scale of -10 to +10, how do you feel right now?

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-5 I swear, if anyone indicates in any way that I am not trying hard enough or pushing myself hard enough I am going to lose it. Seriously, to me just being able to get out of bed is a freaking accomplishment with how I feel so I don't need people who don't understand like my mom trying to tell me to push myself harder......when I know the more stress I am under the worse my symptoms get.

She goes on and on about Aspergers telling me I should read some book, watch the temple grandin movie.....because I need books and movies I can relate to. Not sure I relate that well to successful people with Aspergers...don't know they where totally burnt out at the age of 22. I mean great Aspergers can have positive aspects......well the PTSD kind of ruined that and people just want me to 'not dwell on it.' well that is what that disorder does. I am just frusterated and sick of people refusing to even let me myself acknowledge my problems and limitations. I don't care if they don't want to acknowledge it but they shouldn't try to sit there telling me all this crap I can do.......they don't know they aren't in my head or body.

-10

i want to teleport to mars.

0 for some reason the thought of that female wolf spider with baby spider eggs on its back I saw the other day...is rather pleasent, I should have taken a picture but I certainly wouldn't step on something so awesome its probably a good thing it got off of the stairs it was on though otherwise someone else might have.

0 but it feels good not to feel bad even if I dont feel happy. Lost so am I.

Aint that the truth, it feels much better to feel numb than bad at least in my opinon...though I am not sure it is exactly numbness you are experiancing but when I say 0 that is usually what I mean.

-10

It's as if all the message boards want to scare you into submission and silence if you aren't ultra-ultra-liberal.

-9

0 hmm, I guess laughing does make things a little better....yeah one of my friends poked me in the side just screwing around and it startled me so I proceeded to freak the hell out and uhh pretty much dive onto the floor before I realised what was even going on. It was actually kind of funny so we where both laughing.

But yay I can laugh at my PTSD symptoms, sometimes(if this had been in public I probably have freaked out more making an even bigger scene)...that is my attempt at optimism for the day.

+2 In a hostel fighting mood feels good

-3 Apprehensive about what today holds, hope it won't be like yesterday.

2.4

Had a bad dream about going to therapy and today is the day of my 2nd appointment. Very apprehensive and nervous about what to say. I haven't even thought about it until yesterday to avoid stress and worrying. Also irritated because the math book I ordered off amazon.com says "delivered: June 4th" yet it never arrived and I needed it..

yesterday I was a -8 because of my sudden meltdown at Tim Horton's and I was feeling tired and groggy after a long night's sleep. This afternoon I was a 3 when I had to go out and buy my weekly groceries with my mom. She asked if i wasn't feeling well and I told her I was just tired, I didn't tell her about yesterday. Right now I'm maybe a six because I'm alone and safe in my apartment with my computer and I don't have to go out into the world and be surrounded by all its stupidity.

+2

+3

+3 feeling lots of pain, but feeling good about reaching a new level in Taekwon-do.

-5
I'm still sad about not doing very well for my first quarter of college. I went to a GED graduation ceremony yesterday and when we were all supposed to walk up on stage, the guy next to me says, "I don't think we're supposed to get up yet." So I sat back down and everyone in the row was whispering, "Go! Go!" It isn't a huge deal, but the blunder was in front of like, three hundred people. And I already felt really anxious about having to receive my diploma in front of a crowd. The whole time I was watching everyone's hands as they shook them, said 'thank you', and then took the paper. Left hand shake, right hand shake, thank you, paper. Left hand, right, shake, paper, left, right shake, paper... wait... now it's right hand, left? No. Left, right, shake, paper. Holy. Hesus. I. Am. So. Nervous. AndIalreadsyjustmesseduplet'sgetthiscrapoverwithhowmuchlongerdoIneedtostandhere?

And then they didn't have the paper for me, so he gave it to me last, called my name again, and everyone clapped twice. And I had no idea if I was supposed to do the whole thing over again. How all these normal people remember societies' strange little monkey tricks is beyond me.

I'm going to apply for a seasonal job at a costume store in town in September to make up some money to take one class at a time, instead of the three that I forced myself to do this time around. Sadly, FAFSA usually gives funding to full-time students more often than part-time ones and I need to start out part-time in order to acclimate myself to a school setting. I've had a fear of school for as long as I can remember. I pretty much quit going in the sixth grade after being bullied so regularly. I mean, I attended after that, but only maybe once or twice a week at most. I never learned anything; I would sit in class and draw all day, and somehow got by because I was articulate enough, and knew how to charm people into thinking that there was perhaps something wiser going on in my mind than there really was. My life is pretty screwy right now and it's all my own doing. It's going to take forever to get out of it and to catch up to where I need to be in life.

I know nothing. I mean it. Nothing. It's very frustrating knowing that and being able to describe it in such a way that people think I'm just putting myself down.

I have to get myself started. I am going to get started. But after having just failed, having my family frustrated with me for not following through with my promises and for them spending over 1k this quarter on me, then having it be for nothing... I feel a little bit like a lame arse.

It's going to get better, I know that. I hate hard work. I hate putting myself out there. But what I hate even more is not being where I'm supposed to be in life and knowing that there's something better out there. I mistreat the things I love the most because I'm always afraid, and I'm always afraid because I don't know how to operate in this world.

"Life sucks, and then we try".