Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear D,
You have Asperger's and depression. I never really understood you while we were growing up.
Then I realised that I probably have Asperger's, and I have depression. I understand you now, and I'm petrified of how I'm feeling. Is this how you feel too? If so, I'm really sorry for not understanding you.
From Cat

OK how do I delete this post?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4v-_p5dU34[/youtube]

My stupid life's mother nature.

I did everything I could, and knew how to do to keep my computer ok, but nooo... "You get viruses because you're lazy and stupid!" 'asinine' isn't close to a strong enough word.

Public school field day, Lienda gets told how inferior in strength she was. The bullies insisted. I tried and tried, just to be made fun of day in and DAY OUT! I tried to sing! Nature made sure Daddy was never going to see my solo, and screwed his car motor! I forgot all the lyrics because of stress, looked like a complete moron, and I haven't even tried since!! In fact, I lost what skill I had at the time!! Yes, nature! You're a REAL b***h!! b***h isn't even a strong enough word for you!

Like my father before me, each job turns into a disaster 3 out of 4 times for reasons out of my control!! Thanks alot! Did you not get enough kicks, raining on my father's tuxedo, flattening his tire, and on the freeway?! It wasn't enough that you made him hours late for his new chew out and job termination, because he missed the lecture?! You're such a b***h!

Did you LOVE hearing him complain about us waisting fluids we barely used? Did you eat it up, when he treated us like his financial burdon of the hour? Did it amuse you, that he turned the TV up full blast, so he could hear over playing that wasn't very loud in teh first place? Oh, me and sister were talking, how RUDE of us, right loveing nature?! I must have been an ORGASM for you to bring my parents together, and use the money to part them forever right infront of our whole lives! Everything was about money, you made sure of that!

Our worth, our effort, even our smarts like it was all for a show, was about how much money you managed to earn! What do I have now?! Spending habits, and the guilt trips you LOVE giveing me when I buy a chocolate bar or gasoline!! Why did you just sit by while I got bullied day in and day out?! He smashed my boat, just because it had the fastest speed, and you let the adults do nothing! The whole room laughing their ass off, and calling me an ugly stupid whimp and looser. Thanks for at least makeing me forget it for over 20 years. There's at least that! But why did you slap the straberry pie out of my hands?! Couldn't I have done without that? Mother wouldn't touch strawberry pie since then! It's ONE f*****g PIE!! I WAS ONLY THREE YEARS OLD!! All I wanted was to give her the piece on a plate that she oooed and awwed over moments before! But no, you're a total b***h, why would you care?

Why would you keep makeing her oblivious to the effects her grunts had on us? Why? honestly! I kept feeling like I was part of her problem, and I was! If I wasn't born, she wouldn't go to that nurseing home she quite "forced, and forced, and FORCED to go to every morning". Your reminders that I was a burdon never lifted, even now, when my parents are so much happier being apart! You still make me feel like trash! It's what you stiched into me without choice! Now I get to hear "oh just make the monsters in your head go away." Really... how does a person do that exactly? by lieing to one self about what they learned was the unhappy "trueth", even if it's not? Yeah, wish me luck on my umteenth failure, you b***h!

I wanted to be an actor. Then you sent us a kid who not only said something very rude to my face, she played the whipped victim, and everyone ate it right up! They didn't hesitate to spread their distain around the whole school. I had to listen to degradeing LIES being talked about me, after I made an excellent audition! See.. you can't ever let me put on a show proudly and STAY THERE! I have to always watch everyone else get the claps, and the applauseing, and the acknowledgement of talent, and the flowers!! But why finish or remember what I get out of school? It's not like I forgot your persistance, and will to strike me over again! I've watched out and avoided "danger", and you love it, don't ya!? You love feeling powerful and controling, even if you have to break us humans to get it. You LOVE that! Why do people honestly claim you hate it? You don't hate it! You really don't!

If you loved life, we wouldn't be here to kill and eat everything around us! You're stupid to! If you want to feel like your so special, stop us from feeling like WE'RE GODS, becuase we're not!! Is that mixed sensory for you? To screw up and blend your likes with dislikes. I admit, a nice cup of coffie isn't without it's bitter flavore. We're your fun little PLAY BREW! Why can't you let ALL of us feel dignity, respect, self-worth, and so on?! Ohh, but that wouldn't be the right mix, would it. Job A, felt GREAT to get that wart off of my heal and have earned money to spend. Then you let the nurses preach and preach! Then it was because I got a stomack virus at the next round. "bye bye, lienda." THEN, you let someone steal my rollerblades, so I lost THAT job! Thanks alot, OH SO LOVEING. Next, I got fired for not going to a stupid christmas party with total strangers!! A dishwasher. Discriminated then fired. Thanks!

More fights with my Dad, more being judged on my voice when I say nothing wrong at all, and just talk to be heard. You allow me either to frustrate the hell out of myself being "polight" and quiet voiced, or judged and down right chewed out by even those I love when I talk louder, and no matter if I smile and feel happy or not! Sounding like that somehow makes me the ass hole! Why even remember what I learned if nobody cares? It's not like you let me get popular or socialy skilled, that someone else calls me smart. Naa. why would you do that. So simple, yet so not your flavore.

Oh my computer which I happily buy with my happily hard earned cash, which kept updated, and did what I could to keep it working. But nooooo.. "You have viruses becuse your lazy, stupid and incompetant." Yeah, you just LOVE takeing a nice toilet dump on whatever ego boost and financial dignity I have! Good job, b***h. I can't fill out alot of applications right now, or buy certain things, your pet THUGS are looking for something to vandalize across the wire!! You give me this, and I don't even do much of anything to get it! Brouseing is all it takes to get hosed down the mouth now. By all means, let the ass hole sadist kick his victims after the lives they screwed. You done it. Good job! You prevented me from feeling worth s**t or ever haveing esteeme in myself! Tell the kids to throw more sticks at my window, if you're not yet satisfied "oh so loveing one". Maybe they should toss another egg, aged can of dog food, insult how I sing in private, and ask me why my race is liveing in their pure neighborhood over again.. Come one, I'm ready for another round, you slutt. Let's go.

