Rants

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I always feel I'm out of context. It's exhausting! All overwhelms me.

i feel really bad. i dont feel safe anymore. my father said he and my mother rang the police and told them to find me and they did and they have known where i live for a month. i dont feel safe. its not safe here anymore. i got back to redfern and i couldnt go back home because i was afraid to. afraid to go to me own home. i sat in the park for an hour. all the cars passing by suddenly became my parents and all the people too. i thought i was being paranoid when i first moved out, taking different routes home and looking over my shoulder in case they followed me but i wasnt. i feel violated. how could the cops just tell them where i live? stalkers. how could they? surely this isnt right? wouldnt they think it strange that i havent told my parents where i am and wonder why? he said he just couldnt throw his child onto the street but thats a lie. a hypocritical statement of the worst sort. a fallacy. he's wanted to throw me out twice in the past for the most ridiculous things. and he beat me up before the last time. i dont feel safe. i want to go somewhere else or be with somebody. i think id feel safer then. why cant they just leave me alone? i feel exposed and vulnerable. im afraid. i knew life was too good. why would they tell them? why would they do that?

I'm scared out of mind. I feel like such a screw up. I can't believe I said that. If I hadn't of said that he would pick up the phone and that other guy would've responded to me on Facebook. I've officially f****d up.

It's so hard. This in-school suspension has only made matters worse. I hope I can still get my hug and be told that I am loved. That's if he does still love me after what I said last night.

Those people at school are right. I am a bully.

This is the first time I've felt like I am truly loved by a guy. This is the first time I've felt I'm beautiful in somebody's eyes. If he really thinks that I am.

So in short, I'm an as*hole. I truly am a bully. I'm nothing more than those two things.

My upstairs neighbour has the two-car garage stuffed with his toys, then he claims the two free street parking passes AND the two visitor passes!! GREEDY SCHMUCK left none left for the house at all and I only just managed to convince to parking authorities to SELL me a pass for almost $60. The landlord knows about it now but isn't going to do anything (he's been good to me though.) I'm going to have to stand my ground against this greedy, selfish jerk who not only takes what is mine, but also does the alpha-posturing to bully me further. I've reached my limit! As much as I hate confrontation, I almost WANT him to make another aggressive move so I can throw his rotten actions back at him and call him the a#$%@# he is! (Not to mention that I won't be bullied and he won't get a damn thing from me.)

i was thwarted in my attempt to buy a decent loaf of bread today, and a chain reaction of frustrating incidents occurred as a result, and i almost had a tantrum/meltdown, however i aborted my intention to take the bread out into the backyard and stomp on it.

the situation:
i went to the local supermarket to buy a loaf of bread so i could have toast strips ("soldiers" as some call them) to dip into my soft boiled eggs for breakfast. i cut my toast into 6 strips (after buttering of course) which yields three strips for each egg (i have 2 eggs for breakfast). i can not eat soft boiled eggs without toast strips.

i selected a loaf after careful comparison, and at the counter, the stupid girl grabbed my loaf of bread half way along the loaf with a grip that was tight enough to deform the slices in the loaf !. she should have lifted the loaf from the plastic clamp rather than man handle my bread. i became irate and insisted that i go and get a substitute loaf because she damaged the loaf i intended to buy. so i had to settle for the second best looking loaf.

when i took it to the counter, she observed the rules i outlined as she scanned it, and i felt satisfied that my loaf was undamaged and left.

when i got home, i noticed that the bread had slumped under it's own weight so that the top crust had an invagination in it. it is hard to describe so i scribbled a crude picture of what i mean....


that threw me off balance as i had to calculate how i would get 6 identical strips out of any slice in a hurry because the eggs were 2 minutes into their cooking process before i discovered the fault (i always put the bread in the toaster 1 minute and 30 seconds before the eggs are finished cooking) . i very much dislike having asymmetrical toast, and it degrades the experience of breakfast significantly, but i had to begrudgingly wear it and hastily work out how i would cut it.

