It might seem cowardly, running away, but I'm tired of trying to protect mom. I've tried to do every thing right, but it isn't enough for you. It's called self-preservation. I'm done with you.

From your daughter

Dear Mom

Yes, I'm writing to you to. It's not what you did, it's what you didn't do. First of all, you put up with that bastard you call a husband. Not once did you stand up for your children. You just go along with him, no matter how much he hurts us. You said you were trying to make everyone happy, but you were only making yourself miserable, not to mention us kids.

Now I'm not sure about the details of this, mainly because you won't talk about it, but you were the one I went to. When I realized I might have Asperger's Syndrome the last thing I expected was for you to tell I had been under observation from kindergarten through elementary school. You never told me. You never even got me an official diagnosis. One thing you know about me is that I will only talk to you if its an emergency and I really need someone. Three times. Three times during the course of six months I tried to talk to you about it. I wanted to know the details of what was 'wrong' with me. You changed the subject and completely blew me off. Why didn't you get a diagnosis? Were you ashamed of having a child on the autism spectrum? I don't know. I just don't know. When I was younger I looked up to you. Now I see you as the weak, pathetic, naive woman you are.

From, your daughter

Dear P******

Let me tell you a story. I wonder if you remember it like I do. We met in the last month of eighth grade, on the busride to Washington DC. I played mariokarts with you. I didn't meet you face to face until a week or so later at lunch. I didn't see you again until that day at the movies when M asked me out. A week later at his beach house you were with us. It's funny, when I first meet a person I know instantly if I like them or not. I liked you. You made me laugh, and at the beach house I was happier than I should have been to get your phone number. But whatever, I was dating your best friend.

School started. Freshman year. Homeroom. I hated everyone in that class. Then you walked in. There'd been a problem with your schedule, and they'd transferred you to my homeroom. I was happy. M and I broke up after a relationship that wasn't a relationship. You were my friend freshman year. Sophomore year I toyed with the idea of having you as more than a friend, but I pushed the thought out of my head.

It was at the birthday party at the end of the year that I realized I liked you a lot more that just friends. We never talked over the summer. At the beginning of this year, I thought maybe you felt the same way. It seemed like that at first, but it didn't last. I spent the entire winter trying to figure out why we weren't talking as much as we used to. I blamed myself and my sh***y social skills.

It was one month ago, maybe a little more. I think it started with our conversation about particle physics. For a few weeks it seemed like you might feel the same way about me. I guess not. You're going back to being distant. I just wanted to say I don't care. My feelings probably won't change, but I'm still hoping yours will. I just want us to stay friends, at least. When I talk to you I feel like I can be myself, like it doesn't matter so much that I have Asperger's. After all, with who else will you spend an entire period discussing particle accelerators? Please talk to me. You're one of the only good things left in my life.

From me

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6bARIaMhCM[/youtube]

Dear Mom,

Thanks for listening to me. Thanks for believing me. Thanks for accepting me as I am. Thanks for being honest.

Thanks for not thinking a label would answer all of your problems and thanks for not letting other people label me as they wished.

It kind of hurt to hear you say all of those things. I knew people thought I was different (putting it lightly) I didn't know that all of my teachers thought "there might be a problem," that most of our family thought "something is wrong with that child." But I'm glad you told me. And I'm glad you helped me succeed and prove them wrong. There is no problem. There is nothing wrong. You always recognized that I was different, you saw the symptoms of my AS everyday even though you didn't know what it was.

We both know now. And I'm glad and grateful that you believed me. I couldn't believe that I talked at you for like 2 or 3 hours and when it was over you were just like "Oh, I know. I didn't know what it was, but I always recognized it." I was floored. "What do you mean you knew!! !! !"

But anyway...thank you.