(Gosh this made me feel so much better, thanks)

Dear You,

I know I've said this before, that was different that was me trying to convince myself against what felt right, now this feels right. Ive had enough, Im not going to play this wordless game anymore, I can't. You seem to be able to multi-task with your emotions liking more than one person and switching on and off in how you act towards me. I can't deal with that anymore and trying to and believing that there is another way out of that spiral of confusion and emotion that ends with us being together is just not possible. I feel oddly content now I've thought this through, its the first time in what feels like forever I've been able to have this peace . I'm sorry I can't play this game with you, It could have been more but its emotional self harm to keep liking you.

I truely wish you all the best but not with me.

Sincerely

Me

Dear _______

I'm sorry for all the upset I've caused you. I'm desperate to get help and to get myself straightened out a bit, but the services are just being useless as ever. Just please don't leave me. I couldn't make it without you. Please stick with me through this bad patch...

I love you,

crouton

Dear Self,

WTH is wrong with you? Just STOP IT. Stop resenting your parents for not letting you cut yourself, and you'd better treasure them because you are not getting any more parents. Stop thinking about dropping everything and failing. Come ON. You can do anything and you have done it before. You and the people around you have gone through SO MUCH and you are the one in a million people who came out of it stronger. Don't go to the hospital under the pretense of going on a long journey of betterment, because you know that everything that they do is just an ineffectual placebo-effect lie. You are getting better on your own. You do not need to make yourself exactly the way you were before, because that person? Is dead. That person died in early 2007 - you know exactly when and you will probably hold that memory forever. That person died and you rebuilt something better. For one, you are writing this letter and you are expressing yourself. Get out there and start being with people and taking care of yourself! You are better off than many people - you are so healthy and so smart and so capable. So don't cut and FTLOG don't die.

LOVE (really!),
You

Dear Random Portlanders,

Would it hurt you to take some time and TAKE A SHOWER
or DO YOUR LAUNDRY? It's inconsiderate that you walk around
the streets of Portland smelling like extreme BO is no big deal.

Signed,
A Random Portlander

dear you.
i respect you to some extent and i like you quite a bit. thats why when you made that joke that implied i was whipped and possibly self centred i was hurt. the thing is i don't know if you were joking with me or if you are disappointed or frustrated with me or what for not being able to do something i can see means a great deal to you. i can't tell these things and i really wish you wouldn't say things like that. the last thing i'd want is to feel guilty, as if i have somehow let you down. like i do now. just saying.
from me.

Dear self,

I really wish I could have done better in sheltering you from all the things you feared. I'm sorry I couldn't do any better. Despite the humiliation, rejection and pain you have been through during these 26 odd years, I still feel that you are a good, caring, funny and loyal person deep down. Perhaps, it's time to pack up and let go of wanting more in your life. Perhaps it's time to say goodbye to the need for normal things and the happiness it brings. Perhaps it's time to say goodbye to those who don't care, and to those whom you are so desperate to please. Maybe it's all over now, and nothing more can be achieved. I think it's time to let go, time to drift along aimlessly, but without the hurt which seemed impossible to get rid of.

Me

Dear Hot Librarian,

Are you single? I'm checking you out right now as I write this.

-Anonymous

Dear Portlanders who Smoke,

Quit smoking in public! It's inconsiderate of you who smoke when other people
are around. I hope all of you get arrested next time you have a smoke,
once a policy is created banning smoking in public.

-A Non Smoker

Dear Emily~

I know we haven't spoke or chatted in 7 years but I want to apologize for my behavior. I know I really hurt you during our breakup & towards the end of our relationship. I was very overprotective & controlling because I really worried about you. i know it's NO excuse but you were the best friend I ever had. I never had a good friend before & I haven't sense. You were the only person who ever got close to & connected with. You understood me, listened to me & cared about & supported me when I didn't even care about myself. Before you I was bitter, angry & frustrated about my life & myself. I thought I was a disturbed psycho or least wanted to be & I was ready to do something extremely stupid & crazy like running away from my life. Your concern stopped me. That was the 1st time in my life when I really felt like someone cared about me. You saved my life in a way by believing in me & teaching me to believe in myself. I wanted to take care of you because you were the best thing that ever happened to me & I could not help but love you with all my heart, soul & everything. I became so focused on you that I lost sight of & neglected myself. I became completely dependent on you & unintentionally took my issues out on you. I'm not expecting forgiveness because I cant even forgive myself for hurting the last person I'd ever want to hurt. I truly would of rathered died the most painful death imaginable than have anything happen to you & I worry I made your life worse in the end. The only thing that kept me going after our breakup was that I know you would of wanted me to move on & enjoy my life. I'm trying but I have a hard time doing it for myself even thou I know I should. I want to take what I've learned from everything & use it to help others when I can. You were & will always be my baby.

Dear you,

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I know we have to be apart for now, but I'm starting to feel too distant. I fall asleep and dream that we're kids again throwing frisbees and laying in the grass on the bank of that wide old river near our school. I want to kick myself for not knowing that I was in love with you then, when you were right there, inches, not oceans away from me. For now I make do with looking at the things that remind me of you, and putting on makeup to have a short skype conversation, but the days get harder and harder for me.

It's not enough anymore.
I just want you.
Why is there one year standing in our way?

-me

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFiu0L7zJX8[/youtube]