then when i took a slice out to put into the toaster, i discovered that it had a hole in it (a large empty bubble), so i then started to panic and lose my patience because i had only 1 minute to get the toast cooked and the schedule was now seriously out of kilter.
i then rummaged through the loaf rejecting each slice i saw (they all had large bubbles in them (too mush yeast i guess), and i threw each rejected slice on the floor of the kitchen because i was in a the beginning phases of a meltdown, and i was angrily and frantically searching for an an acceptable slice, and since none of them were acceptable, all the rejected slices were now on the floor, and so i had precluded myself from selecting the best slice of a bad bunch, and i just thought "wow!! ! i can not even have breakfast nowadays due to incompetence, so i was going to snatch all the slices off the floor and dump them outside and jump on them, and then i was going to hurl the eggs and water out of the saucepan down the back yard in a tantrum of disgust.

at the final moment, i snatched peace from the jaws of murderous rage, and i decided to cook the eggs for 3 minutes more so they were hard boiled, and just eat them by scooping out the yolks (after inserting a knob of butter into a knife slot i made in them).

it was a vastly inferior experience to the one i was aiming for, but at least i did not make a public spectacle of myself, because if i had "shot put" the eggs out of the saucepan together with the boiling water, they would have gone over the fence and possibly injured a neighbor.

it took me hours to calm down.

It's a hard life b9.

I am sick of the silence before the storm. I am waiting for the local paykiatry institute to decide what to do with me. I tried to just move on, but my social worker wont talk to me as long as I am still being tested. They figured out that I am not just another lady with panic anxiety and that I have asperger...they said they cant help me since its not a disease but a handicap that can not be cured, then why wont they stop with the tests and the waiting? Its driving me mad! I cant keep my anxiety under control anymore and I am afraid that it is going to consume me.

i realize that my problems are insignificant in the scale of hard times experienced by others.
but none the less, i was upset, but that i guess is my shortcoming.
i did survey the wreckage of my reaction to breakfast later and i did think that my problems are very trivial by comparison to other people's. i am certainly not seeking sympathy.
i am a very lucky person overall.

It's a good thing that you can get benefit from things that annoy you. If you can't avoid things annoying you, at least you got the better of your own annoyance. It's like you're using your own negative traits against yourself to make yourself happy. Even negative thoughts can be a tool for self improvement if you have the mental agility to see all sides of your problems .

Glad to hear it. The "bread MUST be perfect" thing sure sounds like OCD to me. That must be hard to live with.

I went to visit my mother today. We are not close.
She doesn't remember what food I like to eat and drink.
I was shown a picture of a wedding and it took me a while to realise it was my brother in the picture (I hadn't been invited).
My stepfather was driving us around- he drives unsafely and it made me very anxious. He made a racist remark and I didn't feel like I could argue with him about it when he was driving.

I wanted to try to talk about AS with them but I didn't feel safe enough to do so.

Sometimes nothing goes my way.

Two Exams in just as many days. I want to tear my hair out, scream until my lungs implode and then immolate myself with the hairs gathered around my feet. I feel so guilty for feeling either happy or sad.

I'd quite honestly just like to talk to somebody.

Yeah, I might want to file a no-contact order against my parents one day; they've driven me over the edge. That, and make sure they NEVER attend my wedding, lest they answer to the local police.

I don't f*****g like it when unknown people or people you only know a bit wants to have a conversation but doesn't leave any open questions. Then I go mute and panic over things to talk about and I don't like that.

Divorce from the man I love(d) is really taking its toll. A simple e-mail from him (not talking anymore due to a lot of things) can trigger something I think is meltdown. Going on vodka now, it will make me sleep, later. Miiiissss somebody (well mostly him) to be with, miss company and miss my children as well

One more hour at work today and now I feel as though I'll crash and burn. Perhaps I was a bit to social today?