Lots of love,
Your daughter Dessie

dear dad,
you are at the centre of my body image issues.i just want you to know that. when i was a child i did not need to be told that other people laughed at me because of the way i dressed. i did not need to be told that if i were not your daughter that i would be amongst those you would mock and bully. i didnt need you to tell me that my slight, boney frame was unattractive and that i should gain weight. you may not like my hair but i do and i dont need to be told that you and everyone else wants it any other way. i do not need you to point out my body hair either. you know i wont go swimming because i dislike showing my thin body and its downy covering of hairs including the fine ones on my face? its not because i dont like the water. it never was. when we are in public i do not expect you to thump me over the back or thrust my body about in an effort to stop me from slouching. i want you to know that it wasnt you who stopped me from slouching over it was superheroes. fictional characters did what you couldnt. i look up to them not you. i just wanted you to know that. if i do not meet your standards of femininity then i do not care. because of what you have done to me i will never care again what you think. if you never were there i would have been comfortable in my own skin but because of you im not and its gonna take ages to reprogramme myself so i am. you f*cked me up and i dont know if i can fix it anymore. i just wanted you to know.
from me.

I'm sorry VMSmith. I have experienced similar but in a much less overt and more tangential way. You are lovely just the way you are! If your dad was saying these things to you that clearly, to me anyway,suggests he has issues that have 0% to do with you or your appearance, which is surely great.

Dear Boy,

Please at least contact me so I know you haven't been run over by a car or something.

Sincerely,
Your Friend Who Cares About You Very Much and Needs to Know What's Going On But Also Might Just Be Paranoid and Worrying About Nothing but then Again What Kind of Person Drops Contact at a Time Like This

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,
I'm sorry for all the times I've been boring or rude or seemed like I was avoiding you. I don't want to upset you or hurt you in any way, and I wish I could you tell you these things but it's terribly awkward, and I'm not sure what you would think because in all honesty, I never know what you're thinking! When I was boring, it was because I couldn't think of what to talk about that would interest you, and my mind was full of things I know I find interesting and you don't.

When I was rude, I didn't mean to be - I don't pick up on social cues that well, and I haven't got a lick of sense when it comes to manners. Sometimes, some of you get mad at me when I do this, or when I'm forgetful or do absent-minded things - I wish you wouldn't, because it hurts. I just usually have no idea what I did, and there aren't many people I'm close to, so I don't want to lose any of you. When one of you gets mad at me, I'm scared that I will.

When I've seemed like I'm avoiding you, it's because I'm stuck in my own head. There's a whole world inside my head, and I wish to god I could share it with you - with the whole world. That's why I write so much, why I spend so much time thinking my ideas through. Because I want you to be able to step into my head with me and see this fantastic place. That probably sounds arrogant, but to me, my imagination is better than almost everything on TV, in movies, in books. I hope you'll feel the same way when you finally get to read my books - or that you at least get a giggle out of it.

I love to make people laugh, which is why I write comedy so much - the only time I really know what people think of me is when they laugh a huge belly laugh, it's the only time I know for sure that I've made someone happy. And I want you all to be happy, to sincerely smile and laugh 'til you cry.

There are some specific things I want to say to each of you.

To you, my drinkin' buddy - I wish you didn't have to suffer so much, to be so depressed - you're a wonderful and interesting person and it makes me deeply hurt to see you like this. I wish you wouldn't doubt yourself, that you wouldn't be so self-deprecating. Have hope! Things will get better. I also wish you'd stop hiding in your shell, as the Supertramp song goes - all you do is work and stay at home, and I get the impression you're avoiding me. I know it's because you're depressed so badly, but I still wish we could hang out again instead of just e-mailing each other all the frickin' time.

To you, my fellow artist - your work is so good! I wish you wouldn't procrastinate so much, that you'd produce more of it, sell it, and really turn into some kind of a rockstar super-artist who lives off their own talent. I'm also sorry about your family situation and your mother, you really got served a raw deal with that and I hope things will improve. We haven't hung out face-to-face in so long! We always just chat on messenger, like, almost every night, even though we're only separated by a zip-code. That and the fact that you can't drive / have so many obligations at home and I'm car-less and broke. That kinda sucks! I wish we could hang out again.

(To anyone reading this: how is it that I, an antisocial homebody, wound up being friends with two people who are also antisocial homebodies?! I suspect they've both got social phobia or agoraphobia - it's not just me they avoid, it's LIFE. I do the same thing and rationalize it but with them I find it frustrating!)

To Babycakes - you have no idea how much I rely on you. If you weren't around I would be so depressed. I sort of wish I could tell you what I'm going through, but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it - or worse, that you'd make fun of me. >:[ You can be a butthead sometimes but you make me laugh, so it balances out.

To the Auss - I'm pretty sure I bored you last night on MSN! I am so sorry. I wanted to try and talk to you first for once instead of you messaging me first, and then for some reason I just couldn't think of what to say. This happens a lot when I talk to you. You are such a cool guy, I am sort of intimidated by you! And that is totally silly noting how you're a couple years younger than me AND we've known each other online for like, YEARS upon YEARS. So I will NEVER tell you that. I'd like to meet you some day, I think, but I wish you'd stop the downwards spiral, the drinking so heavily. You're gonna mangle that liver of yours.

To the math-nerd - you're always online but you haven't talked to me in the past couple, what, weeks, months? Are you depressed about that break-up, the situation you're in? Are you okay? Did I do something to piss you off, or did you get bored of me? We've been chattin' each other up for years and I don't want it to stop! You're terribly intelligent and great to talk to.

To the fellow writer - I am reluctant about including you in this letter! I haven't really talked to you aside from awkward small-talk in MONTHS. You NEVER want to talk to me, it seems, but you want to talk to my artist-friend. I'd ask her what's up but this is between you and me, buddy, and your answer might be embarrassing for her to hear and have to relay. I can't even think of what I did to you to elicit this kind of behavior. Is it because I couldn't quit smoking? I know you think that's weak but that would be so dumb! You piss me off! >:[ We've known each other since high-school and had so many deep conversations, I really doubt you told anyone the things you told me. . . . OH. Is THAT it?! Are you embarrassed about the things you revealed? I really don't know. I don't know what to do with you, but even though I'm frustrated I still care and I wish you'd at least explain to me what I did. I know you basically have no friends at this point and are stuck with your homophobic family, and I'm worried about you despite being mad. (To you guys potentially reading this: what should I do? I haven't really asked him what's up, I've sort of just let it slide because I'm sort of scared what he'll answer! Also, I think he blocked me on MSN, though I have NO idea why, because it was right after we had a totally pleasant if small-talkish convo. >:[ I'd just write him off if not for the things he's told me, and knowing and understanding his situation.)

And that's it, I've (not) told you all everything I wanted to say. I care about you six people more than anybody else, and almost all of you seem to be leaving me at the same time somehow - at any rate, you've almost all gone distant, silent. It's terrible for me, and I don't fully understand. I didn't do anything, and you guys aren't the sort to believe rumors - nor are there rumors, nor do you guys even know each other aside from the writer and the artist, so a rumor couldn't be passed if there was one! I'm sure I must've done something on the one hand, and on the other hand I think it's probably that you're all (or mostly all) off dealing with your own personal issues - this thing has happened before with each of you, but not so many of you at once! And in the case of a couple of you, not for such lengthy periods. : (

Sincerely,
Laydee-Writer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtMyjOyery4&feature=related[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goN5BWbvn-I[/youtube]

I'm sorry if this hasn't been used in a while but i needed to rant and to write a letter to someone befpore i totally freak out about it.

Dear Mom,

This is not a rant, this is not bad, this is not stupid, please stop thinking it is, yea I'm autistic and have NLD doesn't mean you have to do every single little thing for me, I can do things for myself even if it takes me a little longer! I mean come on women I'm a published AUTISTIC! I'm me get over it. Yes I might be bisexual but that doesn't make me any less of a person, stop judging me.

yours, Hanner.

Dear God,

Please look after me forever, keep me safe in your arms

Yours, Hanner x

Dear universe,

STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL, LOOK BEYOND SOMEONE'S SKIN AND BONES, SEE THE REAL THEM, STOP BEING STEREOTYPICAL!

Love Hanner xx

Dear You,

You're stupid. You're an idiot. You're short-sighted and enjoy acting like a moron. I have no use for you. I'm actually joyful and proud of myself that I can identify that you're not worth my time. I've come a long way to respect myself so I don't waste my time trying to talk to people like you, who aren't interested in others, just in tearing people down to make yourself feel better. You're a stereotype and a shallow, superficial manifestation of an actual person. I don't acknowledge you anymore. It's just that simple. Yay for me!

From,
Me.

Dear dad,

I don't quite understand you. You seem like you have my best interests at heart...but I can't really trust you. Why did you do what you did to mom? I know she's not really the most "grown-up" of people but...well I guess at this point there's no point in dwelling over it. Even so, why did you never want anything to do with people? You always put up this sociable and friendly front but then get away from as quickly as possible and call them an annoyance or make fun of them or something. Why did you spoil me the way you did? Why the hell do you put up with *******'s ridiculous selfishness and immaturity? Why do I feel like I look up to you and pity you at the same time? What do you want? I feel like I don't know you.

Your son.

Sorry I'm posting again...

Dear "mother" and "dad"

I am going to go to univercity and you can't stop me nothing is going to stop me even if it does mean applying by myself, learning the route over and over by myself, looking at places by myself and everything else, I WILL GET THERE.

I know it is like 4 years away yet but I am going to do my best at college next year as this year is nearly over I am going to do what I want to do no matter how long it takes, it will happen no more of you taking control of my life I AM 18 in a matter of months you can't do anything then.

I want to go to uni somewhere away from home, yes, i will come and visit of course I will, just not every single weekend I want my independance, I am not like my brother who can't do anything for himself, I can do things, sure it takes me a little longer, but, it does happen I do get there eventually, so I am going to uni.

On another note,when I do go to uni you can't rely on me for things, I won't be giving you money for alcohol [dad you need to stop being an alcoholic, it is frightening me, it scares me at night when you and mum are fighting...] mum I am not going to give you money for things either [your a MOTHER start acting like one and stop trying to steal all my DLA and use it for yourself, IT'S FOR ME!!]

I am going to go to uni and do this photography course, I am going to do it it is going to happen, come see me in a few years when your unable to do anything cause no one learned you how to will yoou brother? I'll help you, no problem, but, them, no way, they can have some time to think on all the wrongs they've done and try to think of how to make the wrongs right, without my help, there adults, let them live there life the way they want even if tht is just getting drunk every night after work and living off crap all the time. That's fine!

Just don't come crying to me when it all goes wrong!! !

yours faithfully,
your daughter

Dear E.D.

Go away, I hate you, stop making me freak out about food, stop stop stop stop it!! I love you in a weired kind of way, but I hate you too, my self image and self esteem has gone down too low cause of you, i hate you.

I'd rather be in lock down then stuck with you, your evil, food is my enimey, food is bad, the scales are good, the mirror is baad my image is bad, that is all that goes through my head on a regualar basis thanks to you.

GO AWAY I HAtE YOU!

Signed,

Hanner x

Dear Leila,

I appreciate the exercise classes that you put on and I appreciate your concern for my safety. The reason that I'm buying all that equipment that's market towards men, is because I want to be happy with my body. I want to be strong, not dainty. I'm not dainty by any means, but most women are. With the gender issues that I've struggled with my whole life, I feel that I should also be doing my own stuff on the side with the more male oriented equipment. I want my arms to stay big as I lose weight. Being a Mod with big arms is better than being a scrawny punk with a bad attitude. Both are likely to be avoided by preditors, but the strong armed Mod would be seen as more lovable by the average tax paying citizen.

Mick Avory

To those who have nothing but nasty things to say about my rediscovered love for The Kinks and my very first role model, Mick Avory.

You're just jealous, because you've never found your perfect role models tailored to fit your personalities.

CR

Dear "friend",

what you said today hurt me very badly and that was the last straw. At first I thought that you don't know me at all if you're saying this but I realize that you know me enough to know how to hurt me the worst. I've been around you long enough to know for sure that you said what you said to intentionally hurt me and it worked. So I want to ask you - do you feel better now? I know you're not happy with your own life at the moment and you're frustrated about a lot of things but is this really the way to solve it? You ignore all the advices or suggestions and do absolutely nothing to change your life or your attitude yet you happily unleash all your frustration and dissatisfaction on me. And you call yourself my best friend. Is me finally getting a bit more positive and happier in my life p***ing you off so much that you can't even pretend it doesn't bother you anymore? Maybe that was the reason you were "friends" with me in the first place - you needed someone more miserable than you in your life to feel less like a failure? Well guess what? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you using me as an output for all your negativity. I'm sick of you using me for ideas because you can't come up with anything creative. I'm sick of you diminishing my problems and my struggles. I'm sick of you making fun of me in front of others to make yourself look better and less messed up. You might not be autistic but you're just as messed up as me if not more. I'm sick of you mistreating me.
I hope your life will be so much better now that you won't have to deal with your "stupid and awkward friend".

From me